Endless Thoughts

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Location: Orlando, Florida, United States

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Happy & Blessed

Ahhh…one nice big sigh of relief that the week is at an end.

Just to make all of you Alabamians who are nice enough to still care about me and read my live journal to see what’s going on a bit jealous of the Floridian way of life, I’ll let you know that I am sitting on the beach as I write this. Its a bright beautiful sunny day. The temperature is in the mid-70’s, but there is a nice breeze blowing. The waves are a decent size, crashing against the shore just loud enough to remind me of their power. Its beautiful, really beautiful. And when I am all done here in a little while, I might just go down and put my hands in the water. Or maybe, if I’m feeling real adventurous (it is almost November after all), I’ll take off my shoes and wiggle my toes in the sand. Anyone getting jealous yet? Because man, I love living in Florida!

This thought of living in The Sunshine State brings me to a moment of reflection. As I stare out at the ocean (and yes, I really am on the ocean side this time), I realize how hypnotic it is. It really just draws you into it, sucking you in with its beauty and holding you with its magnitude. Its amazing to think really, how many writers have written about it and yet its something that you can’t really fully appreciate until its right there with you and you just can’t look away.

But back to my moment of reflection. I realized the other day that I took a different path when I moved to Florida. And this “path” I’m referring to is a lot different than the obvious choice of moving to a different city/state. I’ve made different life choices since I got here and I realized the other day that they have led to a very happy point in my life. I’m not sure the decisions were conscious ones. This is definitely not the path I think I was aiming for by moving here. But I am, none-the-less, very happy and very blessed where I am right now. A sad revelation this has led me to is that I am beginning to realize that I will probably never dance or do color guard again (and yes, that thought has led to some very teary nights), but in the end, I think that might be ok with me.

I have a great job that I love and is beginning to look a bit more like a “career” with each passing day. I work for a company that I for once actually believe in. I have great managers who I feel truly have my best interest at heart and I feel that I can learn so much from. I get to work with a product every day that I believe in, a product that my knowledge of is actually educational, a product that people can really benefit from. I work with people who are educated and interesting, people who are competent (for the most part) and can hold intelligent conversations, people who are well read, people who I can actually learn things from! I have a job where I am moving forward and a job where I feel that people actually realize and reward me for what I bring to the table. I love my job!

I have a boyfriend who is truly out of this world and completely wonderful not only to me, but for me. I have found in him not only a best friend, but also a creative partner, a motivator, someone who requires and encourages me to become a better person and someone that I can really see as being my soul mate for life. I have found someone who I firmly believe I met at the perfect time in both of our lives. I don’t believe that any other person could have met and impacted us the way we did each other. We fit each other so perfectly that it can be overwhelming at times. We need each other. He is everything, everything, that I needed and could ever have hoped for in my life. I love him with all my heart and I cannot imagine what things might be like without him. He is a blessing and a gift from God.

My creative outlets, which were once fueled by dance and guard, are at this point being funneled into writing and film. Writing (while always present in my life) has never been such a large and driving force as it is now. I realize now that I write not to become rich and famous (I mean really, how many filthy rich authors are there?!), not to get published, not to impress my ideas on others, but because it has to come out of my system. I guess that, coupled with my ever present fear that I’m not really any good at writing, accounts for the fact that I have so many stories that I’ve never shared with anyone over the last fifteen years of my life. Because ultimately, it doesn’t matter if the things I write are never read by anyone. I am, after all, only writing them for me. If I don’t get my ideas out on paper, they will consume me.

Film is a creative outlet I am only beginning to tap into, but the more involved I become, the more involved I want to be. If I can motivate my film “partners” who I believe have much more knowledge than me to get going, I can only imagine what creative fields we may be able to conquer.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are days when I get super depressed still. And things in my world are far from “perfect”, but I do feel very blessed and ultimately very happy. I only hope that things continue to take turns for the better.