Endless Thoughts

Happy & Blessed

2005-10-30T20:53:00.000-08:00

Ahhh…one nice big sigh of relief that the week is at an end.

Just to make all of you Alabamians who are nice enough to still care about me and read my live journal to see what’s going on a bit jealous of the Floridian way of life, I’ll let you know that I am sitting on the beach as I write this. Its a bright beautiful sunny day. The temperature is in the mid-70’s, but there is a nice breeze blowing. The waves are a decent size, crashing against the shore just loud enough to remind me of their power. Its beautiful, really beautiful. And when I am all done here in a little while, I might just go down and put my hands in the water. Or maybe, if I’m feeling real adventurous (it is almost November after all), I’ll take off my shoes and wiggle my toes in the sand. Anyone getting jealous yet? Because man, I love living in Florida!

This thought of living in The Sunshine State brings me to a moment of reflection. As I stare out at the ocean (and yes, I really am on the ocean side this time), I realize how hypnotic it is. It really just draws you into it, sucking you in with its beauty and holding you with its magnitude. Its amazing to think really, how many writers have written about it and yet its something that you can’t really fully appreciate until its right there with you and you just can’t look away.

But back to my moment of reflection. I realized the other day that I took a different path when I moved to Florida. And this “path” I’m referring to is a lot different than the obvious choice of moving to a different city/state. I’ve made different life choices since I got here and I realized the other day that they have led to a very happy point in my life. I’m not sure the decisions were conscious ones. This is definitely not the path I think I was aiming for by moving here. But I am, none-the-less, very happy and very blessed where I am right now. A sad revelation this has led me to is that I am beginning to realize that I will probably never dance or do color guard again (and yes, that thought has led to some very teary nights), but in the end, I think that might be ok with me.

I have a great job that I love and is beginning to look a bit more like a “career” with each passing day. I work for a company that I for once actually believe in. I have great managers who I feel truly have my best interest at heart and I feel that I can learn so much from. I get to work with a product every day that I believe in, a product that my knowledge of is actually educational, a product that people can really benefit from. I work with people who are educated and interesting, people who are competent (for the most part) and can hold intelligent conversations, people who are well read, people who I can actually learn things from! I have a job where I am moving forward and a job where I feel that people actually realize and reward me for what I bring to the table. I love my job!

I have a boyfriend who is truly out of this world and completely wonderful not only to me, but for me. I have found in him not only a best friend, but also a creative partner, a motivator, someone who requires and encourages me to become a better person and someone that I can really see as being my soul mate for life. I have found someone who I firmly believe I met at the perfect time in both of our lives. I don’t believe that any other person could have met and impacted us the way we did each other. We fit each other so perfectly that it can be overwhelming at times. We need each other. He is everything, everything, that I needed and could ever have hoped for in my life. I love him with all my heart and I cannot imagine what things might be like without him. He is a blessing and a gift from God.

My creative outlets, which were once fueled by dance and guard, are at this point being funneled into writing and film. Writing (while always present in my life) has never been such a large and driving force as it is now. I realize now that I write not to become rich and famous (I mean really, how many filthy rich authors are there?!), not to get published, not to impress my ideas on others, but because it has to come out of my system. I guess that, coupled with my ever present fear that I’m not really any good at writing, accounts for the fact that I have so many stories that I’ve never shared with anyone over the last fifteen years of my life. Because ultimately, it doesn’t matter if the things I write are never read by anyone. I am, after all, only writing them for me. If I don’t get my ideas out on paper, they will consume me.

Film is a creative outlet I am only beginning to tap into, but the more involved I become, the more involved I want to be. If I can motivate my film “partners” who I believe have much more knowledge than me to get going, I can only imagine what creative fields we may be able to conquer.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are days when I get super depressed still. And things in my world are far from “perfect”, but I do feel very blessed and ultimately very happy. I only hope that things continue to take turns for the better.

2005-08-31T18:29:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a book so phenomenal that I felt I had to share it with everyone who keeps up with my live journal. If you’re looking for something exceptional to read, let me suggest the new fiction novel Capt Hook by J.V. Hart. Yes, it may be considered a “children’s book” but this writer’s first novel is better than some much more experienced and popular writer’s tenth or twentieth books. Hart, however, is not a newcomer to the writing scene. He is well known for his screenplays that include Muppet Treasure Island, Contact, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and of course, Hook.

This new novel is a great adventure in which the reader learns of Captain Hook’s past and Hart takes us on a journey like no other. His writing is vivid and lush, descriptive, leaving nothing but beautiful pictures in our imaginations of his take on Neverland and how one of my all time favorite villains got there. If you are familiar with the story of Peter Pan, you will love the foreshadowing and symbolism that Hart uses throughout the novel to enrich his characters. For those of us who love pirate stories and Peter Pan, Hart has hidden goodies all through his text for us to find. His main character King James Matthew Bastard for instance, happens to have the same initials as our beloved J.M. Barrie (author of Peter Pan) and whose best friend happens to go by the nickname Jolly Roger. Almost all of his characters, for that matter seem to have some sort of symbolic names. There are Davies, Llewellyns, etc as well as characters with significant first names.

I don’t want to spoil too much, but I have to elaborate a bit on one of my favorite parts where we meet Jas’ pet spider: a nine inch black beauty with yellow spots in the shape of a hook on her back. She enjoys sitting on Jas’ hand, where due to her largeness, she manages to cover his entire hand! Loved it!
I simply can’t express how awesome Hart’s writing is or how much I thoroughly enjoyed his story. You must read it for yourself. I promise you will be in for a treat.

Hang in there with me readers...

2005-08-10T23:32:00.000-07:00

So as anyone else been bored enough to read Jennifer Anniston’s “tell all” interview in this month’s Vanity Fair? Well, I could say it’s because I want to be informed at my job or I could say that I had nothing else to do, but neither would be true. The truth is I’m just nosy.

So I read the whole damn four page thing (how many people really want to see her in her underwear after all? I mean, come on, even Brad Pitt said he’d had enough, but I digress). But after reading it, I have to give her credit for one thing: The paragraph where she talks about not being a victim. Finally, someone out there who takes responsibility and refuses to pass the buck on to someone else. And although I’ve never been a fan of hers, I must say that I admire and respect her for that. There are entirely too many people in our American society who blame everything that goes wrong for them on someone else. And yes, I am writing this with someone in particular in mind, but it is something that I have felt about Americans in general for a very long time.

Granted, I understand that it is easier to blame someone else for your problems, point your finger at someone else for things that have occurred due to your own faults, failures, or shortcomings. It’s a hell of a lot easier to play the victim and whine and complain about the unfairness that life has dealt you. And I’m sure it’s easier to sleep at night when you don’t have to think about how you could have done things differently or (heaven forbid I even type it) better.
So I applaud Jennifer Anniston’s refusal to become a victim. And I believe more women should try and take to heart what she is getting at there. It’s time we own up to our own faults and stop pointing our fingers at the other people around us. And of all people, Anniston could definitely have played the victim card and played it well, if she had wanted to. She could have cried to America about how unfair it all was and Americans would have responded. “Poor Jennifer Anniston, look at what a horrible husband Brad Pitt is,” or “Look at that homewrecker Angelina Jolie.” But she didn’t. Instead, she bucked up and took responsibility for her part. In the article she claims that it was both her fault as well as Pitt’s…which is fair, I believe, since it was their relationship.
But not once does Anniston make any negative comments whatsoever about Jolie. Talk about having good character. She doesn’t bad mouth her or point a single finger in her direction. So congratulations to America’s sweetheart for winning my vote. Now if only more Americans could follow in her footsteps and be such classy and respectable citizens.

Me and Rob

2005-08-07T17:59:00.000-07:00

Too cute not to post...he's so hot.

feeling yucky

2005-08-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

Wrote a long entry, but it didn’t come out like I wanted it to. I’m just frustrated with so many things right now. Just when it seems like everything’s going to come together is when it all starts seeming like it’s going to fall apart again. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but something’s got to change. I’m tired of the mood swings…tired of the ups and downs…just tired….so fucking tired.

Greetings from Clearwater

2005-03-06T17:21:00.000-08:00

Bonjour! So, last night was my second night of twisting balloons for tips. It really sucks to have to work all day and night, but I’m getting paid to see my boyfriend pretty much so it can’t be all that bad, right? I suppose not. So, my first night out I made a whopping $3.00 and then last night I made $11.00 so I guess things are getting better…but I need them to get A LOT better. For now though, I’ve abandoned my idea of working part time as a member of a pirate crew and I’m gonna see how things work out with Rob. If I can make good money doing it, this would definitely be the ideal situation…especially when we start filming the movie…etc. Rob and I spent the day in Clearwater today. At this moment, he’s twisting balloons and perhaps doing a bit of magic as well at Champps while I sit in the mall and write. I’ve found a quiet little spot by a fountain…good lighting, no people walking by, and the running water is just loud enough to drown out the Muzak and the annoying shopper’s conversations. Maybe when I finish this I’ll try and actually read a bit. Rob and I had lunch at this nice little restaurant me and my family found when we were down here. It sits right on the water and you can eat outside. We stayed there for a while, me working on my PotC fanfiction that I haven’t updated in decades and Rob working on the script. Nothing is better than sitting on the beach, drinking rum, eating seafood and watching the pirate ship go by while writing my pirate story. Argh! Until you drink too much rum, start to get tipsy and your boyfriend has to drive. Then you get where you’re going and you try to write to pass the time, but your head hurts too bad to actually think…yeah, not so much fun.Alright, enough for now…I’m gonna try to go read The Three Musketeers. My head hurts way too bad to get any creative or productive writing done.Bonsoir!

Birthday Celebrations

2005-02-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

Well, in case you have been under a rock for the last week…yesterday was my birthday. As I have been informed by several of those younger than me, who like to joke on my old age, I am now a quarter of a century. If I were a car, I could be an antique. What a warm and fuzzy feeling that sends out. Despite the fact that this was my first birthday away from home, ever, it was rather incredible. For the first time since I moved here, I feel that I am really connecting with people and really making some real friends. Several people surprised me over the last few days with different little things, but overall it made for a really memorable and special birthday. My parents came down and visited last weekend. We went to Clearwater where we took a pirate cruise. Definite cool points as well as a job offer from the pirate captain. I’m currently looking into getting hired part time there. How fitting would that be…me as a part time pirate?! Aargh matey!Saturday, my friend Dave came by the bookstore to bring me what may be one of the coolest birthday presents ever…a poster from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as well as an autographed photo. Yes, for all of you wondering, I now actually have a Johnny Depp autographed piece to add to my always-growing collection!Last night I had some friends over to watch the Oscars as part of my birthday celebration. I made Jell-O shots for the first time in what seems like years. My friend Joannie brought homemade cupcakes that she baked from scratch…very yummy and even more thoughtful. It was pretty cool that people were actually willing to put up with me through a viewing of the Oscars. (Did anyone else happen to notice that Johnny has his gold teeth back in?!) Rob bought me a very cool thumb ring that spins around and entertains my ADD-self…very cool.I was a bit disappointed that my other friend Rob didn’t show up, but when I got to work today he had a surprise for me. He had bought me a card and had everyone in the store sign it and he had also gotten me a cake. Wow! I was impressed. That kind of stuff means a lot to me.It was really good to see that I have some people here who are really looking out for me and that is cool.

Oh to meet Mr. Depp

2005-02-26T20:44:00.000-08:00

So, for perhaps the first time in my life (if it has happened before now, it was unbeknownst to me) I am in the same city as Johnny Depp. That’s right, I was informed that he is in Orlando right now as we speak. I’ve even heard from a fairly good source what hotel he is staying in, but I suppose that would be super psycho stalkeresque to actually attempt to find out if the rumor is true by visiting the hotel myself. And besides, the man likes his privacy, no doubt.So I assume that Johnny has quite a few things to visit the states for this week. His good friend, Hunter Thompson’s funeral for one. Although, do you call it a funeral when the man’s wish is to be cremated and fired from a cannon? Hmmm… Rumor has it that Johnny will perhaps provide the cannon, isn’t that what friends are for? So the literary world loses another fine author. A big thanks to E who decided to inform the entertainment world with a scroll across the bottom of their programs reading “…Today, Hunter S. Thompson accidentally fatally shot himself in the head…” Accidentally fatally shot himself in the head…hmmm…guess no one proofread that sentence for clarity. Nice. Reason number two would be none other than the fine Academy Awards. Now all of us true Johnny fans know that he has a snowball’s chance in hell of actually being awarded anything this year. I mean come on; if he couldn’t win one for Pirates, which was one of the most original cinematic characters of all times, how does his portrayal of J. M. Barrie have even the tiniest shot in the dark? So I guess the Academy likes to tease us…just dangling the bait in our faces and then snatching it away. I’m convinced that it will take Johnny’s death for most of the world to actually realize the talent that it has lost. (Sigh) Finally, talks of the next Pirates are in the making, I hear. Yet another reason for him to visit our fine city owned by none other than the mouse himself.So…even if I don’t get to see him this time…I’m getting closer! Dammit!

To have this forever...

2005-02-02T01:07:00.000-08:00

Is it possible for a relationship to be like this forever? I had lunch with Rob today and as we’re sitting there eating I’m feeling giddy happy to just be sharing time with him and I start pondering this thought. Granted, we’ve only been together about 4 months, but we’ve spent a lot of time together over those months and I start to think how odd it is that I still feel this great feeling just being around him. I suppose I might be on to something special here. I mean really, is it possible that you can find someone and really have that great feeling just to be sharing time with them for the rest of your life? You know the feeling I’m talking about…usually it only happens during the very beginning of a relationship when you just get so excited or happy to see someone and when you do you have that stupid grin plastered on your face and that special twinkle in your eye. I felt that way with Rob today and I realized how long it has been since I felt that way about someone even this far into a relationship. Sitting there, eating lunch with him, and it was nothing out of this world or special or anything like that…just a regular lunch, but there’s nowhere in the world that I would have rather been at that moment than with him. I love him, I really do and that scares me, for so many reasons.After my relationship with Kenn ending so incredibly poorly, I said I wasn’t going to love again, but I guess we don’t often have a choice in that matter do we? Love moves in and takes hostages and it doesn’t care whether you want to open yourself up to someone like that again or not. So I love him and that terrifies as well as thrills me. As I have said in the past, it is odd to find someone who makes the relationships in your past that you thought were so important and the people you thought you were so connected to feel out of place, but the connection I share with Rob is one I haven’t experienced in years. It is a good feeling though and despite my fear I think we have a real shot at having something both of us have looked for for years. I hope that I will find I am right.

Interesting Websites

2005-02-02T00:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you come across a website just too interesting to pass up. This is one of those. I encourage you all to visit and enjoy the research performed on Squirrel Hazing.
http://squirrelhazing.squirrelsinblack.org/

Happy Belated New Year

2005-01-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR…be it a little belated. I hope everyone is doing well. Anyone make any exciting New Year’s Resolutions? Yeah, you all know that I am not in favor of celebrating what I fondly refer to as The Worst Day of the Year. This year, however, and I know this will come as a surprise to you all, I decided to forgo my annual New Year’s Eve Depp Fest in order to spend the evening with Rob. I hope this doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass like every other New Year’s Eve Celebration has…but I digress. So, rather than snuggling up in a blanket with a bowl full of popcorn in front of a screen to swoon over gorgeous Johnny Depp, I snuggled on the sofa with Rob, who actually has very nice deep brown eyes that compete rather nicely with those of Mr. Depp himself. Oh, I’m in deep…yes, I admit it. What is happening to me?! So the New Year passed without a bang, without a large celebration, but with a very soft sweet kiss from a man I am growing more and more fond of every day.My family came down to visit not too long ago…right after the Christmas holidays. That was a nice change of pace I suppose. It was good to see them, but I guess since I haven’t been homesick to this point that that’s probably not going to come. Had a good Christmas, with them and friends. Many Johnny gifts were given and that’s always a happy holiday :o)So you might be wondering what else is going on in my life lately…or you might not, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Rob and I finally caught up watching the last three seasons of 24 on DVD before Season 4 began on Sunday. The first couple of hours seem promising although it looks as if there is an entirely brand new cast :o( The OC has also gotten started back up…promising 12 episodes in a row, which is no doubt some sort of miracle that has never occurred before on Fox TV. In the midst of new TV, I’m attempting to catch up on old programs that I got for Christmas, like 21 Jump Street and Party of Five).I haven’t been writing much lately…I’ve been feeling uncreative and unconnected to the characters…I’m starting the job hunt again tomorrow…got to get a second job to supplement the Barnes and Noble thing. Keep your fingers crossed for me…I really want to do flags and I hope I’m not passing up other good opportunities along the way.Things between Rob and I are still clicking along. They’re still complicated and at times I wonder if we are ever going to get a chance to really fall for each other like I think we both want to…but only time will tell. Until next time…

Best Singles Ad Ever Written

2004-12-26T18:21:00.000-08:00

My friend Melissa sent this to me and I just thought I'd share it with everyone here in my Live Journal.
Best Singles Ad Ever Written
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

Really Happy

2004-12-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

It is a strange feeling to come across a discovery like the one I have made most recently and one that I am not entirely sure I can explain. To realize that the things you thought you knew and felt were not as they seemed to be is a unique experience. It is highly possible that I will confuse not only my readers, but also myself as I attempt to describe, however attempt is exactly what I am going to do.

I have dated a couple of guys over the last few years that I have felt I could really be happy with and live happily with (we all remember the Kenn disaster, do we not?) But it wasn’t until things got really good with my current boyfriend that I realized those other relationships were missing something. Now I’m not exactly sure what that something was, but I know that things feel different these days. I’m happy and I mean really happy for the first time in a long time. Don’t get me wrong now…any of you who know the two of us personally know that we have more than our fair share of issues to deal with at any given moment. And maybe I’ll be proven wrong at some point, but this relationship feels different than anything has in a long time.

There is a level of happiness that I feel when I’m with him that I had forgotten what felt like. He is wonderfully sweet and thoughtful. He knows how to bring a smile to my face and we can laugh together for hours. I love the lightheartedness, the fact that we can be goofy and silly and then sit down and have a serious discussion. I thought I had found a good mixture of that before, but what he and I share has redefined my previous expectations.
Again, don’t get me wrong. Life is quite stressful for both of us, very often, and I have no idea where this relationship will end up. What I do know is that I’ve found someone to share a very special relationship with and someone who makes me truly happy.

One Small Flame

2004-12-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

Yep, yep, yep...a new short story. Anyone care to take a stab at who this one is about? :o)

Autumn moves into winter and a chill settles into the air. Darkness falls early and the shoppers rush in a mad dash to finish their lists and hurry home. The potential is high for this winter to be worse than the ones of the past. The weathermen predict that even in the Deep South the cold will set in and stay for a while.

The landscape is barren. Trees have lost their leaves months ago and the typical green surroundings have turned brown and cold. Long branches jut out from trunks like limbs of skeletons. It is more than uninviting; it is a premonition, a warning to stay away. To stay at home and not go out among the bustling crowds, even if it means being alone.

Although it is nearing the holiday season, the people seem unfriendly, as cold and harsh as the landscape that surrounds them. The hustle and bustle of shopping for their “loved ones” seems to have added to their bitterness as they all fight to be the most important customer.

Days pass and if possible, the landscape becomes more barren and deserted than ever. Weather reports warn people to stay home as a cold whiteness blows through the air. Brightly colored lights blink and twinkle and yet the entire atmosphere and environment of it all feels fake.

Another Christmas alone she thinks and then reminds herself that this is how it is supposed to be. There are the photos from home to comfort her, friends and family smiling back from years past. And then there are photos of the man she loves. The one who will never love me back she recalls because he doesn’t even know my name. The glossy images almost laugh back at her, mocking her stupidity. But it doesn’t matter to her, whether he knows her or not, he offers her a level of comfort that she cannot explain.

A few more days and she has added her own house to the growing amount of decorative ones gaily festooned for the season. Yet it doesn’t feel like Christmas to her. The cold outside chills her to the bone and she is once again reminded that she is alone.

There is one night that despite the coldness outside, she feels the desperate urge to breathe fresh air. Bundling up like a snowman, she leaves the house and begins to wander the barren streets. The air is bitter cold and yet she finds comfort in it. Almost every house is lit on this night and although she knows she should, she can feel no Christmas cheer.

For a reason that she can’t explain, one lone candle twinkling in the darkness catches her eye and she finds herself drawn to it. Wandering closer, she wonders at the warmth the small flame might provide. It lights a single window of an otherwise dark house and for a brief moment she is confused as to why the owner would choose to burn just the one small light.

She is unsure of how long she has been standing there staring in amazement at the fire or why it has captured her attention so completely when the door to the house opens and dark eyes peek out. For a long moment there is silence and the two study each other through the windows to their souls.

Although they have never met he offers one single word greeting, “Hi.” And the candle’s flame seems to burn just a little bit brighter.

Where does the time go?

2004-12-02T10:42:00.002-08:00

Wow, is it possible that it really is December 1? Where does time go and why is it that the older I get, the faster it seems to fly by? I suppose that before I know it, I will be old sitting around and wondering what I've done with my life. Wondering what happened to all the things that I was going to do when I was still young. There are so many things I want to do, so many goals I want to accomplish, but if anything is ever going to happen, I have to stop procrastinating. I've got to commit myself to these little projects and get them going. Otherwise, nothing will ever happen.

So, another day goes by and what do I have to show? A new chapter to my PotC fanfiction for one. How long has it been since I last updated that and do I still have any readers at all? Does anyone even care to know what's going to happen to Jack, and Anamaria and Will at his point? It really is a great story...I have so much planned for it. Now, if I can just make myself sit down and write it. As always, I will provide you with the link...go...enjoy...and leave feedback! http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1847059/20/

What else is new you ask? Still working at Barnes & Noble...and loving it. I've gotten really good recommendations so far. From what I understand, the managers really like what I'm doing and I think that's a good thing. Hopefully, many good things will come from it in the future. I suppose it's quite possible that maybe I've started a career and don't even know it yet. How odd would that be?

Same boyfriend...still unsure of where that's headed, but thinking at this point that it's probably to a good place soon.

Should be starting a new part time job pretty soon...more on that once it's official.

Headed home for Thanksgiving. It was good to see my family and have a home cooked meal for once. Rather cold there though...how quickly I've adapted to my life here in Florida. I'm definitely enjoying the warmer temperatures :o)
I suppose that’s all for now, sorry it’s nothing too exciting. Perhaps more soon…

Theme Song

2004-11-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…I’ve thought it myself…an American Idol song…get real. But seriously, this song should have been my theme song back in June. I don’t know why it’s taken me until now to realize how much I identify with it, but it has. Regardless…here are some more lyrics for my loyal readers :o)

Break Away by Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down,
I’d just stare out my window.
Dreaming of what could be
And if I’d end up happy,
I would pray.

Try not to reach out,
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me.
I wanted to belong here,
But something felt so wrong here.
So I’d pray,
I could break away.

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly.
I’ll do what it takes, until I touch the sky,
And I’ll make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget all the ones that I love.
I’ll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.

Wanna feel the warm breeze,
Sleep under a palm tree,
Feel the rush of the ocean,
Get onboard a fast train,
Travel on a jet plane,
Fall away, and break away.

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly.
I’ll do what it takes, until I touch the sky,
Gotta make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun
I won’t forget all the ones that I love.
I’ve gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.

Buildings with a hundred floors,
Swinging with revolving doors,
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me,
But I gotta keep moving on, moving on.
Fly away, break away.

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won’t forget the place I come from.
I’ve gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.

Break away, Break away.

Feeling Under the Weather

2004-11-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

Let me start by wishing my little brother a very happy 18th birthday! Yep, that's right, the little brother isn't so little anymore. He said he had had a good birthday and that's good news to me.

I'm feeling a bit under the weather today. A cold is coming on, which really sucks.

I'm participating in NaNoWriMo again this year. I got a slow start and I'm really beginning to wonder if I'm gonna actually finish this time. I've been to a couple of the meetings and there are a lot of Orlando people involved. It's pretty cool to meet some artistic people. Of course I guess looking at Planet Hollywood was probably counterproductive...lol. I suppose I shouldn't say that though...Kristin and Rob are both very creative and artsy.

Things at the bookstore are still going very well. I love my job and I love the people I work with. I got a call for an interview for another part-time job so I guess we'll have to see where that goes. I really do need to find something to get some more money...another pass to Disney wouldn't hurt either. :o)

Perhaps the most exciting thing going on in my life these days is my boyfriend. At times, things have been and are going to be complicated I'm sure, but overall I am very happy and I believe that he is as well. We have shared some really amazing moments together and it surprises me (and scares me just a bit) how natural things feel between us. It's not a bad scared...it's the good kind. The kind where you start to have that feeling that something really wonderful could come out of this. The scared feeling that you know you don't want to screw things up this time around. I see potential for this relationship...lots of potential actually. He treats me so great and I know I don't deserve someone like that...not someone as good as he is. I just hope he decides to stick things out with me in the long run. That was one thing I really feel like Kenn let me down on. The first sign of problems and he bailed. I am pretty sure that this is different and that is so important to me...finding someone who works through things.

Rob has a lot of characteristics that I am looking for in a partner. He's good for me, he's good to me. He inspires me...he's creative...we want a lot of the same things from life...we have similar goals...similar dreams...similar beliefs. We can sit down and have serious and deep discussions. We can be passionate and romantic to he point of making friends want to throw up (yes, Kristin, I'm talking about you :o)). We can laugh and be silly and cut up and have an absolute blast together. We match up in ways that I haven't matched up with anyone in a while and things feel so natural. I can be myself around him and he enjoys me. He may not like everything I do, but I feel like he accepts me for who I am.

Well, I think that's gonna be all for tonight...I really don't feel great and I'm not sure whether this is all making sense or not. I will try and update soon...til then...

Seeds of Hope

2004-11-06T20:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, so at the moment things are really good…peachy actually. I’ve quit my job that was living hell every day for me so now I’m just at the bookstore. Things are great there. I love my job, love the people I work with, and it’s a rather relaxing environment compared to The Big Blue Ball of Hell. No, I’m not making enough $$, but at the moment my sanity is worth struggling with the bills a little. I have more free time to write, dance, work out, spin flags, read…and look for another job. We all remember how long that can take here in the Sunshine State. I have good friends…who I will actually get to see now that I’m not working 16 hour days five days a week. More time to explore this nifty little city I’ve chosen to call home for the moment. Every time I leave the house and go somewhere new I find more stuff that makes me really like living here. It’s a nice town with lots of stuff to do that doesn’t involve rodents. I only wish I had taken more time to explore when I first moved here. But oh well, I guess there’s no time like the present. I have a great guy (nope, we’re still not using the boyfriend/girlfriend terms and yes, it’s way too complicated to explain) who I love spending time with. Not only is he weird and artsy (thank you Carolyn…you all already know that I like that type :o) but he’s also very hot and talented. I think this is the first man that I’ve ever dated that fit my description of being “my type” in the looks department. Dark hair, dark gorgeous eyes….he’s beautiful…but I won’t brag. He has a great personality. He can be silly and sweet and serious…he even broods (which yes, I find sexy when done at the right time). He’s creative and talented which means that he understands me and we all know what a gift that is. Is he perfect? No, but after the whole Kenn thing, I’d be worried if I saw him that way at this point. He does make me happy, however and for now, that’s all I’m asking. A little happiness is a nice thing. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, and he makes me think…all traits that make me want to get to know him more and snuggle even closer to him on the couch. And I’m not a cuddly person :o) So…for now…things are ok. Who knows if this will last forever or if I’ll even want it to, but at this point, he’s definitely someone I want to pursue more of a serious relationship with…and that’s enough on that.

So, while I’m happy for now, I bought Avril Lavigne’s new CD a while back (ok, it was new when I bought it) and it has a great song on there…very nice lyrics. I heard it on the radio for the first time today, but I’ve been listening to it since I got the CD. It’s kinda dark, but I like that and even though I’m happy today, who knows when I’ll need another melancholy song to fit my mood. So here are some more lyrics….

Avril Lavigne
Nobody’s Home

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
I's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.

It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeahShe's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Death to The Big Blue Ball of Hell

2004-11-03T20:29:00.000-08:00

Ahoy there mateys! I know I’ve been missing in action for quite a while and I’d like to apologize. I’ve been incredibly bogged down with working two full time jobs lately, but all that is at an end now. Today, much to my sanity’s relief and an overwhelming decrease in stress levels in my life, I quit my job at The Big Blue Ball of Hell. I know that you are all anxious to read the letter that I turned in to my boss so I will provide you with a copy. Just remember that with me, I don’t keep my opinions to myself. Yeah, I know…no surprises there, right? So here it is…the world famous…ok, well not yet…but my version of a great resignation/fuck you letter.

Michele & Ken:

This letter is to inform you that I will be terminating my employment with Planet Hollywood, effective immediately. I regret my inability to provide you with a two-week notice, but I find that I can no longer continue working for a company where I disagree so completely with the way in which business is conducted on an every day basis.

It is a shame that the company is run so poorly because it could be a wonderful job to hold. The environment is high energy as well as fun and getting to work with so many diverse people is a truly unique experience. Unfortunately, the way that business is carried out there makes working highly stressful.

I can no longer work in an environment where I feel no respect from the management and things take place on a daily basis that are unfair and unethical. I will not work somewhere that the management is unwilling to perform the tasks that they assign to their employees. Too many times I have watched a manager take a personal call on their cell phone while the store is crowded and guests are in need of assistance. Too many times I have watched various items be “comped out” because a sales associate doesn’t want to pay for them. Too many times I have seen fellow employees receive special treatment because they are friends with the management. It is unfair and it is no way to run or manage a business. I cannot continue working two full time jobs when the agreement made was that I would become part time. I have been working 15 and 16-hour days three and four days a week and even though it is two separate jobs, I cannot continue to function this way. I have tried to address the issue several times, but have only been put off about it and I cannot continue being ignored.

I am returning my Micros card as well as my name tag. If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me by my cell phone.

Moments of Realization

2004-10-22T22:22:00.001-07:00

Since I am very tired this is going to be brief…

But there are times when I’m alone and think to myself everything that has changed over the past 4 months and I am amazed at the things I have accomplished. I am by no means trying to brag and I hope that my words are not interpreted that way. It is more a moment of self realization that washes over me…of knowing what I am capable of.

I basically packed up everything I owned and moved to a state where I knew no one and nothing. I found a job, I made friends and I’m making it…I’m really making it. And I haven’t had to ask for help and I haven’t had to run back home and I haven’t had to call my parents and ask for money. I’m not saying that I did it all on my own…No, I have truly been blessed…I must admit that.
But I have proven to myself what I am capable of and that is a nice thought. For the first time in my life, I feel grown up…Ok, well not necessarily grown up as in an adult, but I feel competent and accomplished. I am finally beginning to realize what I want in life. I finally know who I am.

Moments of Realization

2004-10-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

New Update

2004-10-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

Well I suppose that all of you who keep up with me through the use of my live journal have been wondering where I’ve been for the past week or so. I’m around…just staying busy these days. And ha! Who am I kidding? I know that I’m probably the only one who reads this crap anyway ;o)

So I took the promotion at the bookstore. It’s actually a slightly bigger deal than I had previously thought. My section is huge and there are fewer leads than I thought. So I’m now in charge of History, Biographies, Religion, Current Affairs, Cultural Studies, Self Improvement, Romance, Exercise and Fitness, Health and Cooking. Wow….

Since the Big Blue Ball of Hell likes to make things difficult for me they’re keeping me on full time. My, how I appreciate that…I say this with dripping sarcasm of course. And these days, apparently full time means full time to them…I got 39 hours last week. So with both jobs I’m working close to 80 hours these days.

You might wonder what else occupies my time lately…or maybe not…so I’ll just amuse myself. I’m trying to keep writing. Shattered is my latest short story. A bit depressing you say? Well, life is a bit depressing also, is it not? Anyway, I find that expressing myself through writing eases pain and relieves thoughts, so why not?

I’ve also started to see someone. I think it is headed somewhere serious. I find myself hoping for that at least. He’s very special to me and I think that things would be very good if we ended up together. For now, that’s all I’ll say…wouldn’t want to spoil things at this point…way too early on for that. And you all know me well enough to know that there will be more than enough time for me to screw things up later on.

That’s about all for now, I suppose. Feeling happier these days, I am. I love my job at the bookstore and I find myself falling for a man who, if nothing more, has definitely shown me that there is room in my heart to have a good relationship with someone again. Definite potential for warm fuzzies and now I ask you, how scary is that?

Shattered

2004-10-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

Sitting on her balcony in the heat of the afternoon, she ponders life’s lessons. A slow light breeze passes, lifting her long blonde locks and she remembers that fall is in the air. It is the season she claims as her favorite and it suddenly strikes her as how morbid that is. So many people were fond of spring and its symbolism of rebirth and new beginnings. It represented cleansing and a fresh start, but fall was its polar opposite. It was a season of death and dying with a crispness in the air reminiscent of all that would come in the dead of winter.

The wind picks up again, blowing and biting at her unprotected skin and for a brief second she recognizes the fact that there might not be a spring next year, not for her at least.

The comments he had made on the phone yesterday had hurt, were still hurting. I just don’t have feelings for you anymore. There had been no warning, no sign that things were digressing. Overnight, he was just gone.

If only she knew how to fix things, what she had done wrong. What made her so unlovable to all those around her? You don’t mean anything to me, another biting comment made and she cringes as she thinks of it. Harsh and bitter words cutting into her and she finds tears running down her face. She wipes at them with her hands, smearing her makeup and then marveling at the mix of colors on her hands, the blacks and reds and blues all swirled together in some sort of cruel pattern.

I should have seen this coming, she thinks. Why am I so weak that I let people in this way? Time and time again and I know I will never be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy.

She is suddenly reminded of a comment her mother used to make when she was growing up. You’re not supposed to be happy. Happiness is just something that happens to a few lucky people, but no one deserves it. Another cutting remark. How hard she had fought in the past to prove that it wasn’t true. Yet now as she sits on the balcony she realizes that her mother’s way of thinking has gotten to her.

She goes to push her hair out of her face, to tuck it behind her ears, but it is tangled and she pulls at the knots trying to smooth them out. She hadn’t noticed the wind was blowing so hard.

She starts to cry harder as she feels the pain growing. Her friends were there for her, a part of her deep inside knew that. They had offered comforting words, had tried to get her mind off things. But none of that mattered now. She was alone in this moment.

She was beginning to get a headache from thinking so hard, from crying so hard, from the pain. How long have I been sitting here? she wondered. He was supposed to have called today, hours ago by now, she guessed. But he hadn’t. No surprises there she thinks. I should have known better than to even get my hopes up. Maybe I should get up and go inside she thinks.

It is starting to get very cold, but as she goes to stand she feels week all of a sudden. She wipes at her tears again and then studies her hands as before. The black mascara and blue eye shadow made sense, but where is the red coming from? She never wears lipstick and she has not put on that much blush.

She feels a sharp pain in her wrist and subconsciously rubs at it with her fingers, suddenly feeling a stickiness there.

What? she pulls her fingers away to study them.

For the first time she manages to see through the blur of tears. In one hand she is clutching a sharp glistening object. She turns it over a couple of times as the memory comes back to her. The picture frame she had cracked earlier with a hammer just to retrieve the shard of glass. The glass felt odd in her hand now. She had brought it outside with her and at the time she hadn’t really been sure why.

Now she knows.

She drops the glass to the floor, watching the red liquid flow. It is beginning to pool under her feet and she realizes that even if she doesn’t want it to happen this way it is too late now.
There will be no spring for her, only the dead of winter.

Promoted

2004-10-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

By the way…since I know everyone was waiting with baited breath to find out what’s become of my job situation…I got the promotion at Barnes & Nobles :o)

I've Been Psychoanalyzed!

2004-10-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking the other day that perhaps my largest problem in relationships is that I seem to always fall for unavailable men. Whether it’s physically or emotionally or mentally, it doesn’t matter, they are unavailable. Well, I’m talking to my friend Melissa and I casually bring it up in our conversation that I think that’s why I tend to get into so many bad relationships.

So what does she do?

She psychoanalyzes me. Well, not intentionally of course, but before she thinks twice she says that it’s because subconsciously I know those people are unavailable and they can’t make a commitment, therefore, I don’t have to.

So I’m quiet for a second…processing…and then I say, “Did you just psychoanalyze me?” and she says, “Yeah I did, I’m sorry.”

But that’s ok because after processing I think she’s right. So I’m a commitment phobe…is that such a bad thing to be? Well, in relationships at least? I mean, I’ve never really had a problem committing…it just always seems like the guys I date do, but maybe that’s because those are the kinds of guys I pick. Maybe I’m really the one who’s scared to commit…hmmm…something to wonder about for a bit at least.

Johnny Dreams

2004-10-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

I know that most will not realize the significance, but the fact that the Johnny dreams have returned to me is very important I believe. I have not dreamed of Johnny in over three months and I have missed those dreams so much. Those odd little moments of shared time are very possibly the closest I will ever get to the love of my life :o) I was beginning to wonder if they had gone for good, but finally they are back. Well, I had one at least. I can only hope for many, many more of Jack and Johnny…even Roux or Fred perhaps.

Another Song

2004-10-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

I hate it when lyrics to new pop songs jump out at me and make me thing they’re well written as well as meaningful to my particular situation…especially when they’re by someone stupid like Ashlee Simpson’s boyfriend…or is he her ex these days? Who can keep up with the Hollywood crap anyway? But it’s beside the point. The song’s lyrics are good and they make me think of me…although I don’t know who’s going to save me from myself…maybe no one, I suppose…I could just fall forever. But if someone ever does…this song is for them…

On the Way Down (Ryan Cabrera)

Sick and tired of this world
There's no more air
Trippin over myself
Goin nowhere
Waiting, Suffocating,
No direction, And I took a dive and...
On the way down
I saw you
And you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held onto you
I've been wonderin why
It's only me
Have you always been inside
Waiting to breathe
It's alright, sunlight on my face
I wake up and yeah, I'm alive
Cause on the way down
I saw you
And you saved me from myself
And i won't forget the way you loved me
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held onto you
I was so afraid, of going under
But now, the weight of the world
Feels like nothing, no, nothing
Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
Down, down, down
You're all I needed
Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
You're all i needed
And I won't forget the way you loved me
All that I wanted...
All that I needed... now
On the way down
I saw you
And you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held onto you
But I held onto you
But I held onto you

These Days...Fall is in the Air

2004-10-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

Things are still good these days. I’m tired of having to work all the time, that’s for sure, but what’s a poor struggling girl to do?

It’s October…finally…my absolute favorite month of the year for a couple of reasons. October is the first true month of fall and I love that. I love the nice breeze and the crispness of the air. That feel that winter is coming and the chance to start wearing long sleeves. There’s that smell of fall in the air and all the memories of football seasons and band competitions start to come rushing back. If only I were still with a marching program…sniffle, sniffle. Good times, I tell you…really good times…the best in my life probably. And of course, inevitably, my favorite holiday is contained within this month. I love Halloween! How much fun! Who couldn’t love a holiday where you get to dress up, get free candy, and hear ghost stories?! AWESOME STUFF!!!

As for life, well, it’s taken a couple of interesting twists since I got home, but that’s the way things work normally, isn’t it? I got offered a promotion at Barnes & Nobles. I thought this might be coming, but now I’m not sure what to do with it. The answer would be obvious except that they’re asking for full availability and I still need another job…one isn’t going to pay the bills. So, how frightening is it that I have to actually the managers at TBBBoH for permission to take the job? Well, perhaps it’s not exactly permission, but they’re the ones I have to get my scheduling worked out with and if I can’t, well then I can’t take the promotion. It sucks to have to suck up to the people you don’t respect. The promotion is however, a good opportunity, and one that could go somewhere one day. And at the moment, at least, the people from Planet seem to be pretty willing to work with me.

Partied way too hard this past week (after parties at the film festival followed by a night at Pat O’Brien’s and one at Pleasure Island) and it is going to be a long time before I decide to drink again. I’m getting too old for this sort of thing :o)

I’ve been talking to my friend Rob about all the movie stuff and I think we’ve come up with a pretty good idea for a short. Now we just have to sit down and write it out and figure out when we’re going to film it. I’m excited about it though. The initial idea was mine, but Rob has expanded on it quite a bit and turned it into what I think will make a nifty little short that we can hopefully enter in some festivals next year…very cool. Just wait, in no time at all I will be casting Johnny in a movie of my own…heh, heh…yep, that’s dirty laughter. Anyway…while we’re speaking of Mr. Depp himself…I updated my fanfiction…wouldn’t want you to miss out on the next great installment. You can find it here
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1847059/19/

I’m reading some good books…always, always reading good books :o) Christopher Pike’s Alosha pretty much sucks. I’m not really a fan of the whole fairy/elf/dwarf world, but oh well. I can only hope that the master of horror himself will decide to go back to the world of writing that he is so good at. Maybe the ending will surprise me though…but I doubt it. I’m also working on the trilogy of books by Anne Rice about Sleeping Beauty. Nice erotic fiction…very enjoyable.

I have a trip to the parks planned for next week with my friend Kristin…I’m looking forward to that…should be fun. And I finally get to use my cast member ID!

The Trip Home

2004-10-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

Aha! Finally time to write!

So I’m back home from the film festival. Been back home for quite a few days now actually…just haven’t had time to write. I had a really good time…but I guess I should start from the beginning. That’s usually the best way to tell a story after all, isn’t it?

Let’s see, the visit to Montgomery went well. I got to see a few of my friends there. I got some quality shopping done at Hot Topic…some perfect black boots to go with my cute black skirt. I had dinner with my friend Chad and stopped in Dothan on my way up to see Joe. I spent some really nice time with my family. I took my brother to the bookstore; I think he could almost do as much damage as me with books :o) I got to have lunch with my aunt and uncle and Nom. That was lots of fun. And I got to spend some quality time with Mom and Dad.

Mom and Dad…now there’s a side note that needs to be added here. They’re so weird these days! Holding hands and kissing and telling each other they love each other! Maybe my little brother has had time to grow accustomed to it, but not me. It’s weird…very strange. I suppose if you don’t know my parents then I probably sound like the weird one, but after 24 years of never seeing any of these things…NEVER…it is very odd to all of a sudden see them being all “lovey-dovey” with one another.

Friday (a week ago) my dad had surgery. Everything went fine…well, for him at least. Somehow the evil grandparents found out about it though and decided to show up at the hospital. I was not pleased, to say the least. In fact, if it hadn’t been for the fact that I had ridden with my mother I think I would have left. And despite that fact I was still tempted to walk home…even though the hospital is across the border and all. Why in the world would they decide to come except to make our lives more miserable? However, I told my mom when I moved that I wasn’t going to be nice to them anymore and I’m not. I don’t live there anymore and I’m grown. If I don’t want to see them, I don’t have to and I’m not going to. I made a pretty clear point of ignoring them. And then Aunt Colley showed up…did I just hear evil villain music playing in the background? That’s when things got really ugly. I ended up walking out of the waiting room…having to see her too was just way too much. I had never planned on seeing these people again in my life and then they walk into a hospital while my dad is having surgery and I can’t escape them! I’m not even going to start in on why they thought they needed to come. It was minor surgery for goodness sakes…he’s 51 years old…he doesn’t really need his mommy and daddy there anymore. The only redeeming light was the fact that Aunt Elizabeth and Uncle Charles decided to stop by and check on us and they were able to save me from the horns and pitchforks.

I left Montgomery Friday afternoon and drove up to Birmingham to meet Melissa and Marsha and we had a really good weekend. There were quite a few good films…Alice’s Misadventures in Wonderland, D.E.B.S., and The Loss of Nameless Things to name a few. It was lots of fun, but I must admit that my desire to sit in a movie theatre will be a long time in returning to me. We all know about how well I sit still for long periods of time. Melissa and I attended several of the after parties…they even had one that was a Mad Tea Party…how cool is that? That’s the Disney freak coming out in me. She made some good connections and I met some cool people…well, one cool person :o) I got to see Kenn again…and I stress see here because that’s all it was since he was immature enough to go out of his way to ignore me the entire weekend. I’d also like to add that there was a nasty attempt to talk dirty about me behind my back. Now, everyone here knows me well enough to know just about how well that sits with me…although I suppose it should not be a surprise at this point…grow some balls and say what you have to say! I do feel fairly comfortable in saying that I don’t believe the guys I dated in high school even acted this way. Ah, well, no great loss there…I’m still holding out for Johnny anyway and we all know that Kenn is no match for him :o)

Kate came up for a couple of days as well. That was kind of weird actually…lots of bumping around in the dark and acting strange…but she’s kind of been that way since me and Melissa told her we were both moving. Oh well…

Got to see Kevin (the alien) and Mia again and that was nice…as well as another screening of Lilah…I hope we’re all famous some day ;o)

Went back through Montgomery on my way home again and got to see Randall and Mom again. I also stopped in at Lee and paid a visit to my students and Michael and Donnie. I miss my kids there a lot…I miss teaching a lot. Also stopped by on my way back home and saw Joe again. We’re really good friends these days and that’s a nice thing. We’ve worked damned hard to get there too…

So that, my friends, in a nutshell is my trip. Thanks to the trip you also got the short story out of me :o) Just a little thought for the moment. I’m still gathering people’s opinions on it, but maybe one day I will expound on what it means to me…until then…

More Song Lyrics

2004-10-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

Take it however you want to…I’m not exactly sure who the words remind me of at this point…perhaps a couple of different people. None-the-less, they are fitting so…

So Much for My Happy Ending (Avril Lavigne…the only female singer I listen to ;o))

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretendingSo much for my happy ending

Congrats to my little brother

2004-09-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know how proud I am of my little brother. He took his Nissan 240 to NOPI in Atlanta a couple of weekends ago and he won! He now has the number one 240 in America. Pretty impressive, huh? Here's the picture from the NOPI website. http://www.nopinationals.com/2004/gallery/CarShowAsian/www.html

A Short Story

2004-09-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I still haven’t updated the fanfiction. Sorry mates :o( But I was productive in writing this weekend. The idea for this short story came to me while I was at home Wednesday…it hit me and wouldn’t go away until I put it on paper…despite the fact that my dad was watching TV and I had to focus way too hard to put the words down. Regardless, it’s been edited and here it is for your reading enjoyment. I’d like some thoughts if you feel like commenting or emailing me. I kind of want to see if I got the message across that I was attempting to convey. What are your final thoughts on the story? Enjoy and there will be updates from this weekend later on :o)

She entered the party from a side door and even from all the way across the room, she caught his attention immediately. She looked absolutely ravishing tonight and he wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination or if everyone really did turn to stare at her as she passed by.

She was dressed for the occasion, but had no date by her side. Her dress was the color of the sky and he could only imagine how well it must have offset the shade of her eyes. It flowed loosely down around her ankles and barely clung to her skin in all the right places. Silver strappy sandals added over an inch to her height and drew his eyes slowly down and back up her body. Despite the way the fabric flowed loosely around her, it still managed to accent her tiny waist. The low neck played up the cleavage that she would always wish for more of, but fit her body perfectly none-the-less.

At her throat she wore a single strand of pearls. Her arms remained bare except for the deep tan she carried from the southern sun. He subconsciously checked her ring finger for a wedding band.

What in the world was he doing, he thought. It hadn’t been that long since they had last spoken. And what if she was engaged? What did he care? He didn’t want her back.

She only wore one ring on her right hand, an exquisite emerald that he was sure he had never seen before. He briefly wondered where it had come from. A gift, perhaps?

She moved through the room gracefully, smiling and speaking to anyone she came across. She looked happy and she seemed to spread her radiance to those around her. An angel, he thought, she could pass for an angel tonight. The way she seemed to touch everyone she encountered without ever really doing anything special.

It was that smile, he thought. That smile that could melt a thousand ice cold hearts, his included, even in the dead of winter.

Her hair was pulled up and away from her face, allowing her features to express their full beauty. It was curled and styled loosely in a bun, revealing the small spot on the back of her neck that he used to love to kiss. The spot that he knew would send thousands of small shivers down her spine.

Tiny pearl strands dangled from her ears, loosely grazing her neck. And then there were those thoughts of her neck again. But he wouldn’t think about that tonight, wouldn’t dwell on lost memories. Tonight he wanted to enjoy her true beauty and he must admit that she was beautiful.

The party continued on, the dull music of the live band playing on in the background as his thoughts consumed him while he watched her finish her round of greetings. Almost before he realized what he was doing he was headed across the room, putting down his drink, putting out his cigarette, pushing gently through the crowd.

“Excuse me, pardon me,” he apologized.

She was going to leave, he could feel it and he couldn’t let that happen, couldn’t let her get away, not before he had at least spoken to her.

“Miss?” knowing that she couldn’t hear him, not yet anyway.

And then he was there, behind her.

“Excuse me, Miss?” finally close enough for her to hear, “Sarah?”

She turned to face him and for the first time that night their eyes truly met and she stared at him in confusion.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I don’t believe we’ve met.”
Staring into those glassy dark blue eyes he realized his mistake.

“No, no, you’re right. I’m so sorry to have disturbed you. It’s just, well, you just look like someone I used to know.”

She nodded an acceptance of his apology and stepped away. As he watched her go it seemed as if she glided on top of the floor and he had to force himself to focus on her feet touching the ground just to prove to himself that she had been real.

Elizabeth Ludlow

Going Home

2004-09-21T01:23:00.000-07:00

And they say you can never go home again…but that’s what I’m doing…well, Wednesday at least.

Ahoy there mateys! Did you know that today is national pirate talk day. Good thing I’ve been studying up so diligently. Anyway, I thought I better write and give everyone an update since I’m about to disappear for a week or so. I’m going to die without my internet connection! Whatever will I do when I can’t be connected to the rest of the world for a whole 5 days?!

I should probably be in bed right now. I have Traditions at 8 AM tomorrow…:o( I’m really excited about finally getting to go. I think I will enjoy the class and I will finally get to enjoy my Disney benefits. How long has it been? Three months? That damn rat…robbing us blind at every opportunity.

I’m leaving Wednesday morning to go back home. I’m strangely excited. Isn’t that weird? Who knew I would ever look forward to going back to Alabama. But the truth is I am excited for the chance to see my friends again and my family. Now that Kristin isn’t going with me :o( I can leave two days earlier and actually get to see my family without having to rush out the door to Birmingham for the film festival. I’m also going to have a chance to see some of my Montgomery friends…well, the ones I care about at least. The others will never know I ever even stopped by…bwahaha! Evil laughter ensues.

Anyway…my father is having surgery Friday so I will be staying in Montgomery through that afternoon. Someone has to take care of him and we’ve all learned that Mom is not the nurturer of the family ;o) I’m hoping to get some relaxing done…some reading and writing…but I know it will probably be pure craziness trying to fit everything in while I’m there.

Then it’s off to Birmingham for Sidewalk. I can’t wait to see Melissa again. I have missed her and Mark so much although they have still been a pretty strong lifeline even in Arizona. They’re wonderful friends and I’m so lucky to have met them. I know Melissa will be nervous to see her film on a big screen again…but it’s highly possible that we’ll all be so drunk by then we won’t notice :o) Just kidding…maybe…

Things at Barnes & Nobles are going well. I love the job and I love the people. I’m thinking I’ll probably try to go full time there in the near future…if I can convince David to give me a raise. It’s just so peaceful there and the people are intellectuals…those are hard to come across at TBBBoH. But I digress.

Finally finished reading TC Boyle’s new book The Inner Circle. I highly recommend it to anyone. It’s not what I thought it would be…I handpicked it off the shelf hoping for lots of sex…it is about Dr. Kinsey after all. What I discovered though was a beautifully written descriptive work about a very interestingly drawn group of people. Boyle really makes his characters pop off the page and seem lifelike with descriptions like none I’ve ever read before. Excellent, excellent, excellent read.

Now it’s on to Christopher Pike’s new fantasy world in Alosha. Why did the master of horror decide to focus on elves and dwarves? The idea seems silly, but I’m trying to keep an open mind…

Things at TBBBoH are still…well, hell…just as I said last time. I really need to get motivated to find another job. I cannot deal with those people. They screwed my schedule up again on Saturday. The one in the mini said 5-11, but the cheat sheets said 4-C. What the fuck is that? AARRRGGGHHH (in honor of national pirate talk day and all).

Despite the sucky job frontier I’m still feeling pretty happy. Things are looking up these days. I’ve made some good friends and I’m getting involved with some projects that I’m really excited about. I have a focus…a direction again…and I think that’s good for me.
Well, it’s bedtime. I gotta be up way too early. And after that…I’m headed home. I’m sure that I will have many interesting stories to tell when I return. Until then…Au Revoir!

Never Enough Time

2004-09-18T01:34:00.000-07:00

Why is it that there never seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done? I even had the day off today and I still didn’t get everything finished. My poor fanfiction…I have devoted zero time to dear Jack lately. Perhaps I should say my poor fanfiction readers though, for it is they who are truly suffering from my lack of time to write these days. I did, however, manage to get most things done that I set out to do today. I tanned and worked out…used to have time for that 3 or 4 days a week…no wonder I’m getting chunkier these days ;o) Hmmm…what else? I allowed my friend Kris to drag me shopping with her. I would say that was productive, but it depends on which way you look at it. It was productive for my credit card company I suppose. As for my wallet…well, that is why I’m working two jobs these days, isn’t it? Yes, so back to the trip to the mall. My goal was a black skirt and some black knee-high boots for next weekend. Now, I ask you, do you think either of those two items was found? Well, I did buy a black skirt, but it wasn’t what I had in mind since I was picturing something dressy and ended up buying a cute little number from Hot Topic. That particular store also turned up a pirate search that ended in notebook paper and magnets. I love that place :o) I did also manage to find a cute dress to wear to the parties next weekend so that should be good.

Well, that’s going to be all for my short little synopsis of today. I’m tired and I have to be at work early again…so tired of this. I want to write, so badly! but there is no time! Arrrggghhhh! That’s pirate speak there mateys. Goodnight.

Useless Information

2004-09-14T01:24:00.000-07:00

Things are still looking up…smooth waters and good sailing winds dead ahead…I hope. Despite my immense amount of hate for tBBBoH and the extreme amount of exhaustion I’m feeling from working all the time…life is pretty happy at the moment.

Two and a half hours at the bookstore the other day turned up 3 magazines with Johnny pictures in them! Thank heavens for the Venice Film Festival…the man has been damn near invisible for the last month or so. They’re nice pictures too…big full page color ones :o) I must also thank my dear friend Kristin for making beautiful stickers of dear Johnny to adhere to my Micros card at tBBBoH. It’s the pic of him where he’s pointing his finger to his head like a gun…that’s how working at the damn place makes me feel. Like blowing my brains out! Thank you Johnny for providing such a lovely photo to look at that also manages to express my feelings so well ;o)

Finally caught up with my good friend Sweet T again the other day, who for the moment being will remain nameless in case I want to engage in interesting discussions about him ;o) Yes, I know you’re probably reading this…and for the record I am madly in love with you and want to have wild and crazy sex with you all night long :o) Anyway, it was a nice good catch-up chat.

Things have been so busy with work lately that other areas of life are suffering. My writing is taking a hard hit. My readers for The Horizon are probably going to start sending me hate mail soon. I’m having ideas and the story is blossoming inside my head, I just don’t have time to get it all down on paper. A very frustrating position to be in as a writer. I’m trying desperately hard to keep reading…finally finished the Johnny Depp biography. It was very good…nothing I didn’t already know, but then I’m guessing at this point that would be a rather difficult thing to accomplish. I’m working on a collection of stories by H.P. Lovecraft. It’s pretty good, nice and dark. Kinda twisted…so far my favorite one was The Outsider although I also enjoyed Herbert West – Reanimator. The Outsider was a bit predictable, but I’m sure at the time it was written it was rather profound. I also borrowed The Inner Circle in hardback from Barnes and Noble. I’m planning on starting that one tonight. It sounds interesting even though it’s out of the typical genres that I normally enjoy. There are so many books I want to read and just not enough time!

Went shopping at Wally World tonight and got some good stuff. A couple of new shirts for work and some tasty foods. I’m really going to try and start eating better…no more vending machine food for this girl. I’ve got to lose some weight. I’m also going to try and start working out again.

I’m excited about going back home next week. Turns out that my dad is going to have surgery that Friday so it will be good that I am going to be there for that. Funny how things work out, isn’t it?

Well, I’m off to a warm bath…this is the first night I haven’t had to be at work since I don’t remember when. I’m going to soak with this new novel. I hope it’s a good one.

A Brighter, Shinier, Happier Elizabeth

2004-09-10T04:00:00.000-07:00

Well as indicated by the oddly cheerful title (that is, odd for me at least) I’m feeling better these days. I’m not sure exactly when or why the transformation took place, but I’m feeling good…about life, about myself, about things in general. It is often strange to me how these transformations take place, but it’s nice. One day you’re moping around complaining about life and how bad things are and then the next thing you know you’re happy and things are peachy again. And even though you know it didn’t happen overnight, you don’t recognize the transformation period. I know for me, especially with this last time, I didn’t snap my fingers and become happy in 24 hours. And yet the change happened so gradually that I didn’t even notice it happening. I’m not sure I’m doing such a good job of explaining this in words. Hmmm…and I want to be a writer…not a good thing ;-) Ok, my point is that it seems my sad to happy transformation happened overnight even though I know it has been going on for some time. It’s just weird that you don’t realize it’s happening while it is.

Alright, no more trying to explain. So, aside from things in the big blue ball of hell being, well, hell, things are good in life. I suppose I’ve made some fairly profound discoveries about myself. I think I know where I want to be in life and I think I’m headed there…and that’s a good thing. I’m away from Alabama and all that I feel drug me down for a long time there. With the split from Kenn I’m finally able to really start over down here like I wanted to do from the beginning and that sense of independence feels very nice. I didn’t notice the change there either and I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I stopped missing Kenn. I think we are better not together and I think that in the long run, maybe even the short run, he was self-destructive for me. So it’s good that that tie has been severed. I forget when I get into a relationship how much I truly enjoy being alone. Many people will never understand that and even question my sincerity towards it, but I genuinely enjoy the time that I am single. It is in those times that I truly find myself and can work towards getting what I want out of life. I do have a tendency to put others above myself and when I’m in a relationship it can end up hurting me and stunting my growth more than benefiting me. So it has always been and will be the times when I am single that I am happiest and seem to be the most successful.

There are several guys out there on the radar. Some of them are small blips on the horizon and others are beginning to pull at me a little more strongly. It’s comforting to know that I’m still attractive, that there are people out there who are interested in me. But as far as forming a relationship with anyone, I just don’t think it’s going to be part of my agenda for a long time. This is a time in my life where I need to do some things for me and if I get involved with someone the focus will shift to them and I don’t need that right now. I need to get myself in a spot I’m happy with before I try and make someone else happy.

I’ve made friends who I feel safe at this point saying are Good Friends. Friends that I know I can depend on when I really need someone to depend on. We go out and we have get togethers…such as Two for Tuesdays…and we share stuff. I’m making connections with groups that I have been involved with in the past. Writing groups and dancers and band people. I’m diligently going to the bookstore once a week to write and research (and look for new Johnny Depp pictures in magazines J ) I’m working on my fanfiction hard core again. I’m back to my Depp website, trying desperately to catch up on all the JD news I have missed out on over the last couple of months. I’m working out again…dancing, spinning. I feel like I’m getting parts of my life back to normal…back to me…and in a new environment which brings a nice mix to it all. It feels fresh, but it feels sincere and that’s a good feeling…a true to myself feeling.

Strangely enough, I’m excited about going back to visit Alabama at the end of the month. That’s a weird feeling in and of itself, but I think it’s the people I’m looking forward to seeing and not the location. It’s also helpful to know that my friend, Kristin, is going with me so I won’t be alone in the terrifying land of the abnormal. I will have someone to rationalize with when things get too “Alabamian” for me.

Work is going well too…well, at least at my job that can actually be called a real job. David has been very complimentary and seems to be very pleased with the work I am doing at Barnes & Noble. He wants me to come on full time I believe and I’m truly thinking about doing it, although it would be nice if I could manage to get a raise along the way. I’m really happy there…I love being a bookseller…although I’m still pretty sure I’m spending more money than I’m taking home.

The balloon guy at Planet gave me a balloon tonight…it’s Batman. How cool is that? Batman is my favorite superhero and he’s awesome. I was talking to him tonight and people were laughing at me because I was flying him to the parking lot and saying things like, “To the Bat Mobile!” I don’t even need alcohol…lack of sleep will work just fine in getting me to be crazy. Anyway, BatBoy and I are about to head to bed. It’s getting late…or early…whatever your view on time is. I’m off work tomorrow, but have some venting to do about tBBBoH so I will probably write again soon.

Insert Witty Title Here

2004-09-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

So I haven’t really written in a while. I guess that’s what happens when you work sixteen-hour days all the time…maybe this two jobs thing wasn’t such a good idea. But the bills have to get paid somehow and Planet just isn’t cutting it right now. So for the moment, most days I work 11 – 4 at Barnes & Nobles and 5 – 2 or 3 AM at Planet (aka the big blue ball of hell). I actually applied for a job at Hard Rock (traitor!) and I can go for an interview on Monday. I simply can’t deal with the bullshit that goes on at PH every day. It’s more corrupt than I ever could have imagined. “The Group” really is a group and they really are getting unfair treatment…to an extreme amount…and that I just can’t deal with. Everyone is struggling for hours. I’m getting about 30 a week and this is supposed to be a full time thing. Well, last week I was looking over the sheet of people who are getting close to having overtime. ALL of them were people from “the group” and all of them are working between 38 and 45 hours a week. Tell me how that’s fair. Everyone else is trying to get hours and yet somehow they’re all ok? WTF?!

Then you have “The Girl with the Forked Tongue”. I’m pretty sure she’s sleeping with all three of the managers. I wonder if that ever gets confusing or if they take notes and compare things about her later on. One would think that it would have to be awkward to stand in a meeting with all of your bosses and know that you’re banging each of them later on in the night. So she takes care of their needs and in exchange she gets to do things like take Ken Ken for a ride in her brand new car and let him buy her ice cream while she does no work but stays clocked in for 2 hours. And then there was that little comment she made the other day at pre-shift when someone said that the supervisor who had a question about closing the mini at 2 AM should have called Ken. “He wouldn’t have answered.” Do I need to remind anyone that Ken Ken is married?!

There’s “The Trendsetter” who for some strange reason manages to get “the group” to follow his lingo blindly. As a result, all sorts of scary words such as “Fantasmic”, “Hells” and “Shoo” are circulating the store with no end in sight. It’s bizarre the way they flock to him and follow his lead. It almost resembles one of those religious groups whose leader ends up making them all drink poisoned Kool-Aid together. I’m sure there is some witty comment just waiting to be made as I compare stupid phrases to poisoned Kool-Aid, but it’s just not coming to me at the moment. The Trendsetter has also managed to steal almost one piece of every type of merchandise from the stores and have the management comp it out for him. Now my first question is the obvious Why would you want that shit? But my second deals with morals and ethics and since the group clearly has none…we will move on.

There is one member of the group that I’ve grown rather partial to…Although I know that Julien is a key player to the group, I must admit that I actually like him. When Julien is not around the group, he is a very neat individual. He’s very intellectual and cultured. He’s very interesting to talk to and I find myself looking forward to the conversations we have when we work alone together. The moment a member of the group walks in however, the conversations shift and become more light-hearted and not so serious. It’s kind of sad and I wonder if they even know all the depth there is to Julien or if he is just a fun Frenchman to party with. If that’s the case, they are really missing out and Julien is selling himself short.

So that’s enough about the corruption that exists in the Big Blue Ball of Hell…how about the corruption at Disney?! Let’s talk about the Mouse or the Rat…whichever you prefer. Disney brainwashes people. I haven’t figured out exactly how just yet…it seems as if placing ears on them and reorganizing their brain waves would be too obvious, but then I guess you never know. Can anyone tell me why we were the only people in the whole damn city who had to work last night? Go ahead…anyone…you there, in the corner in the back, go ahead and give it a shot. “It was a beautiful day yesterday.” Oh yeah…you’ve been brainwashed by The Mouse…have you been eating that hallucinogenic cheese again? We were open yesterday because Mickey might as well just shout out “Fuck you” to all of his employees over the loudspeaker. “We don’t care if your homes blow away in the storm tomorrow because you haven’t had time to prepare. Remember what we told you in Traditions? All of our employees should be replaceable…everyone should just blend in.” Why don’t they just build an entire army of robotic mice? Wouldn’t that be cheaper ultimately anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t have to pay them, right? I would actually be a little surprised if they hadn’t already thought of this.

So what did we do yesterday while the entire city was preparing for the storm? We stayed open and worked to bring that extra hundred bucks in…because after all, it was a beautiful day! Here’s another great little tidbit about Disney. Did you know that, as an employee, we’re not allowed to bring up any bad news to guests? I understand that they’re trying to make sure the Fantasy Vacation is complete…I mean, after all, they’re selling happiness, right? Bottled happiness. But there is a point where it just goes to far. Example? Alrighty then…a guest comes in and says, “It’s a hot day out today.” We’re expected to say something to the effect of, “Yeah, but it’s beautiful out there.” Alright, I accept that…play into the fantasy…no harm done. But say for example when 9/11 happened, if a guest came in and asked an employee what was going on they were supposed to tell them that they didn’t really know because they’d been at work all day. What the hell is that? I mean come on people, you can’t just ignore that shit and make it go away. The Mouse is disturbed…there are some serious issues with that way of thinking.

And because Disney is the great and wonderful company that it is, we’re all getting Severe Weather Pay for the time we miss because of the hurricane, right? Is that mouse laughter that I hear? Of course we’re not! It’s probably part of the brainwashing process…we’re supposed to be happy we’re getting the hours now because they’re sure as hell not gonna pay us for the couple of days they have to shut down the park. Do you know how much money Mickey is losing? He’s gonna have to settle for a cheaper brand of cheese for a couple of days at this rate. I can see the dollar signs clicking away in his eyes as he imagines all the lost opportunities.

And as if on cue, the hurricane winds are howling just outside my window. I’d like to shout out a great big Thank You to the lovely Sunshine State on greeting me with not one, but two nice hurricanes in my first two months of residency. Nothing says Welcome Home like having to wonder if a tree is going to land on your car in the middle of the night….or how about a twig launching itself as a small projectile through your window. Ahhh, the excitement of hurricane season…to think of how I was missing out on all this fun in Alabama. But I suppose if I have to choose, I’d rather die in a hurricane than from sheer boredom.

You know, the people from Barnes & Noble never called to say we weren’t working tomorrow. So does that mean that I’m supposed to show up at 8:30 AM? If they think that’s gonna happen, they’ve lost their damn minds. Somehow I figure I probably just missed the call though. We’ve been closed since Thursday night and since they actually care about us, they are paying us for Severe Weather Pay. Obviously they haven’t been affected by the corruption of the mouse’s dollar yet.

Chapter Eighteen

2004-09-05T01:29:00.000-07:00

Being productive again...Chapter 18 is now up and ready for reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1847059/18/

An Insightful Conversation with "The Ex"

2004-08-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

I had a rather interesting and thought provoking conversation with Joe a couple of night’s ago. While I was talking to him and he was expressing his opinion he actually sort of pissed me off. Once I got off the phone with him and had time to process and really think about what he had told me though, I realized that he was right.

The main thing he expressed to me was that I was not the same person that I was when I left Alabama and that for the most part it was in with a bad way. He said that it didn’t have anything to do with my relationship with Kenn ending so badly and that he didn’t really know what I did every day down here so maybe he didn’t have an accurate opinion. But he said that it seemed to him that I had given up on my dreams. He asked me what I used to say I would never stop doing and I said, “Teaching flags and dance.” Then he asked why I don’t talk about those things anymore.

Things were complicated when I first got here and I guess I mainly just focused on getting A Job…any job. Now that I’m here and things have settled down though, I think I need to take a look and rearrange my priorities. Color guard (marching band) has always been my true love. It’s why I wear my necklace every day of my life, isn’t it? To remind myself that no matter how bad things get I’m supposed to follow my dreams. There was a point in my life where I couldn’t imagine not being involved teaching guard somewhere. Now, I never even really talk about it or think about it. Is that my way of dealing with the loss it has created? If I don’t think about it and I don’t bring it up then it can’t hurt me, right? Well, it’s right and wrong. I won’t miss it that way, but I also won’t be challenged to pursue my dreams and a job where I can achieve happiness.

And so Joe is right. I’ve forgotten my dreams and I’ve forgotten who I am…and I think a lot of that was what made me special. It was what made me, me. I always said that I’d follow my dreams. I’ve always said that money didn’t matter, that I would rather work a job I actually enjoyed. I’ve always said that teaching and working with my students…watching them develop a passion for something that I’m passionate about…was the best reward in the world. To know that you’ve changed someone’s life, you can’t get a better feeling about a job than that. And yet somehow, over the hustle and bustle and craziness of the last few months I’ve forgotten that. I’m working two retail jobs and at the end of the day, how rewarding is that really? It’s not…it’s nothing like working with my kids…nothing like sharing my passion with my students. One thing that people who used to watch me teach guard always commented on was how passionate I was about it. I never tried to be more successful teaching, I never worked any harder at it than I did anything else, but people would always say that they could see how much I loved what I did when I taught flags. They said my tone of voice would change, my eyes would light up, and that they could tell just by watching me teach how much I loved it. In ten years of color guard, I never remember a single time that I looked at my watch and thought, “Yea! And hour until I get to go home!” Most of the time my students had to stop me and say, “Miss Elizabeth, you’re already fifteen minutes over…we need to go home.”

Sure there were times when teaching was hard. There were times when I was ready to pull my hair out over arguments with students…or worse…parents. There were times when I wasn’t sure if I’d ever made a difference in anyone’s life or taught anyone anything. But you know what? Just knowing that you’ve touched one person…knowing that because of you one more person has the passion for the activity that you do…that makes it all worth it.

Working merchandise, you don’t get feelings of satisfaction like that. You may help a customer, but you’re not going to change anyone’s life. So, come winter time, when contest season is over and concert band is in full swing, I’m going to look for a high school marching band program. Concert season always puts band directors in a happier frame of mind than marching season and they will also know by then whether or not they are going to have a guard person for next year. I have to get involved again somehow. I may be down and depressed and feeling completely out of sync with the rest of my life, but that’s the one thing that has to be right. It’s my truest love and closest to my heart. It’s who I am and if I forget that, then I forget everything.

The Wonders of Stripped Books

2004-08-28T02:38:00.000-07:00

You know how all paperback books have that little paragraph in the beginning that talks about buying the book if the cover has been ripped off? If you don’t, then you either don’t read enough or don’t pay close enough attention to what’s in your books. Well, I’ve kind of always wondered what exactly that paragraph meant and today I found out. Let me tell you of the wonders of “stripped books”.

Once every month or so at the bookstore we go through all of our paperback stock and pull out anything that isn’t selling well. We leave 2 copies on the shelf, but everything else gets pulled to the back. In the back, we rip the cover off the book (this part has the barcode on it) and send it back to the publisher to get credit and then we destroy the book.

When I was first assigned this task today, it horrified me. Tearing up books…can it get much sadder than that? Luckily I was assigned the romance section so I didn’t feel too bad ripping the covers off and tossing them in the box to be recycled. There was also a fiction cart, but fortunately someone else was going to do those.

Well, after I finished ripping them up, one of the guys I worked with came and told me about the wonders of stripped books. You see as it turns out that we can take some of them home with us…up to five actually…per day. How cool is that?! And I thought it didn’t get any better than the 30% off discount. Boy, was I wrong! Anyway, the managers have to sign for them, but we can go through the stripped books and take 5 of them home with us. AWESOME!!!

Strange Happenings and Lessons on Love

2004-08-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

Got a really weird feeling last night. I talked to Kenn on Friday night so I had figured I probably would give his phone a rest for a while, maybe give him a chance to call me. (Hah! Like that would ever happen. I’ve learned that lesson as well. I feel so stupid learning all these damn lessons over again.) Anyway, I all of a sudden got this strange feeling that I was supposed to call him. I ignored it for a while, hoped it would pass, but it wouldn’t go away. It just kept sitting there, eating at the corners of my mind. So I called…no answer (no surprise there).

After I left a message, I attempted to go to sleep. That’s when the weird things started coming. I guess they were daydreams, perhaps? I wasn’t asleep so I can’t call them dreams, but I wasn’t one hundred percent awake either. Hmmm…

I dream about Kenn every night, nothing new there. I can’t seem to make it go away and so it continues. Dreams about happy times we shared, dreams about good parts, although come to think of it, there were no bad parts when we were together. I think this would all be so much easier if I could just understand what happened to us. If I could just get a good explanation of what I did to make him unhappy with me. If I just knew what I did to make him fall out of love so easily. Anyway, the “dream” would end and for some reason whenever it does it makes me sit straight up in bed when I realize we’re not together anymore and I feel like I’m going to throw up. It’s odd. To feel so upset at my stomach and to be unable to go back to sleep. I just lie there and stare at the ceiling and wish that it would go away.

Why is this so hard? Why can’t he just talk to me and explain things once and for all? Why can’t he just love me again? This is one of the absolute lowest points in my life. I feel empty inside…broken. I can’t imagine that I will ever truly be ok. I know that I won’t ever let anyone else in again…I can’t. Even if I wanted to, this wall will never come down. Same lesson learned twice…I don’t believe in love…well, I guess I have to believe in love because unfortunately I’ve felt it…even more unfortunately I still feel it. But I think love is a bad thing…it’s a weakness…almost like a disease or a sickness. Being in love doesn’t work out…it’s not hearts and curlicues and smiley faces…it’s loneliness and pain…tears shed alone in the dark and no one that cares. That’s what love is…or that’s what love turns into.

I’ve said that it’s a game….maybe “game” is the wrong word…but the theory is correct. It’s all about seeing who can get the most out of the other person while giving the least. It’s all about making sure that you’re the one who comes out on top in the end…the one who doesn’t get hurt. It’s all about making someone else feel the way you want them to when you want them to and resisting feeling what they want you to feel when they want you to feel it. It’s about getting someone to believe in you and fall for you and not make the mistake of falling for them. And to me, that’s a game. Whether anyone wants to acknowledge it or not, that’s what it is. And these things I know I’m right about. I don’t want to be right about them, but I am. It’s that simple.

Everyone is out for themselves…you do what you have to do to make sure things work out right for you. It’s not even a conscious effort…it’s part of that whole survival of the fittest thing. You have to put yourself first to survive and if someone gets hurt along the way…well, that’s just life, isn’t it? But the mistake is made when someone starts to believe that they actually mean something to someone, that the other person cares about them for who they are. The mistake is made when someone forgets that they are just helping someone else get to where they want to be. And that mistake, is fatal.

So…lesson learned…don’t fall in love. I just have to remember it this time. And somehow, if nothing else ever sticks…I think this will. It’s me and Dot from now on. I’ve always said I’m supposed to be alone and I believe that more strongly than ever. There are no prince charmings and no puffy white clouds…no rainbows or smiley faces…and no rings in the future. I’m alone and that’s how it’s supposed to be…that’s how it’s always supposed to have been. Now, if I can just not get myself mixed up in this whole relationship thing again. If I can just decide not to date…to truly be alone…things will be ok.

Damn the Planet People

2004-08-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

I’d like to take just a moment to vent my frustrations about my job at The Planet (aka Planet Hollywood). Things have been progressively moving downhill, but they seem to be getting worse by greater extremes these days.

The entire merchandise department is corrupt, I tell you!

Alright…not everyone…Nick and Kristin…I’m letting you guys off the hook. I’m sure there are potentially some others that I am misclassifying at the moment as well…but you just never know these days. There is so much crap going on in that store that there’s no way that anyone who isn’t part of “The Group” will ever get anywhere. Don’t get me wrong…I have no problem with people who work together being friends outside of work, but this extends way beyond that.

Example, please? But of course…

The other night as I was trying to close at 2:30 AM with the supervisor I was working with, we were rudely disturbed by 4 very drunken fellow employees. Now, my first question would be to inquire as to why anyone would want to go to the place they work at 2 in the morning after they’ve been partying all night, but we’ll skip that for now. These “model” employees, and I say that in great jest, included a supervisor, a manager and 2 sales associates, one of which is the only employee in the merchandise department to yet be rewarded for having Planet Hollywood Pride. And what exactly is Planet Hollywood Pride? The ability to out drink your fellow employees and come to work drunk to disturb people who are actually working or the ability to fuck the managers the best? Or perhaps it’s a combination of both…at this point I’m not really sure what qualifies one for PHPdom…but whatever it is, I feel that I probably don’t have it and don’t want it to be more exact.

I’m not really sure how I made it on the shit list…I just know that I’m there. And with things turning out the way they have been lately, I think it might actually say quite a bit about my character (who knew I actually had any) that I’ve been placed there. Michele sucks. She picks and chooses favorites…isn’t that a great way to run a store…some manager qualities those are. Why is it that I’ve been begging to go to Traditions ever since I started and can’t seem to get scheduled for it while others have been scheduled more than once and never seem to go?! WTF is that? Its BS at it’s finest, I suppose.

I believe its time to start searching for a new job…not again…I hate the job search! But I’m pretty sure that I can already see that I’m not going to progress with this company as I had hoped. Oh yes, and isn’t life grand? When one thing falls apart it all goes to hell in a hand basket, doesn’t it? It’s not enough that life sucks badly enough already, let’s see how many other things we can make go wrong in Elizabeth’s life this week.
Well, I don’t know about you, but this is getting depressing enough for me…Good night…I’m out.

More Dreams

2004-08-23T00:36:00.000-07:00

Up early this morning…thanks to more dreams. You know, they’re not bad dreams. They’re dreams about good memories, good times, and nothing bad ever happens in them. But for some reason they make me sit straight up in bed and I feel like I’m gonna throw up halfway through. Odd? Perhaps. I think it’s been almost a month now. I don’t really want to try and recall the exact date and I’m still not over him. I’m pretty sure at this point that I will never be. I think three days is probably the longest amount of time it’s taken me to get over someone up to this point and I don’t think I’ve ever cried more than about thirty minutes over a guy. But this is different…as were my feelings towards him and our relationship. I don’t think I will ever feel whole without him again. I want to forget about him, to think of all the pain that he has caused me and just write him out of my life, but I can’t. I love him…and damn love, because it won’t go away. I just want to be with him again…to be happy together again…and I don’t understand it. Life isn’t fair, I know that. Life downright sucks most of the time and I’ve always been one of the first to admit this. But this is so incredibly unfair and it hurts so bad. I’m dying inside. I really am. It’s killing me. I cry every day. It won’t stop and I don’t know how to fix it.

I’ve turned down 4 dates this week…2 with the same guy so I’m not sure if that counts or not. They all seem to be fairly nice guys and it would probably do me some good to attempt to get out, but none of that matters. I want to be with Kenn. And yes, we all know just how stubborn I really am, but this is different. I’ve talked about settling before. He opened so many doors and changed so many things for me and I just can’t see anyone else being able to do that. In 24 years, I’ve met one guy who became that special to me in just a couple of months. I don’t have a lot of hope for finding someone else of that caliber. This is literally ripping my heart out. I thought the pain was supposed to go away over time, but no, it’s not going anywhere. It’s sitting right here, eating slowly away at me. And I can’t continue on this way. My life feels so empty without him.

I know that it’s bad for someone in a relationship to change you, most of the time. And I never would have believed until I met him that good changes could be made, but they can. And while I was with him, they were. I felt differently about him than I ever have about anyone. When I was with him, I was a different person…a better person. I’m not saying that I changed completely…I barely changed at all, but it was little things. Little ways that I opened up to him, little things that I shared with him, things that I wanted to do for him because I loved him. I’ve never been that way with anyone before and I won’t be that way with anyone again.

If me and Kenn never end up back together… and I can’t bear the thought of that because it’s the only tiny happy thought that gets me through the days…then I won’t be with anyone. It’s not that I’m being silly or stubborn, although it may seem that way to many people, but it stems from two reasons. One, as I have said before I don’t want to settle, I want to be with Kenn. Two, I will not allow myself to go through this pain again, ever. Nothing is worth this. No amount of happy time, no great love is worth the heart wrenching pain and depression that I have been experiencing for the last month. I didn’t want to get involved in this to start with. I warned him about that…that someone always gets hurt. It’s not worth it. But he said it was. And I believed him. Maybe I deserve the pain. Maybe I deserve the lesson. It’s definitely one that once learned should never be forgotten. Maybe I am a terrible person and I don’t deserve to be loved. And it’s not just that I can’t be loved, I have to find someone and fall in love and then have my heart ripped out and trampled on…just to really rub it in.

Whatever I did, I would make it better, I would make it right. I’m so, so sorry for all the wrongs I have committed, but no one deserves pain like this. No one deserves to sit and cry for days and days on end. No one deserves to have a happy relationship change with the snap of fingers. To be in love and be happy and then to one day wake up and have all of it gone…and for no apparent or obvious reason. It isn’t fair….it’s just not fair.

Right from the Beginning?

2004-08-20T02:21:00.000-07:00

How unlikely is it that a life lesson would be disproven in only a couple months time? Maybe I was right from the beginning. Maybe it is all lies and games...and maybe he's the best player of them all...

The One Thing

2004-08-20T01:25:00.000-07:00

The one thing that he said to me that keeps popping into my head and seriously bothering me is that music is the biggest part of his life and it always will be. He never commented directly that it wasn’t a part of my life and maybe I took it completely the wrong way, but it seemed implied that perhaps because of that I didn’t understand him.

I know that I don’t have to defend or prove myself to anyone, but the comment did not settle with me and I need to get my frustrations out somewhere. When I mentioned it to a friend the other day their reaction was that maybe he didn’t know me as well as I thought he did. Anyone who doesn’t see music as a huge part of my life doesn’t know me. Music is a huge part of who I am; it always has been and it always will be.

My mom says that when I was a baby I would have crying fits and the only way to get me to be quiet and stop crying was to sit me between the tow speakers in my parent’s den and put on classical music. She says that I would be quiet almost instantly and that was the only thing that would work. I think that we always know things as babies and young children, but as we grow up we forget those things and at some point have to relearn them. For me, music never faded completely out of my life. I was always taking piano lessons and dance lessons from the time I was very small. But it wasn’t until I became involved in my junior high/senior high marching band when I was 13 that I rediscovered my true PASSION for music.

This is the first year in twelve years that I have not been directly involved in participating in or teaching with a marching band program. I miss it so incredibly much. I’m glad that I am taking this year off…teaching had become stressful and I needed the time to recharge my emotional and creative batteries, but come winter time, I know that I will actively begin searching for a program to be involved with. My life is empty without it. There are so many pieces that I miss…all the summer rehearsals, learning new drill, band tans, weeks of band camp, basics blocks and learning to play scales. Then there’s football season…marching the first game, new stand tunes, bus rides, out of town games, adding new halftime songs and routines until the entire show is in. And the most important…contest season…going to the first contest of the season and dreading hearing “2” behind your section, a potential shot at Best in Class as the season passes and your squad improves. Music is a huge part of who I am. I would not be the same person without it. I may play piano, mallets and a bit of clarinet, but my choreography is the things that brings me closest to music. To listen to a piece and actually feel it in my heart and in my head and to compose a motion to it that makes people see what they are hearing. There is something magical and amazing about that. I used to describe color guard that way to my students by telling them that they were going to perform a visual representation of what they were hearing. When the choreography is good it interprets and expands on the music. You shouldn’t have to think about the movements, they should come naturally, they should be your expressions to the sounds. The best choreography comes naturally when you allow your body to flow without the thought from your mind, without stressing over how it will look. It happens when you feel the music.

I miss it so much….I really, really do.

On Music

2004-08-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

Aldous Huxley

On Books

2004-08-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

A house without books is like a room without windows.

Horace Mann

2004-08-20T00:06:00.000-07:00

From Counting Crows’ Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby

On My Life in General…

Well I woke up in mid-afternoon
‘Cause that’s when it all hurts the most
I dream I never know anyone at the party
And I’m always the host
If dreams are like movies
Then memories are films about ghosts
You can never escape you can only move south down the coast

And On Johnny…

Well I know I don’t know you
And you’re probably not what you seem
Ahh, but I’d sure like to find out
So why don’t you climb down off that movie screen

About Kenn

2004-08-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

From Vertical Horizon’s Give You Back

I need to know that you were real
‘Cause I’ve been known to get it wrong
When the memory comes
I’ll say I’m always in the dark
You got me now.

I need to know if you were real
I’d hate to think that I’d been fooled again
And as the vision fades
I’ll say I was blinded by your eyes

Heart Break

2004-08-19T02:30:00.000-07:00

I thought of you last night as I tried to fall asleep. Lying there, in the dark, quiet thoughts faded to soft dreams. I miss you so much still that I fear my heart may never heal from the pain that you have caused it. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life before. I love you so much and yet you say you have no love for me.

Perhaps if our breakup had made more sense I would not be struggling with this as I am. The more I read over the things you wrote me, the more I think about the things you said to me, the things we did together, the moments and memories we shared, I feel more and more at a loss of understanding for the whole picture. I love you, I always will. And at one point you loved me, very much. What happened to that? And is there any chance that I can ever gain that love again? That I could be given another chance? That we could be given another chance? I simply don’t understand what happened between us.

I feel that without you, a part of me is missing as well. There is a void, a gap in my life without you. I will never be whole again without you.

Been a While, Has it?

2004-08-17T01:26:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I know…but dammit…sometimes it’s hard to remember to write in this darned thing. As a result, I have lots to share today though :o) Where to start…where to start…hmmm…

Today was my day off at the Planet. I was going to sleep late, or tan, or do something productive on my long list of errands that I was supposed to run, but the phone rang around noon. It was the guy from Barnes & Nobles (yes, I know the “Noble” part doesn’t have an “S”, but I’ve always thought it sounded so much more fun that way) calling to offer me a job. So, I’m now an official “bookseller” for B & N. I went in and filled out all my paperwork. I’m supposed to be working about 25 hours a week. That should work out well with my job at Planet. I just hope Michele remembers to give me my correct schedule for the next week. Anyway, we get 30% off on books and magazines… “oh happy day, oh happy day” (sounds in a sing-song voice) but here’s the best part. Since they want us to be knowledgeable about our merchandise, we can borrow hard cover books for free. We simply have to slip the jackets off and put our name and the book name on the little list. We have to return them in “sellable” condition in 2 weeks. How awesome is that? It’s like a library, but with new books! And without ever having to actually go to the library. I’m such a dork :o) but I just love books. This job is going to be GREAT!!!

Speaking of bookstores…Has anyone else seen the new issue of Entertainment Weekly? I went to Books-a-Million today…yes, I know that constitutes as being a traitor these days, but it’s no worse than having dinner at the Hard Rock Café the other night I suppose. I had to go pay my last dues, you know, it’s been a faithful bookstore to me over the last several years. Anyway, I went and had a snack in the café and performed my usual inspection of the trashy weekly magazines (People, Star, US Weekly, etc) for beautiful Johnny pics lurking among the trash ;o) Entertainment Weekly has a review on the movies scheduled to come out this fall and our gorgeous Mr. Depp graces the cover. It’s a nice shot, although I personally prefer him with longer hair and the scruffy facial hair look. I’m not complaining however, any picture of Johnny is a good one to me. Especially when it’s an entire glossy cover shot. There appear to be some good movies coming out this fall. I’m rather excited, as it were. Good Stuff. Hopefully Finding Neverland will get Johnny another Oscar nod and a potential little golden man this time.

Speaking of dear Johnny Depp (isn’t this all leading into itself rather well tonight), I met an interesting Disney Security man the other day. He’s always made a point of speaking to me and seeing how things were going, real nice guy (although I think he’s attempting to hit on me). He’s way too old for me though and I’m definitely not interested in anything other than a friendly coworker chat. Yesterday we were chatting and he asked me if J-- had ever called me. I told him that he hadn’t and he said the guy was missing out. Normal chit chat. He asked me if I had another guy I was interested in and I’ve told him the Kenn story many times. I said that if I couldn’t have Kenn I was going to hold out for Johnny Depp. Well, he starts telling me that he worked security detail for Johnny and his pirate co-stars during the filming of the movie. He said that Johnny was a real nice guy and that he still kept in touch with him. He said that he was probably his favorite celebrity that he’d ever had to work for. Anyway, he said that they are filming some of PotC2 at the MGM sound stages and that he would probably be working with him again. He told me that if he did, he would definitely introduce me to him. Now how cool is that? I don’t entirely believe him just yet. I think he could be exaggerating a bit, but we’ll see. I’m not getting my hopes up too high just yet.

Hmmm…what else? I killed a spider tonight…all by myself. Rather proud of that little accomplishment. It was huge, almost an inch around and it had fangs…long ones…dripping blood. Ok, well, I couldn’t actually see them, but I’m sure they were there, and if they had been dripping anything, it would have been blood. So I’m feeling more creative these days, that’s not a bad thing, is it?

I finished The Library Policeman…thank goodness. I bought a new book while I was at BAM today. One by Bentley Little…he’s no master like the Pike, but he’s much better than King, at least in my book. I’m already about 150 pages into it. It’s pretty good. No more Stephen King for this horror lover. I can’t deal with library policemen and red licorice…just not scary to me…but oh well. I’ve been spoiled by Christopher Pike’s great writing for too many years now. Any man who can truly make me terrified of vampire aliens on Mars has real talent.

What’s on the agenda for tomorrow? More work at The Planet I suppose and perhaps a little movie watching tomorrow evening. Nothing too exciting, but then I won’t be sitting around the house mourning either and that’s always a good thing. I’m feeling more positive these days. I don’t understand Kenn…perhaps I never will. But I still feel that we are supposed to be together. It doesn’t matter if it’s days or months or years. I’ll wait for him. I’ve never had a love like his and I don’t want to be with anyone but him. If I sit down and read the things he wrote me months ago and then I look at the way he is now, it’s not the same person. I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope at some point the old Kenn comes back and remembers what he left behind. Today, I’m hopeful…tomorrow, I probably won’t be once again. But for now, it’s that hope that’s keeping me alive. I liked who I was when I was with him. I liked the way he inspired me, the way he challenged me and I only hope that while we are apart I can keep growing as that person that he helped me start to become.

2004-08-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Frightening, isn't it? To think that Hilary Duff actually has things worth quoting...none-the-less, for some reason this part always stands out to me...well, lately at least.

Let’s go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

Hurricane Damage

2004-08-15T01:14:00.000-07:00

Apparently I greatly underestimated the effects of Hurricane Charley. As I drove to work today I was shocked by the incredible amount of damage that lay only two blocks down the street from my apartment. Huge trees were pulled up by their roots and were lying in the middle of the road. Interstate signs were broken and twisted. Most Orlando residents have lost power for what is supposed to last around 5 days. The theme parks sustained minor damage, with Universal Studios receiving the most…odd since it is literally less than five minutes down the road from my house. All the streetlights are out. Amazingly, unlike what could be expected in Alabama, people are treating them as four way stops. Even on 6 lane highways. It’s amazing, everyone stops and traffic actually flows. Incredible. I had to make a left hand turn from a side road onto a highway on my way to work. I thought that I would never get out, but in less than 15 seconds I was making a safe left hand turn because people here know how to drive. It’s impressive, really. There was a whole forest that I passed on my way to work that was completely destroyed. Trees that used to have power lines running through their branches are split literally in half. And about a mile away there is a huge brick fence that has been completely knocked down.

Joe called around 3 in the morning to see if I was alright. I told him that he and my mom were the only people who had called to check on me and he sounded surprised. He said that the news and weather channel were saying that the damage in Orlando was very bad. It actually hurt my feelings that Kenn didn’t call. Perhaps he genuinely doesn’t care. Ouch. I just don’t understand what happened to us even now.

For months he told me how much he cared about me and loved me and then literally overnight he completely changes…or his feelings completely change. I know he said he thought we had problems, or things that would become problems in the future. But I still don’t understand the abrupt change in feelings. And when I emailed him and even when I went up there to talk to him, I was the only one doing the talking. He never attempted to explain anything. I just wish he could try and explain to me what happened. I really don’t understand. I call and he doesn’t call me back. I email and he doesn’t email me back. And yet he says that he wants to be friends. Well, aren’t friends there for each other? Don’t they care what happens to each other? So why is he ignoring me? If he doesn’t want to be friends then he just needs to say that. Stop ignoring the situation and be honest. If he does want to be friends then he needs to be a friend. But the indifference to the entire situation really stings. It really, really hurts.

On a side note…I’m reading another Stephen King story. Why do I do these things to myself? This one is called The Library Policeman and it’s just as stupid as the rest of the crap that he writes. Why would a writer want to try and scare people from going to the library? I’ve always thought of a library as a wonderful place. But then I suppose if people check his books out from the library, he loses out on royalties. Heaven forbid. So he pumps out another not scary story to try and frighten people with the “library policeman”. Interesting. I would put the damn thing down, but out of the last three books I’ve started I haven’t finished a single one so I feel a bit guilty. I guess the things I’m reading these days are just a disappointment. Note to self: Must go to bookstore and buy more GOOD reading. Anyway, I dislike his style of writing as well…makes it difficult to get through. I find myself reading sentences over and over again before I go, “Oh, that’s what he meant to say…well, why the crap did he word it like that?” Whatever. Another note to self: No more Stephen King. I’ve always disliked his work and I always will. His sense of “horror” only makes me laugh. When will my dear Christopher Pike return with another true horror novel? How I miss his brilliant style of writing and his ability to create fear…

Views on the Weather and Life

2004-08-14T02:41:00.000-07:00

Well the weather has passed through and Charley ended up being a pansy. There was maybe an hour's worth of really note-worthy and rather exciting activity, but overall I was not impressed. It rained a little this afternoon, but the action didn't start until around 8 or 9. The wind started howling pretty nicely and the rain came down hard, swirling in different directions. I opened all the blinds and watched most of the storm from right at the window. The lights in the parking lot provided an excellent view of the wind pushing the rain in all directions. Another really cool effect, which I’m thinking might have been attributed to lightening, was the sky lighting up green. It was really pretty, almost a turquoise shade and for several seconds at a time the entire sky would brighten to that color. The prettiest was at one point when the sky lit up green and then went to purple and back to green and then purple again. It did it about five times just over and over. It was really beautiful, almost like Mother Nature's own personal fireworks show. Very cool...if only I'd had a camera I could have videotaped it.

The wind and rain continued for a little over an hour and then it became completely still. I thought that maybe we were in the eye, but the weather map here shows that it is all gone. My first complaint about Orlando - it never rains enough here. But then my mood has been fairly melancholy lately so perhaps it is just me.

I had a really unique experience tonight that I thought I’d share. I was talking to my mother (who had called to check on me) on the phone and while we were talking my dad came home from work. I heard him open the door and I could hear him start talking to her, but here’s where it gets weird. All of a sudden I had this vision of him standing at the back door taking off his boots, just like he used to do every night when he got home and then all of a sudden I could smell him…just like he was right in my den. How strange is that? It was so weird…I’ve never had a feeling like that before…but I could literally smell him. Just the way he used to smell when he would come home from work every night. Interesting, huh? I’ve tried to imagine smelling other things, but I can’t make it work and even if I try to imagine smelling him now it doesn’t work. It was just for that minute in time that I could really smell him. Strange.

I've been having reception problems with my cell tonight, probably interference from the storm. I ended up with two new messages and no missed calls an hour or so ago. I wanted so badly for one of them to be from Kenn. Even if it meant that I had missed his call, I at least would have known that he had thought about me. Why doesn't he call? I know he doesn't like talking on the phone, but he could at least call every now and then couldn't he?

This is killing me. Just one phone call. I just want to hear from him…to talk to him…just to speak as friends...to see how he is doing and what is going on in his life. Does he know how much I think about him? Does he know that I fall asleep thinking about him and wake up with thoughts of him and dream about him in between? Does he ever think about me? I cannot get him off my mind, no matter how hard I try. He comes up in every conversation...in every thought process. I miss him so incredibly much. I think it is safe to say that I have never had a love like this. I've never let anyone in like this. And what do I get in return? A broken heart, the feeling of complete and utter loneliness, and a friend who doesn't even return my calls. Yes, this hurts worse than any emotional pain ever has in the past.

Why can't I just move on? He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to be with me. I think by now that is pretty clear. Why can't I just accept that and go on? Why does it still have that feeling to it that it can't really be happening? What could I possibly have done that was so bad to warrant a punishment such as this? To completely destroy all feelings of love from the only man who has ever mattered this much to me in literally a manner of days? What atrocity did I commit? For whatever it was, I will make it right. This is almost too much for my heart to bear. The burden is too heavy.

There are moments, small slices of time, when I manage to not think of him. J-- at work can provide a rather nice distraction for a small manner of time. But ultimately, that's all it is, isn't it? A distraction...a cover up so that for a few minutes in time I am not so incredibly sad and lost and alone. I have never in my life felt this way about anyone. But I guess that goes hand in hand with my theory that I am destined to be alone in life. It seems fitting, doesn't it? That the one person I would end up feeling I was destined to be with wouldn't want me. How else could I have expected that theory to hold true? To think that I would simply never find that person would have been too easy and too kind. No, life can't just kick you in the ass, it truly has to beat the shit out of you. I should have started listening to my father's advice much earlier on in life..."Life sucks, then you die."

For an optimistic look on things? Well, that's just not me (especially these days), but I'll try. He has promised me his friendship and if that is all he can ever give me in the future then I know that I am still more blessed than most. To know that for a brief moment I touched his life as something more, that for a brief moment I was what he desired, and for a brief moment I made him happy...I count myself lucky. But the happiness that comes with those thoughts is bittersweet.

I would give just about anything to get a second chance with him. Even if it only lasted a brief moment it would be priceless to me.

Inspiring Weather

2004-08-13T15:33:00.000-07:00

Well I’m riding out my first bout of bad weather here in the Sunshine State. It hasn’t been so sunny here lately. This hurricane is supposed to bring some really bad stuff to us, but it all seems kind of exciting to me.

I never really thought about leaving, although I suppose I could have gone home for the day. I guess it’s times like these that it really would be nice to have a TV. I could have been a bit more well prepared…although knowing how often I actually pay attention to weather and news, I doubt it.

Most of the neighbors left earlier this morning. There are still a few people here, I believe. Most of my friends from work are sticking around. It almost tempts me to want to throw a party. The old Elizabeth would never have missed an opportunity for a good party…of course she also had lots of friends who would have encouraged her not to miss the opportunity ;o)

I went out to rent movies an hour or so ago and it actually is starting to look pretty scary out there. Everything is closed. And I mean EVERYTHING. The only places open are gas stations and grocery stores, both of which are packed. The stores that have closed are all taping up their windows and the Methodist church right down the road is putting up boards over their stained glass. The road heading out of town is bumper-to-bumper cars and the road coming in is empty. Hmmm…it all makes me wonder…but Dot is sitting here beside me relaxed and I’m trusting that he knows what’s going on better than me. All the public schools here are closed today. The apartment maintenance people came by earlier and asked us to remove everything from our balconies…not too big of a deal considering that we got letters about that 2 days ago. What is a big deal is calling into work to find out that they closed Walt Disney World down for the rest of the day. The only other day that Disney has been closed in all of history was 9/11. Now the mouse is fairly predictable and he likes to make money no matter the cost. So the fact that he is missing out on an entire evening of money making opportunities…and a Friday evening at that…is significant to me. Perhaps there is going to be something to this little storm.

The sky is completely black one direction…and completely sunny the other. Makes for an interesting contrast. And it brings me to wonder what it must have been like to be on the ocean years ago (before they had radar) to find yourself stuck in a storm. How terrifying must that have been? To look into the sky and see the blackness coming in and know you have nowhere to run or escape to and only a small pirate ship on the vast ocean. Perhaps this will inspire great fanfic writing later on. Hmmm…

Whatever the case, the rain has begun to come down…heavily…and my computer keeps blinking off and on…damn power outages. I suppose being scooped up by 125 mile an hour winds wouldn’t be a bad way to go. It could actually be rather interesting. I wonder how long you live. Do you actually get to see what it’s like to spin around on the inside of the tunnel? Or do you die almost instantly? From shock? Or weird things that happen on the inside of your body? Hmmm…thought provoking.

Anyway, for the moment, it is just hard rain and gusting winds and I find it beautiful.

Productivity

2004-08-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm being more productive these days...if nothing else good is coming of anything. I finally updated my fanfiction. Chapter 17 dead ahead mates...http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1847059/17/

Here Without You - 3 Doors Down

2004-08-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
but tonight girl it’s only you and me

Good Times

2004-08-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

Ahhh...too much to catch up on since I've neglected writing for a couple of days.

I had what I'd like to refer to as a "K-- relapse" the other night. Things have been going well with work, flirting with J--, making new friends and then all of a sudden I'm right back where I started. Don't get me wrong...some things are still going really great. I finally feel like I have found a place I fit in down here. I'm making good friends. I'm going out and doing things. And I finally feel as though I'm beginning to excel at my job. I was brave enough to write my number down and actually hand it to the guy at work that I have a huge crush on. I don't know that he'll ever call and in all honesty I'm not actually sure that I want him to. It was something I had to prove to myself that I could at least do. He's a cutie and the more I hear about him I think we actually could have some things in common. But it all brings me back to those thoughts of where is this going in the grand scheme of things.

I have a few terrible fears that this whole thing with K-- has led me to. First, I don't want to end up settling. Maybe years down the road I will look back and think that this whole thing with K-- was a huge overreaction...but I doubt it. I can't imagine meeting someone that I share so many interests with and have so much in common with that is actually interested in a relationship with me. And should I find someone that is, how will they ever be able to live up to this standard that K-- has set so high. I don't know that I will ever meet someone who will love as strong and as hard as he did. Maybe it's a foolish statement...but I just don't see that happening. I think anyone else for me at this point would just be settling. I will always know what it could be like and I just can't see anyone else being able to live up to those expectations.

Fear Number Two is that I do find someone...or settle for someone since that is definitely more realistic...and at some point K-- really does come back into the picture. I am pretty sure that I will never have feelings for anyone as strongly as I do for him. That leaves me with the option of deeply hurting one of two people...myself or the person that I am with. I would leave someone for K--...I know I would...does that make me a bad person? But if I didn't leave them...because I didn't want to see them hurt...then I only hurt myself. Again...knowing that he is out there and being unable to imagine ever having a love like he gave me.

I guess there is perhaps a Fear Number Three as well. What if K-- comes back and I can't bring myself to be with him because of the fear of his feelings changing again? If he were to want to invest in a relationship again with me...would I be able to let myself fully experience it? Or would I always hold back, scared that he might stop having feelings for me once again?

And so the other night I cried myself to sleep again. I don't think I will ever get over him. As I have said before, if you truly love someone, then that never goes away. And I will always love him. I will always dream of him. I will always think of the things that he told me, the things that he taught me, and wonder what happened between us...wonder what I could have done to make him stay in love with me...to keep him happy with me.
And so what about J--? What do I hope to gain from him? I don't want to hurt anyone...it's not my goal to play the game on anyone else as it has been played on me. I think J-- is cute and I think we could have potential for dating, but I'm not sure that is truly what I'm looking for. I think that perhaps I'm only trying to reassure myself that I can still interest people. That I'm still desirable. But then there are moments when I feel that I am interested in him. That perhaps there could be something there. And then the tears come again. How could anything be there, except for K--? And why does love have to work out this way? All I want is him back...for him to want me back.

Enough philosophizing for the evening...tonight I'm going out with some friends from work to Citywalk. I've never been before so it's something to look forward to. Not to mention it keeps me out of the house and my mind off of K-- for a few hours. I wonder if he thinks of me as often as I think of him.

The whole part time job thing has taken a turn for the worse I believe. I actually worked all the details out with my manager, but now the guy from Barnes & Nobles is being all weird. Hmmm... Well, even if it doesn't work out at least I will have a predictable schedule so I will be able to look for other jobs. That's positive I suppose.

On another note of sadness...school has started...and with that football season and memories of marching band. I think that I have been trying to ignore it, but it's coming on full force with the fall. How I miss it. The smells of freshly cut grass, diesel fuel on the buses, new flags and uniforms. The sounds of football games, of new stand music and half time shows that have yet to be polished or even in tune. This will be the first time in 14 years that I have not been involved with a marching band program and I could honestly cry over all that I know I'm missing. What I wouldn't give to be standing in Cramton Bowl next Friday night, hiking to the top of the bleachers and running out of breath, watching all the mistakes and yelling and fuming that we're never going to be ready for contest. Working my ass and the kids off the next week at practice to make sure that it looks better for the next game. I miss it...so much.

And the sadness and memories begin to set it. Odd how the feelings of marching band and K-- mingle together to provide an unusually nostalgic sense. I feel that two of the greatest things I have ever been a part of are missing in my life. I don't see myself as a whole person without either of them and there is a gaping hole in my heart that they have both left...one of my own choice and the other not so much. To have either of them back at this point would be a great comfort and relief, but I'm just not sure how to get them back and so for the moment I will remain...broken.

A Quote that Reminds Me of Johnny

2004-08-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

"What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the words I have read in my life."

Walt Whitman

Another Peachy Night

2004-08-10T02:48:00.000-07:00

Haha! Got home at 11:30 tonight...things are looking up! I had another good night at work. I got a perfect score on the snapshot Danielle wrote up on me. She said she's never given one of those out before. The comments she wrote were very nice. One of them even said she thought of me as a role model...wow...

I had to work at On Location so I didn't get to see J-- as much as normal :o( It was sad. I did however go up and give him my number tonight. We'll see if he calls. Bold move on my part but I'll probably get shot down. Oh well...it's all just an attempt to cure my K-- pain anyway.

Had my interview with Barnes and Noble. I think that might actually work out :o) I would love to work at a bookstore! The guy was really nice and sounded optimistic about the job.

Anyway...long day...little sleep...tomorrow is a day off :o)

Good Night at Work

2004-08-09T03:43:00.000-07:00

Well I suppose I will take advantage of this little opportunity and keep writing in this as a journal although at times it will be much better written and more philosophical than others…

Tonight was a really good night at work for me. I actually won the contest we were having. I had $1500 in sales, a $38.50 ADS and a 2.3 UPT. I got some really good sales at the end of the night and that boosted me up a lot. Anyway, I won a $25 gift certificate to Planet Hollywood…not sure exactly what I’ll do with that, but at least I get the recognition for winning.

More flirting with J--…hmmm…not sure this will actually really go anywhere…but it’s working some small wonders to help me forget about K-- at the moment. Who am I kidding? I can’t forget K-- and as soon as I remember that it makes me cry again. I wonder if he took everything he said to me as seriously as I did. I think that was why I was trying to always ask for confirmation on things…because I knew how seriously the things he was saying meant to me. I wonder if he meant for me to take them that way or not. I hate love. Why does it have to hurt so damn bad? Grrr… Maybe I was right from the beginning and it really is all just a game. Maybe there is no love that lasts forever between two people. Who knows? Getting way too analytical for 3:40 in the morning.

I have my job interview at Barnes and Noble tomorrow morning at 11:30…ugh…so early. I hope it goes well. Just another sign that the Lord really is looking out for me. Friday I was telling my friend Nick that I wanted to get a part time job at a bookstore somewhere because I needed more money than I’m getting at just the Planet. Then Saturday I get a call from B & N about the application I put in a month ago. I just hope that PH will work my schedule out if the interview goes well. I’m going to need more money and how cool would it be to work at a bookstore?! I would love the discount!

Alright…the bed is calling…loudly. More tomorrow….

Good Friends

2004-08-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

As I was driving back home from Birmingham the other day I did realize one very positive discovery that this whole little ordeal has led me to…I have an excellent support system…a group of friends who are there for me no matter what. It is easy to find friends to go out and have a good time with…to party and drink and enjoy each other’s company. It is not so easy to find friends who are going to stick around and help you pick up the pieces when something goes wrong this badly.

I know that most of you will never read this, but you are in my thoughts, none-the-less…I love you guys and thanks for being there.

Mark & Melissa…Even though we only met a little less than a year ago and we are now 2000 miles apart, I feel as if I have known you forever. You were close friends in Montgomery and you remain close friends now. Thank you for always listening and advising. It means a lot that you have been there for me.

Scott…You have been there for me from the first day we met. You truly are like a brother to me and you know I will always have mad love for you.

Nick…I am so lucky to have moved to Orlando and met a good friend like you. Thank you for listening and being a true friend. As I have told you before, if you ever need anything, you know I’m there.

Alex…How could I be so blessed to have made two great friends already? Thank you for being there.

Joe…I know you have ulterior motives, but your friendship means a lot, none-the-less. I must admit that when we broke up I doubted that you would always be there as you said you would, but you have stayed true to your word. Thank you.

Carolyn…You’ve been there for me for practically my whole life! I love you and appreciate your prayers that you have always been so faithful to give.

Back to the Game

2004-08-07T03:39:00.000-07:00

There are moments when I feel like I’m going to be ok…that this too shall pass and life will go on. And then there are those moments when I feel that my world is surely going to end and I will never be the same person again.

How many times do I need to learn this lesson? That love sucks! I have known this in the past…I have learned this before. It feels great for a little while and then it completely fucks you over in the long run. And why am I always the one who gets hurt? Whether I break up with someone or get broken up with…I always end up hurt. Does the other person hurt just as badly? Why does it always feel that they are just moving on with their life and I am the one left picking up pieces of myself?

And so I move on…back to the game. I may completely suck at love…but I know how to play the game. And I am fairly good at the game. It’s only when I let feelings get involved that I manage to fuck things up.

No more falling in love…no, I’m fairly sure there’ll be no more of that for me. I’ve said that before and then I got weak and started believing someone. I thought that it would be different…I thought that it would last a long time…but it never is, is it, and it never does. And I knew that going in and I let myself be convinced that wouldn’t be the case. Lesson learned…again. I won’t put myself in that position again.

I have said that I was destined to be alone in the long run and I think I believe that more firmly than ever now. What are the odds that I would find the one person who would make me think that I could share my life with them? And then they reject me. So how much greater are the odds that there would be someone else out there like that? Very slim, I tell you, very slim. And so it’s just me and Dot…I hope he hangs in there for a long time because there are times when he is most definitely the only reason I come home at night and get up in the mornings.
Now to make sure I remember the lesson. I’ve put it in writing this time around and I’m getting my ring sized this week. I’ve even thought about a tattoo to mark the occasion, but I’m not sure I want to do something quite that permanent. We shall see…

Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) - Vertical Horizon

2004-08-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever hadThe best I ever

What it Takes - Aerosmith

2004-08-06T22:33:00.000-07:00

There goes my old girlfriend
well there's another diamond ring
and all those late night promises
I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby what's the story?
Did you find another man?
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made
when you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away

I used to feel your fire
but now it's cold inside
and you're back on the street
like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
without thinking you lost everything that was good
in your life to the toss of the dice
Tell me what it takes to let you go

Girl before I met you
I was F.I.N.E. fine
but your love made me a prisoner
Yeah my heart's been doin' time
Spent me up like money
Well then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
'cause you had me deep with the devil in your eyes

Tell me that you're happy that you're on your own
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me
Tell me who's to blame for thinking twice (no no no no)
'cause i don't wanna burn in paradise(let it go let it go ... )

2004-08-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

"Even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you meant to me."

The Trip to Birmingham

2004-08-06T03:20:00.000-07:00

1200 Miles…$100 worth of gas…and $6 in tolls…All to come to the same damn conclusion in the end.

My life still feels as if it is coming to an end.

How odd it felt to sleep in his bed with him last night and still have the eerie dreams. The feeling of waking up and thinking I was in Birmingham and actually being there. Fading in and out of sleep to see him lying there beside me and knowing how badly I want to hold him, but not being able to. Wanting to touch his arm, to run my fingers through his hair, to snuggle up against him, to have him hold me. I wish that for only a moment I could have pretended that things weren’t the way they were…to pretend that he loved me still and desired me as much as I still do him. But that is not the way things are…

Where do I go from here? And how do I even begin to attempt to pick up the pieces that lay shattered around me? I thought that I had met someone who thought I was special. I thought that I had finally met someone that I meant something to…that I meant as much to them as they meant to me. Someone who saw something different in me…someone who loved that something different in me.

I just really thought that if he could be with me and see how good things were again, he would change his mind.

Is it possible that I was right from the beginning? That love doesn’t really exist? At least not in a form where two people can truly love one another forever.

Why I have to go

2004-08-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

Why do I have to go up there? Why can’t I just move on?

I have to try and fix things between us. It would be so much easier if he would just talk to me. Just let me know what he needs. But he won’t. I honestly don’t know what he needs, but I need to show him how I feel.

From the beginning he has been the strong one, the one to always make sure I knew how he felt. He has called himself the hopeless romantic…a true believer in love. Does he need to know that I feel the same about him? Does he need reassurance that my feelings are just as strong? From the first day, I’ve told him how scared I was of love…how cynical I was toward relationships…did he finally start to believe me?

I want him to know how much he means to me. I want him to know that he changed my beliefs on love. That he made me believe that it does exist…that it’s worth fighting for…that it’s worth feeling…that it’s not a negative thing…and that it doesn’t always have to be a game. I want him to know what he means to me. I want him to know that I’m willing to stick by him in the long run. That I’m willing to work through things and fix things. That I don’t want to meet anybody else and I don’t want to be with anybody else, I just want to be with him. He brought out so many positive things in me and I like who I am when I am around him. He taught me a lot about myself and brought out good things in me. So many things in my life were beginning to look up and be brighter and I know that was true for him as well. We inspired each other…in many ways…to be better people, to focus on what we loved, to make things better around us. You don’t find that with many people…someone who builds you up and your life up instead of dragging you down. I want to be by his side and have him by my side, helping each other through life…being there to support each other through our ups and downs.

I want him to remember how he felt about me. I don’t know where those feelings are hiding, but I know they have to be there somewhere. They can’t just disappear like that. So many things remind me of things he said, things he wrote. I was someone special to him. I know I was. Conversations he told me that he had had with his friends or with his family…things he told me when we were alone together. I know he loved me, I know he still does. Now it is my turn to show him that whatever problems he things are there are worth working through. That our love is strong enough to make it worthwhile. I feel like perhaps this is a time when he needs my support. When he needs to know that I’m there for him and that he doesn’t have to be the only strong one in the relationship…that he’s not the only one who believes in the power of love anymore.

I want him to know that whatever problems we have I am going to be willing to work through them. That we can resolve our differences. That I’m not going to let my parents come between us or let my relationship with my parents affect my relationship with him.

I need to tell him how empty I feel without him. That things aren’t right without him in my life. That I can’t stop dreaming about him or waking up and feeling that I am with him.

If he is dead set against us not being together then I don’t want to ruin our potential friendship together. He has been a good friend in the past and if that truly is all he can offer me then I will have to be able to accept that.

But I need to tell him that I love him…And that I’m not scared to be in love with him anymore. He deserves to hear that much in person.

Better than Depp

2004-08-02T03:35:00.000-07:00

Why does this have to be ok in the end? And why do I have to know this will work out in the long run? Because without him, I am missing a part of me. We fit together. Before I met him I didn't even know a part of me was missing, but now that he is gone, that hole is empty and I feel that it is empty with an incredible pain.

He taught me so many things in such a short period of time. Does he know how he touched my life? Does he know the creativeness he inspired in me? Does he know that he is the only person who has made me believe in love? The only person who has made me believe that love is worth feeling? Even now, even as I feel so hurt, I know that his love was worth it. I've never been able to say that about anyone else in my life...never believed it was true about anyone else in my life.

I don't want that to be over. He said this to me once and now I am going to say it about him...I want to learn with him and grow with him. We have so much to offer one another. So much to give.

Does he know how completely brilliant I think he is? Does he know that I think he's possibly one of the most talented, creative, and gifted people that I've ever met? His mind completely amazes me. He's truly a creative genius, a mastermind. And how fortunate I am to have met him...to have him share his love with me.

And although I know how trivial and silly this may sound...does he know that he has beaten out Johnny Depp? If I were to be given the option right now to spend one day with either him or Johnny I would choose him. It may not seem significant on the surface, but it is. I can't believe I'm putting this in writing, but I am. No man...and I mean no man...has ever been able to win my thoughts over Johnny. And yet he has.

He follows his dreams. Does he know how much I admire and respect that? Does he know how good it felt, how comforting, to have someone who understood me for once? Who understood what I wanted from life? A kindred soul…a dreamer…like myself.

Does he know how much I miss him? I miss so many things little and big. I miss watching him fall asleep at night. I miss the way that after he played a show and went to bed the way that his fingers would start to twitch as if he was still playing. I miss waking up next to him and only wanting to snuggle closer. I miss those kisses…the way my heart felt as if it was going to go through the ceiling every time our lips met. I miss hearing his voice. Hugging him. Sitting in his lap. Cuddling with him. Watching him get completely lost in his music as he plays with his band. Being able to ask his advice. Watching him put on his robe in the mornings and stumble around his room until he got that first cigarette and sip of caffeine. So many, many things. And these would all be things I would miss no matter what…but knowing that I may never get the opportunity to share those moments again kills me.

Day 7

2004-08-01T14:46:00.000-07:00

Did I do something to hurt you while you were here? What did I do that was so incredibly bad that it made you decide that it wasn't worth working things out? What did I do to make you think that you have fallen out of love with me? The man that I loved the most in my past did some really terrible things to me...I lost my job because of him and he cheated on me (just to name 2), but it didn't make me love him any less. It may have made me see that we weren't supposed to be together and it may have made me wish I didn't feel that way, but it didn't make those feelings go away.

Whatever wrong I committed, I will make it right. Whatever I need to do to fix things, I will. It was a terrible week last week. I had a ton of stress on me with work. All the training and the tests...if I am going to be able to support myself with this job, then I need to get a promotion or at least a raise as soon as possible. I had to work the first 5 days he was here and I was worried that he was going to think I was putting him off or that he was going to feel like he wasted a week by coming down and never getting to see me. He was dealing with the effects of medication and withdrawal from nicotine as well as stresses from work and home. It was not an accurate portrayal of us as a couple. We know that from the time we've spent together in the past.

I know the religion thing was a huge issue to him. I wish that I could take back that argument. I'm so incredibly sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Whatever I need to do to make that up to him, I will. I'm not going to change my beliefs or deny my faith, but I'm not going to make it an issue in our relationship. I'm not going to push them on him or ask him to see things my way. I may believe that my religion is right and others are wrong, but unlike most people I know, I see that people of other religions believe just as strongly that they are right and I am wrong. And to them, their opinions are just as valid and just as correct as mine are to me. For the record, this is where I end up in a most heated debate with other Christians. It's why I believe our country can't be run based on Christianity. You can't dictate a religion and decide what is best for everyone. People have to be able to make those decisions for themselves. Their faith is just as strong mine, we just believe different things and it isn't right to tell them what they must believe in.

As for politics...My Republican friends tell me I'm a liberal. My Democratic friends tell me I'm a conservative. I guess that in reality I fall somewhere in the middle. But I'm not going to argue with anyone over politics. So I believe in capital punishment and he doesn't? When is it necessary to really get into a heated discussion over a topic like that? I also think that they should let George Jung out of jail. I almost wrote the man a letter myself (were it not for my fears of the government conspiring against us all). The man has served his debt to society, now let him repay his debt to his family. We have discussed politics before and discovered that many of our views on it were the same...about the war, about Bush, about making abortion illegal and taking prayer out of schools. The last time I went to vote, I even ended up voting Libertarian. I don't think that our political views are all that different.

The parental issue was obviously a problem as well. It's such a screwed up relationship that I wish he wouldn't try to analyze, much less attempt to compare our relationship with. What matters is that no matter how much my parents disapprove and no matter what they say, I'm not going to deny him. They know even now how much I love him and how wrong I feel it is that we aren't together at the moment. And they can disagree with me all they want...it doesn't matter...he is worth disagreeing over. I know he was disappointed that they shut him out so fast, I know that bothered him. But it doesn't change anything for me. It doesn't make me feel any different towards him and it will never make me love him any less.

Day 6...nightfall

2004-08-01T04:16:00.000-07:00

This can't be happening. I feel like any moment now I'm going to wake up and the nightmare is going to be over. Or I'm going to check the mail or get a phone call saying, "April Fools!"...even though it's August. It really does feel completely unreal to me.

I don't believe that he has no feelings for me. And it's not that I don't want to believe that’s the way things are. It's that I actually don't believe that's the way things are.

I'm a very pessimistic person and it's normal for me to believe that things are going shitty in my life. It would be perfectly normal for me to believe that things were going this way...and yet, I don't. It would be typical for me to say that he never meant anything he said to start with...and yet, I can't say that.

When things ended with D-- (and I use him as an example because he is the one person in my past that I know I loved like this) I may not have wanted it to be over, but I knew that it was and that it needed to be. I didn't have a problem acknowledging that things were the way they were. I told him at the time and I still tell him today (in a more joking manner, but still meaning it very seriously) that I got played. He can tell me that's not the way it was...that he cared about me...but that's not true. I got played. He knew what he was doing and he played the game and he won. It’s as simple as that. And I may have been in love with him, and those feelings may still be a part of me today...it's the reason that I know I have to stay away from the opportunity to really be around him. But at the same time, I know I got played....and I always knew that. As badly as it hurt and as badly as I didn't want it to be true, I knew it was.

With K-- it's different. It's not that I don't want to believe it, it's that I don't believe it. The more I think about all the things we talked about, the harder it gets to believe. We had talked about moving in together, about having our cell phone bills put together, about how we felt about combining our bank accounts if we got married (which we both agreed was a bad idea to), about plans for major holidays, about how to celebrate Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve. You don't just talk about that kind of stuff if you're planning a casual relationship. You don't talk about that kind of stuff unless you're really serious about someone.

So I go back to the problems and issues that aren't really problems or issues just yet and I wonder once again if he is subconsciously scared that this is going to work out like one of his past marriages. I know that he and his last ex had some problems with religion and I know that that is something we would need to work out because it is a problem for him. I also know she kept things from her parents about him and I can't help but to wonder if he thinks that I will do the same. I know he knows my parents don't approve and yet it doesn't matter. I have been very careful to be straight with them about him from the beginning. I've told my mom that I know she doesn't like him, but I really do and that's all that matters. And I've been honest and upfront with her that we were together and that we were a couple and that he wasn't going anywhere. He means enough to me that I'm not going to deny our relationship.

Another thing I have always experienced in my past breakups…no matter who broke up with who…is that I have been able to look at things and be glad that I wouldn’t have to go through certain things anymore. I have been able to look at situations and be thankful that certain things were over. Again, with him, it’s different. Everything reminds me of him…my watch, my Jiminy pin, pictures on my walls, CDs, posters, songs…everything brings him to my mind. But it’s also thinking about things that I may never get to share with him again that make me start to tear up. I can’t live like this. And it’s small things too. What I wouldn’t give to be able to see him play with his band. To sit on his couch with his head on my lap watching a movie. To run my fingers through his hair. To watch him sit as his computer as he works on something…not even noticing that I’m paying attention. To see him argue and joke with his roommate. To see him play with his cats. How cheesy is that? I can’t imagine not getting to share those things with him again.
I miss him so much and I know we can work through this. I know we can…if he will just let us. I’m in this for the long run…whatever he needs from me…whatever he needs from us…I am there for him. And he mentioned that he thought one of both of us would have to change in the future for us to be together and I don’t believe that’s the case either. We both know that changing who you are doesn’t fix things. I don’t want him to change. I love him just the way he is. I don’t think I ever told him…or if I did, I didn’t tell him enough…how wonderful I think he really is. How amazingly brilliant his mind is. What a caring person he is. I’m sure there will be more on this tomorrow…but the hour is drawing late and for some odd reason, I always really struggle to tell people what I think of them… when it’s good at least. But I don’t think vast changes are required for us to be together. We may need to accept each other and understand each other, but we already knew a lot about each other before we started dating. That was what was so great about being friends first. We knew who the other person was and we knew what we were getting into. We knew we were compatible. Please just don’t let that one bad week destroy us…please, please, please. Let us get through it. I know if we do it will be worth it on the other side.

An email from Scott

2004-08-01T00:06:00.000-07:00

Hey sweety,

I hope you are doing better now than last time we spoke. I'm sorry that you are so down, I wish I was there to give you a shoulder to lean on. Like I have always told you, Elizabeth, you are a beautiful, intelligent, and very kind person. You will meet someone, one day, that will realize how great you are and will refuse to let you go. Until that day, don't let yourself get down about the ones who don't make the final cut. I realize that you thought this was the one, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be. You will recover, and you will find THE one. I hope you are better, write back when you get the chance.

Love Always,
Scott

2004-08-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

“When I met you, I was scared to hug you.
When I hugged you I was scared to kiss you.
When I kissed you I was scared to love you.
And now that I love you, I’m afraid to lose you.”
Unknown

Day 6

2004-07-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel that my heart is breaking all over again every morning when I wake up? Why are the dreams and images that I am waking up with him in his bed in Birmingham so vivid that it is a complete surprise to find myself in my own room?

Why is he doing this to us? To me? To himself?

Everything that he’s given me and everything that he has said is a constant reminder of him. Small gifts and mementos lie scattered around my house and it seems that at every turn I encounter something that is his. At one point his house was scattered with reminders of me. Has he gotten rid of those already? He had so many pictures of me pasted around his room and in his office. Does he still look at me? Or was I easy to pack in a box or throw away and forget about?

I refuse to believe that he wasn’t being sincere with his feelings in the beginning. There was too much there between us for it all to have been lies. And I can’t believe that he feels nothing for me now.

I am going to have to go there. Probably on my day off this week. I can’t live this way. I can’t live knowing that the one person I have felt I was supposed to be with in my life and I are having problems. This can’t be resolved over the computer and it shouldn’t even be resolved over the phone. I have to talk to him in person. We have to work this out.

How do I make him see that it’s not right if we’re not together? Or maybe I don’t even need to make him see that…maybe he knows that himself. Is that the reason for the avoidance? I can’t deal with this…it’s driving me crazy.

I’ve never in my life felt so strongly that I was meant to be with someone. I’ve never in my life thought I have found that man who would be a perfect future mate for me. I didn’t even think that person existed. Now, I’ve found him and we’re going through this.

I don’t get like this about guys or boyfriends. I may cry a tear or two…I usually don’t cry at all though. But this is a real deep soul kind of hurt. There have been other guys that I really liked…guys that I wanted to work things out with…but I have been able to look at the situation and know that it was for the better if we weren’t together. I can’t do this with this situation. It’s not better if we’re not together. It’s wrong. It feels completely wrong.

Day 5

2004-07-31T03:04:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel nauseous all the time these days? I eat and then I throw up...nothing stays down. Just thinking about this entire situation makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm staying at home again, once again ignoring the desire that only gets stronger with each passing day to drive up there to see him. I don't know that I am making the right decision by staying here and yet I don't know that I would be making the right decision by going home either. I really thought that this desire to drive back to Alabama in an attempt to fix things would go away, but it hasn't. Does that mean that it is the right thing to do?

Everyone tells me to give him time. Is that what he needs? I can give him whatever he needs as long as I know that he is coming back to me at some point. But I can't live without him. I can't see myself not being with him.

If I go up there then it seems like what's right in my heart. I show him that I really care. I show him that I'm willing to put it all on the line because I love him. Would that make him happy? Would that make him realize that we should be together? Could he look me in the eye and tell me that he felt nothing for me?

But what if I go up there and he simply needs space and time to figure out that we are meant for each other? Then by going up there I only push him into pushing me even further away.

I don't know what to do. One minute I'm headed out the door to meet him and the next I've decided to wait for him to come around. I just want things to work out between us.

Everything reminds me of him. Everything makes me think of things he told me or ways he made me feel. I wake up thinking he's right there beside me and can only cry when I realize he's not.

I just can't believe that he doesn't feel anything for me. If you truly love someone then you can't just make those feelings disappear. And isn't that the point? You can't change how you feel and love doesn't just disappear...even if you want it to.

Did I just hit on something there?

I don't believe that for three months he wrote me things and told me things that he didn't mean. He said himself that he meant them. And I've said all along that I didn't believe that he could really not feel anything for me all of a sudden.

So what is it? Is he scared of his feelings? Is he scared of my feelings? I'm not going anywhere. As I said earlier I'm in this for the long run. Whatever he needs from me I'm there for him. I will prove to him that I love him and I will convince him over time to believe in all those things he taught me to believe in in the beginning.

And so the age-old question comes back up...Do I go up there and prove my love to him? Perhaps that's not the best solution at this point. Perhaps he needs time to be more open to that.

These problems that he sees...there's only one that I can see might need to be dealt with. Everything else is only potential problems...things that may never happen. And as long as those feelings are still in place, then can't we find a way to work things out? Doesn't it become worth working it all out for?

That awkward week we shared...if we can just get through that...then things can be worked out. I wish I could erase that week, but I can't. And maybe it's better that I can't...maybe we needed that awkward week to prove that we can make it in the long run. Maybe that awkward week will end up being a good thing in the end.

Now if I can only figure out what to do from here. Is time what's best? Letting him discover that he does miss me? That he does need me? A part of me still feels that I need to go up there though. That that's why he's putting me off...to keep building the wall. And yet every piece of advice I have gotten has told me to sit tight...to wait for him to come back to me. But what if this is a test? What if he is backing away to see if I'm sincere?

Why does love have to be so confusing?

But he is worth risking everything for. His love is the world to me and it is worth fighting for and crying over. I wish he would just tell me what he needs. Whatever it is...I am there. I would pack up everything I own to move in with him. Nothing I have down here is as important to me as he is. And it's not that I'm changing for him because I've learned that lesson. You can't make things work out by changing for someone...you'll both only end up regretting it in the long run. It's the fact that ultimately he's worth sacrificing for and making compromises for. Orlando holds no special meaning to me, despite what many people seem to think. It was a means to an end….I knew I couldn't stay in Montgomery anymore. At first I wanted to dance for Disney...when that didn't work, Orlando just seemed like a good place to move. Am I happy here? Sure...but this place holds no attachments over me. I am free to go wherever I wish. I could have just as easily chosen Atlanta or Charleston or Phoenix or Memphis or Dayton. Orlando just happened to be the city I chose. And so if that was what he wanted, I could leave just as easily as I came.

If he needs space I can give him that too. I know his life is full of stress right now and the last thing I want to do is add to that stress. So if he needs to take care of things...work, Sidewalk, etc…then I can wait for him. I can give him time to do all of that and time to be by himself. I'll drop him an email or a phone call several times a week to let him know that I'm here and I care about him, but I will let him have that space that he needs. And whatever days I have off, he will always know that I will be willing to come up and visit if that's what he wants. But only if he wants me to and I won't pressure him to come see me or let me come see him.

I feel like neither of us were our true selves last week. We both seemed weird and slightly off...me from having to work and focus on training and him from the medication and nicotine withdrawals. That's why I wish he wasn't making such a big decision based on that week. We've known each other for a while and we've spent enough time together to know that we're way more compatible than we were last week. He even told me at one point that he thought it was good we had become friends first instead of jumping into dating right off because as a result we got to know each other better and find out that we were compatible and that a relationship was worth investing in.

So why the sudden shift that Friday? Was it the long drive that made him realize how far we really were away from each other? One of the first comments he made to me that week was that I was going to be down there for 2 weeks before I found some really hot guy and decided to leave him. I blew the comment off, but there were several more made in the same vein later on in the week. Is he afraid that I'm going to find someone else? Because that's not going to happen. I don't want anyone but him. I mean I really could see myself marrying this guy. It doesn't matter that he's been divorced twice and it doesn't matter that we have our differences. I could see myself marrying him.

Was it the effect of the external stress placed on the both of us that caused us to react differently to one another? And then once we began acting differently it just snowballed? I know that since he was only going to be here for a week I treated him differently than I would have if we had been living together. It felt like there was so much to cram into that week that we both wanted to get done. I know that I spent all my free time that I wasn't at work with him and that is never something I would do if we had had more time together. I need space and solitude, but I was trying to enjoy the limited amount of time we had together. As a result, I think situations got misinterpreted and he might have seen things being a way in the future that isn't necessarily accurate.

Argh, I'm getting a headache...too many tears and too much pouring my feelings out onto paper. I just want him to see how much I love him and that all the things he told me in the beginning were true. Love is worth the potential of getting hurt over...it is worth risking everything for...even if it doesn't work out.

And yet for some strangely optimistic reason at the moment, I think this will work out. It has to, I can't see myself not being with him and I can't see my life without him in it. It's not an option to me. And I'm not going to give up on him and I'm not going to give up on us...not even if he thinks he wants me to. Because I love him and I can't not believe that somewhere inside he feels the same way...because after all…Real Love is Forever.

Morning Day 5

2004-07-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

The early mornings and late nights are the worst. More dreams…and when I awaken why do I think that he is right there beside me? Why does it hurt so bad to rub my eyes and find that there is no one there? And why does it feel so wrong and so empty?

I can't keep going on like this and yet I don't know how to make it stop. I don't remember a time in my life where a breakup has left me feeling this empty and this alone. And it still feels so incredibly wrong. Why am I having such a hard time accepting this?

I keep thinking that it can't really be over...it's not possible that things have really come to a close. At least not permanently. I can't accept that...I can't believe that...I won't. I don't believe that he feels nothing for me. I think he may want to feel nothing for me, but I can't believe that after everything he told me and everything we shared that he can feel nothing at this point.

And yet how do I make him see that side of things? I can't.

I feel like the only hope I have of getting him back is to leave him alone and give him the chance to figure out what he wants. And in the meantime, the distance that is building is killing me inside. I cannot imagine that I will come out of this the same person as I went in. He has taken a huge part of me. We talked about that at one point. About the way that I put a part of myself into relationships and that if this one didn't work out I thought it could be the end of me. I have nothing more to give...he has taken it all...and yet there is no way for him to give it back.

A part of me is afraid that this will work out and he will want to be with me, but it will have been too long and those emotional doors will be closed again. And once I find a way to close them I'm not sure that they will ever be able to be reopened again.

This is literally killing me. People keep telling me that I'm going to be ok, but I'm really not sure that I am. He knows me well so shouldn't he know that I'm dying inside? Does he really just not care? Does he know that just the shortest phone call could work wonders for my heart? The distance created is killing me.

I really saw this relationship going into the future. I thought I was going to marry this man. Is that foolish of me? I couldn't even see myself marrying the two guys I was engaged to, but I saw it with this man. We had something special...we still have something special. Why is he trying so hard to ignore it? It is so rare and so hard to find that one person that you are meant to be with in life. We found each other and now I feel that he is trying to deny himself of that.

I don't know what to do. I know that where I am right now is unhealthy. I haven't been able to stop crying for five days now. I can't eat. The dreams won't go away. The feelings of loneliness. The feelings that this isn't really happening. And ultimately knowing that this is WRONG! We are supposed to be together, but I don't know how to make him see that. I want to call him, to tell him these things on the phone. I want to drive to Birmingham and look in his eyes and see if he really means the things he says. I want to email these things that I have written to him so he will know how badly I am hurting.

What does he want from me?

Does he want me to prove how much I care for him? Does he want me to give him space so he can focus on other things in his life? Does he want me to disappear? Does he want to know that we can work through our problems?

The thing is, the problems he brought up we could make it through. Some of them haven't even become problems yet and I'm fairly sure that with some good communication they wouldn't become problems. He said that we had nothing in common and I know that's not true. We have tons in common...it's why all our friends thought we would make such a good couple to start with. We have so much in common, that at the beginning I was worried it would be the reason that we wouldn't work out. It makes it seem like he is just making excuses and trying to find reasons that we won't work out.

Something about the whole thing just isn't right. And I feel like if he would just talk to me on the phone or in person, we could work things out. Does he know that? Is that why he won't talk to me? Is that why he keeps having things to do or reasons why he can't talk to me? I just want to snap my fingers and somehow make him see how wrong things are right now. I want to drive up there and see him and show him how much I care and how much he means to me. I simply can't believe that he has no feelings for me. I need to be able to look in his eyes when he says those words.

But I feel like he needs me to stay away. I feel that if there is ever any hope of us getting back together I need to give him some time. And yet I don't know that I can do that. I need to know for myself...I need to see for myself...if the emotion really is gone.

If I went, it would be a huge gamble. If it turned out right, I would win everything. But if it turned out wrong, I could lose every chance I ever have of getting him back. But I don't know if it's possible for me to go on like this...

Day 4

2004-07-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and step out of this nightmare that has become my life any moment now. Seconds turn into minutes into hours into days as I sit alone and depressed, unable to convince myself to do anything but cry. What am I crying over? A relationship that lasted two months? For five years I have kept all my feelings and emotions, anything that might possibly resemble love, locked tightly away in this little box inside my chest. Does this mean that I didn't love Joe who I dated for two and a half years? I don't know...with Joe things progressed at a normal pace. We fell in love and we fell out of love. Things didn't work out but it was expected, we could see our feelings toward one another shifting.

Then I meet a man who at first I don't even notice myself falling for. We go out as friends, but no matter whether we are alone or with others it has this strange feel of a date to it. Perhaps that first time I asked him to stay in Montgomery and have dinner and go to the movies I was subconsciously asking him out and didn't even genuinely realize it. So things progress and as they do I find myself terrified at the feelings that begin to pour out of him to me. I find myself crying in his arms, so afraid that I'm going to be hurt in the end and he reassures me. I tell him that all the hurt and the pain that comes at the end isn't worth those few great moments you share together and he insists that it is. I tell him that it's not possible for him to fall for me as quickly as he is and he comforts me that his feelings are sincere. He leaves my heart pounding after every kiss and my body shaking harder than I remembered was possible after every intimate moment we are together. He sends me beautiful emails and letters expressing his feelings and his love for me and he can't seem to get enough of planning when we will see one another again.

And over time, I begin to see things his way. I begin to believe that he means the things he says to me. I begin to believe that perhaps love isn't all about games, that maybe there is someone out there who is worth giving it my all for and putting my heart out there to be potentially trampled. And for some reason I begin to see a future with this man. He's not necessarily what I ever would have looked for in a future mate and yet he's perfect.

Are there some areas of disagreement? Of course, but that's a part of even the best relationships. After all, who wants a mate that's a carbon copy of them?

And so I begin, knowing full well of the possible ramifications that could occur, to attach myself to this person. I begin to open the box...well, actually I think he finds the key and opens the box himself and feelings and emotions are released that I didn't even know I was still capable of.

I love him.

And a small part of me struggles to remind myself of the weakness that shows. And so I keep the secret to myself, holding back the words that jump to the tip of my tongue at the strangest moments...odd places in conversations on the phone, while we are in the car together, as he runs bathwater for me that is just perfect. "I love you." Three simple words that seem to come so easily to him and yet I cannot force them out. It's not that I don't feel them, for I do, but it's that sense of weakness that I have taught myself goes along with them. For as soon as you tell someone that you give them the power to truly hurt you...to really get inside you and rip you up.

And even though I can't get them out, it's ok with him. He still reassures me and comforts my fears, ever the optimist...ever the hopeless romantic. And eventually he wins me over...the former ice princess... to his way of thinking.

And I fall head over heels in love with him.

I try hard to begin to tell him the things that I've kept inside, but even as I begin I feel a shift in him. I tell him I love him and start to reveal little personal things that I have kept locked away with the bigger one. Such as how much I enjoy hearing him play with his band and that I truly enjoy hanging out with his friends. But I don't get it all out and I'm afraid he will never know some of the things that I had meant to tell him (such as how beautiful his eyes are, or how brilliant I think he really is, or how great it felt to know that he loved me as he did, or even the fact that I loved his arms).

And then almost as quickly as it all began, it all comes to an end. It's as if it started as a happy dream and all came crashing down as a nightmare.

He tells me that although he meant the things he once said, he doesn't feel them anymore. And I wonder what I did to make him stop loving me. A large part of me feels that this can't be happening...not this way...not like this. I wonder if he is afraid of the way he was feeling about me and is trying to put emotional distance between us. He tells me that it's not that and I don't know who I'm talking to as the world crashes down around me. Why won't he talk to me? Why the impersonalness of email and IMs? The lack of complete feeling and effort? Even if he feels nothing for me now...wasn't what he felt for me in the past enough to know that I deserve more than this? And that lack of being personal makes me wonder even more if he can truly feel nothing for me at this point. He has told me that he doesn't appreciate being called a liar and I am by no means implying that. Perhaps he doesn't even realize what he is trying to do. And perhaps the only reason that I do is because I have done it myself so many times. You build that emotional distance in before you even realize what you're doing...it's your mind's way of keeping itself from getting hurt.

Or maybe it is my mind's way of trying to relieve some of it's own pain. I just don't see how it is possible for someone with such strong feelings to all of a sudden have no feelings. It doesn't fit together and it doesn't make sense. I am, however, well aware that one cannot control their feelings. And wouldn't life be easier if we could? I wouldn't be sitting here crying my eyes out for 4 days in a row while people tell me to toughen up. It doesn't matter that it's only been 2 months...I love him...I really love him and I can't just make that go away. Even if he has.

But he says there are other issues. Problems that I wonder if are problems because they really are or problems that I wonder if give him a reason to think the relationship should end. For example, one thing he told me was that being religious and livng in Orlando were two main paths that he did not see for himself and then later on told me that Orlando was not a big problem. So I'm left to wonder if perhaps the issues only exist because he wants issues to exist...they give him a reason that the relationship is not going to possibly work out. Most of the problems he states are things that haven't become problems yet, but that he thinks will. Is that right to base a breakup on things that may never even happen? I don't think so. And where is the man who taught me that lesson hiding? Where is the man who taught me that love was worth risking everything for? That it was worth the potential pain to experience the potential greatness? But then, if he truly feels nothing, then what would the risk be for?

I simply cannot believe that all those feelings are gone...maybe they are in hiding or stuffed away somewhere deep and out of the way, but I can't believe they are truly gone. If that is so, then everything I thought I had learned from him is untrue and void. And I don't want that to be the case. I don't want to forget the things he has taught me. And I don't want to pack all these feelings back in the box and lock them away again. I want to share them...with him...with the only man who made me believe that it was worth sharing them.

I have felt for a long time that I was supposed to be alone in life. At least in the long term. I've told everyone that I have dated this and it usually elicits the same response. I don't tell them so that they can comfort or reassure me...although that is often what they do. I tell them that so they know that that is what I expect from my life. And since I have suspected that, I have been ok with that thought. I have had many friends and even boyfriends in the past tell me that they didn't think I was truly ok with it, but I genuinely was. I have always felt that if I ended up alone I would be ok with that. I mean ultimately, you're the only person you can ever really trust in life anyway. You're the only one who you know for a fact is going to look out for you. Everyone else is going to look out for them and if you happen to be beneficial to them at the moment they might look out for you too, but you can't really count on anyone but you. Anyway, for the first time in my life, I met someone who made me not want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm scared of being alone for the rest of my life.

So was it all worth it in the end?

I would trade nothing for the way he made me feel when I was around him. The feeling of knowing that there was someone out there who truly cared for me and loved me, who accepted me and desired me...nothing beats that. The dreams won't go away...dreams of the happier times we spent together. I wake up and cry to think that those moments may never happen again. To see him playing with his band...to feel his arms around me...to want to snuggle closer to someone in the bed...to feel his lips on mine...to read his feelings of love poured out in emails to me...to see the smile touch his lips that I know something I have said or done has put there...to see him with his cats...to know that he loves me. How am I going to live knowing that I may never again be able to experience any of that?

Does he know how badly he has hurt me? Does he care? Is he hurting just as badly himself? Is that why he won't talk to me? Does he not want me to see that he is feeling all the same things I am? And if so, then why are we doing this? Why are we both going through so much pain when all we have to do to heal it is be back together?

Sure there will be problems to work through together in the long run, but that's what I'm in this for. When I first planned on moving to Orlando, it was to completely start over. I had no intention of carrying any baggage with me. But when I met this man all that changed. I didn't mind carrying a boyfriend along with me. Was it hell missing him all the time? Sure, but I wasn't going anywhere. I don't want to meet anybody else. I don't want to be with anybody else. I just want to be with him.

Why does it have to hurt like this? I hate love.