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Location: Orlando, Florida, United States

Friday, October 22, 2004

Moments of Realization

Since I am very tired this is going to be brief…

But there are times when I’m alone and think to myself everything that has changed over the past 4 months and I am amazed at the things I have accomplished. I am by no means trying to brag and I hope that my words are not interpreted that way. It is more a moment of self realization that washes over me…of knowing what I am capable of.

I basically packed up everything I owned and moved to a state where I knew no one and nothing. I found a job, I made friends and I’m making it…I’m really making it. And I haven’t had to ask for help and I haven’t had to run back home and I haven’t had to call my parents and ask for money. I’m not saying that I did it all on my own…No, I have truly been blessed…I must admit that.
But I have proven to myself what I am capable of and that is a nice thought. For the first time in my life, I feel grown up…Ok, well not necessarily grown up as in an adult, but I feel competent and accomplished. I am finally beginning to realize what I want in life. I finally know who I am
.

Moments of Realization

Since I am very tired this is going to be brief…

But there are times when I’m alone and think to myself everything that has changed over the past 4 months and I am amazed at the things I have accomplished. I am by no means trying to brag and I hope that my words are not interpreted that way. It is more a moment of self realization that washes over me…of knowing what I am capable of.

I basically packed up everything I owned and moved to a state where I knew no one and nothing. I found a job, I made friends and I’m making it…I’m really making it. And I haven’t had to ask for help and I haven’t had to run back home and I haven’t had to call my parents and ask for money. I’m not saying that I did it all on my own…No, I have truly been blessed…I must admit that.
But I have proven to myself what I am capable of and that is a nice thought. For the first time in my life, I feel grown up…Ok, well not necessarily grown up as in an adult, but I feel competent and accomplished. I am finally beginning to realize what I want in life. I finally know who I am
.

Friday, October 15, 2004

New Update

Well I suppose that all of you who keep up with me through the use of my live journal have been wondering where I’ve been for the past week or so. I’m around…just staying busy these days. And ha! Who am I kidding? I know that I’m probably the only one who reads this crap anyway ;o)

So I took the promotion at the bookstore. It’s actually a slightly bigger deal than I had previously thought. My section is huge and there are fewer leads than I thought. So I’m now in charge of History, Biographies, Religion, Current Affairs, Cultural Studies, Self Improvement, Romance, Exercise and Fitness, Health and Cooking. Wow….

Since the Big Blue Ball of Hell likes to make things difficult for me they’re keeping me on full time. My, how I appreciate that…I say this with dripping sarcasm of course. And these days, apparently full time means full time to them…I got 39 hours last week. So with both jobs I’m working close to 80 hours these days.

You might wonder what else occupies my time lately…or maybe not…so I’ll just amuse myself. I’m trying to keep writing. Shattered is my latest short story. A bit depressing you say? Well, life is a bit depressing also, is it not? Anyway, I find that expressing myself through writing eases pain and relieves thoughts, so why not?

I’ve also started to see someone. I think it is headed somewhere serious. I find myself hoping for that at least. He’s very special to me and I think that things would be very good if we ended up together. For now, that’s all I’ll say…wouldn’t want to spoil things at this point…way too early on for that. And you all know me well enough to know that there will be more than enough time for me to screw things up later on.

That’s about all for now, I suppose. Feeling happier these days, I am. I love my job at the bookstore and I find myself falling for a man who, if nothing more, has definitely shown me that there is room in my heart to have a good relationship with someone again. Definite potential for warm fuzzies and now I ask you, how scary is that?

Shattered

Sitting on her balcony in the heat of the afternoon, she ponders life’s lessons. A slow light breeze passes, lifting her long blonde locks and she remembers that fall is in the air. It is the season she claims as her favorite and it suddenly strikes her as how morbid that is. So many people were fond of spring and its symbolism of rebirth and new beginnings. It represented cleansing and a fresh start, but fall was its polar opposite. It was a season of death and dying with a crispness in the air reminiscent of all that would come in the dead of winter.

The wind picks up again, blowing and biting at her unprotected skin and for a brief second she recognizes the fact that there might not be a spring next year, not for her at least.

The comments he had made on the phone yesterday had hurt, were still hurting. I just don’t have feelings for you anymore. There had been no warning, no sign that things were digressing. Overnight, he was just gone.

If only she knew how to fix things, what she had done wrong. What made her so unlovable to all those around her? You don’t mean anything to me, another biting comment made and she cringes as she thinks of it. Harsh and bitter words cutting into her and she finds tears running down her face. She wipes at them with her hands, smearing her makeup and then marveling at the mix of colors on her hands, the blacks and reds and blues all swirled together in some sort of cruel pattern.

I should have seen this coming, she thinks. Why am I so weak that I let people in this way? Time and time again and I know I will never be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy.

She is suddenly reminded of a comment her mother used to make when she was growing up. You’re not supposed to be happy. Happiness is just something that happens to a few lucky people, but no one deserves it. Another cutting remark. How hard she had fought in the past to prove that it wasn’t true. Yet now as she sits on the balcony she realizes that her mother’s way of thinking has gotten to her.

She goes to push her hair out of her face, to tuck it behind her ears, but it is tangled and she pulls at the knots trying to smooth them out. She hadn’t noticed the wind was blowing so hard.

She starts to cry harder as she feels the pain growing. Her friends were there for her, a part of her deep inside knew that. They had offered comforting words, had tried to get her mind off things. But none of that mattered now. She was alone in this moment.

She was beginning to get a headache from thinking so hard, from crying so hard, from the pain. How long have I been sitting here? she wondered. He was supposed to have called today, hours ago by now, she guessed. But he hadn’t. No surprises there she thinks. I should have known better than to even get my hopes up. Maybe I should get up and go inside she thinks.

It is starting to get very cold, but as she goes to stand she feels week all of a sudden. She wipes at her tears again and then studies her hands as before. The black mascara and blue eye shadow made sense, but where is the red coming from? She never wears lipstick and she has not put on that much blush.

She feels a sharp pain in her wrist and subconsciously rubs at it with her fingers, suddenly feeling a stickiness there.

What? she pulls her fingers away to study them.

For the first time she manages to see through the blur of tears. In one hand she is clutching a sharp glistening object. She turns it over a couple of times as the memory comes back to her. The picture frame she had cracked earlier with a hammer just to retrieve the shard of glass. The glass felt odd in her hand now. She had brought it outside with her and at the time she hadn’t really been sure why.

Now she knows.

She drops the glass to the floor, watching the red liquid flow. It is beginning to pool under her feet and she realizes that even if she doesn’t want it to happen this way it is too late now.
There will be no spring for her, only the dead of winter.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Promoted

By the way…since I know everyone was waiting with baited breath to find out what’s become of my job situation…I got the promotion at Barnes & Nobles :o)

I've Been Psychoanalyzed!

So I was thinking the other day that perhaps my largest problem in relationships is that I seem to always fall for unavailable men. Whether it’s physically or emotionally or mentally, it doesn’t matter, they are unavailable. Well, I’m talking to my friend Melissa and I casually bring it up in our conversation that I think that’s why I tend to get into so many bad relationships.

So what does she do?

She psychoanalyzes me. Well, not intentionally of course, but before she thinks twice she says that it’s because subconsciously I know those people are unavailable and they can’t make a commitment, therefore, I don’t have to.

So I’m quiet for a second…processing…and then I say, “Did you just psychoanalyze me?” and she says, “Yeah I did, I’m sorry.”

But that’s ok because after processing I think she’s right. So I’m a commitment phobe…is that such a bad thing to be? Well, in relationships at least? I mean, I’ve never really had a problem committing…it just always seems like the guys I date do, but maybe that’s because those are the kinds of guys I pick. Maybe I’m really the one who’s scared to commit…hmmm…something to wonder about for a bit at least.

Johnny Dreams

I know that most will not realize the significance, but the fact that the Johnny dreams have returned to me is very important I believe. I have not dreamed of Johnny in over three months and I have missed those dreams so much. Those odd little moments of shared time are very possibly the closest I will ever get to the love of my life :o) I was beginning to wonder if they had gone for good, but finally they are back. Well, I had one at least. I can only hope for many, many more of Jack and Johnny…even Roux or Fred perhaps.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Another Song

I hate it when lyrics to new pop songs jump out at me and make me thing they’re well written as well as meaningful to my particular situation…especially when they’re by someone stupid like Ashlee Simpson’s boyfriend…or is he her ex these days? Who can keep up with the Hollywood crap anyway? But it’s beside the point. The song’s lyrics are good and they make me think of me…although I don’t know who’s going to save me from myself…maybe no one, I suppose…I could just fall forever. But if someone ever does…this song is for them…


On the Way Down (Ryan Cabrera)


Sick and tired of this world
There's no more air
Trippin over myself
Goin nowhere
Waiting, Suffocating,
No direction, And I took a dive and...
On the way down
I saw you
And you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held onto you
I've been wonderin why
It's only me
Have you always been inside
Waiting to breathe
It's alright, sunlight on my face
I wake up and yeah, I'm alive
Cause on the way down
I saw you
And you saved me from myself
And i won't forget the way you loved me
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held onto you
I was so afraid, of going under
But now, the weight of the world
Feels like nothing, no, nothing
Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
Down, down, down
You're all I needed
Down, down, down
You're all I wanted
You're all i needed
And I won't forget the way you loved me
All that I wanted...
All that I needed... now
On the way down
I saw you
And you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
On the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held onto you
But I held onto you
But I held onto you

These Days...Fall is in the Air

Things are still good these days. I’m tired of having to work all the time, that’s for sure, but what’s a poor struggling girl to do?

It’s October…finally…my absolute favorite month of the year for a couple of reasons. October is the first true month of fall and I love that. I love the nice breeze and the crispness of the air. That feel that winter is coming and the chance to start wearing long sleeves. There’s that smell of fall in the air and all the memories of football seasons and band competitions start to come rushing back. If only I were still with a marching program…sniffle, sniffle. Good times, I tell you…really good times…the best in my life probably. And of course, inevitably, my favorite holiday is contained within this month. I love Halloween! How much fun! Who couldn’t love a holiday where you get to dress up, get free candy, and hear ghost stories?! AWESOME STUFF!!!

As for life, well, it’s taken a couple of interesting twists since I got home, but that’s the way things work normally, isn’t it? I got offered a promotion at Barnes & Nobles. I thought this might be coming, but now I’m not sure what to do with it. The answer would be obvious except that they’re asking for full availability and I still need another job…one isn’t going to pay the bills. So, how frightening is it that I have to actually the managers at TBBBoH for permission to take the job? Well, perhaps it’s not exactly permission, but they’re the ones I have to get my scheduling worked out with and if I can’t, well then I can’t take the promotion. It sucks to have to suck up to the people you don’t respect. The promotion is however, a good opportunity, and one that could go somewhere one day. And at the moment, at least, the people from Planet seem to be pretty willing to work with me.

Partied way too hard this past week (after parties at the film festival followed by a night at Pat O’Brien’s and one at Pleasure Island) and it is going to be a long time before I decide to drink again. I’m getting too old for this sort of thing :o)

I’ve been talking to my friend Rob about all the movie stuff and I think we’ve come up with a pretty good idea for a short. Now we just have to sit down and write it out and figure out when we’re going to film it. I’m excited about it though. The initial idea was mine, but Rob has expanded on it quite a bit and turned it into what I think will make a nifty little short that we can hopefully enter in some festivals next year…very cool. Just wait, in no time at all I will be casting Johnny in a movie of my own…heh, heh…yep, that’s dirty laughter. Anyway…while we’re speaking of Mr. Depp himself…I updated my fanfiction…wouldn’t want you to miss out on the next great installment. You can find it here
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1847059/19/

I’m reading some good books…always, always reading good books :o) Christopher Pike’s Alosha pretty much sucks. I’m not really a fan of the whole fairy/elf/dwarf world, but oh well. I can only hope that the master of horror himself will decide to go back to the world of writing that he is so good at. Maybe the ending will surprise me though…but I doubt it. I’m also working on the trilogy of books by Anne Rice about Sleeping Beauty. Nice erotic fiction…very enjoyable.

I have a trip to the parks planned for next week with my friend Kristin…I’m looking forward to that…should be fun. And I finally get to use my cast member ID!

The Trip Home

Aha! Finally time to write!

So I’m back home from the film festival. Been back home for quite a few days now actually…just haven’t had time to write. I had a really good time…but I guess I should start from the beginning. That’s usually the best way to tell a story after all, isn’t it?

Let’s see, the visit to Montgomery went well. I got to see a few of my friends there. I got some quality shopping done at Hot Topic…some perfect black boots to go with my cute black skirt. I had dinner with my friend Chad and stopped in Dothan on my way up to see Joe. I spent some really nice time with my family. I took my brother to the bookstore; I think he could almost do as much damage as me with books :o) I got to have lunch with my aunt and uncle and Nom. That was lots of fun. And I got to spend some quality time with Mom and Dad.

Mom and Dad…now there’s a side note that needs to be added here. They’re so weird these days! Holding hands and kissing and telling each other they love each other! Maybe my little brother has had time to grow accustomed to it, but not me. It’s weird…very strange. I suppose if you don’t know my parents then I probably sound like the weird one, but after 24 years of never seeing any of these things…NEVER…it is very odd to all of a sudden see them being all “lovey-dovey” with one another.

Friday (a week ago) my dad had surgery. Everything went fine…well, for him at least. Somehow the evil grandparents found out about it though and decided to show up at the hospital. I was not pleased, to say the least. In fact, if it hadn’t been for the fact that I had ridden with my mother I think I would have left. And despite that fact I was still tempted to walk home…even though the hospital is across the border and all. Why in the world would they decide to come except to make our lives more miserable? However, I told my mom when I moved that I wasn’t going to be nice to them anymore and I’m not. I don’t live there anymore and I’m grown. If I don’t want to see them, I don’t have to and I’m not going to. I made a pretty clear point of ignoring them. And then Aunt Colley showed up…did I just hear evil villain music playing in the background? That’s when things got really ugly. I ended up walking out of the waiting room…having to see her too was just way too much. I had never planned on seeing these people again in my life and then they walk into a hospital while my dad is having surgery and I can’t escape them! I’m not even going to start in on why they thought they needed to come. It was minor surgery for goodness sakes…he’s 51 years old…he doesn’t really need his mommy and daddy there anymore. The only redeeming light was the fact that Aunt Elizabeth and Uncle Charles decided to stop by and check on us and they were able to save me from the horns and pitchforks.

I left Montgomery Friday afternoon and drove up to Birmingham to meet Melissa and Marsha and we had a really good weekend. There were quite a few good films…Alice’s Misadventures in Wonderland, D.E.B.S., and The Loss of Nameless Things to name a few. It was lots of fun, but I must admit that my desire to sit in a movie theatre will be a long time in returning to me. We all know about how well I sit still for long periods of time. Melissa and I attended several of the after parties…they even had one that was a Mad Tea Party…how cool is that? That’s the Disney freak coming out in me. She made some good connections and I met some cool people…well, one cool person :o) I got to see Kenn again…and I stress see here because that’s all it was since he was immature enough to go out of his way to ignore me the entire weekend. I’d also like to add that there was a nasty attempt to talk dirty about me behind my back. Now, everyone here knows me well enough to know just about how well that sits with me…although I suppose it should not be a surprise at this point…grow some balls and say what you have to say! I do feel fairly comfortable in saying that I don’t believe the guys I dated in high school even acted this way. Ah, well, no great loss there…I’m still holding out for Johnny anyway and we all know that Kenn is no match for him :o)

Kate came up for a couple of days as well. That was kind of weird actually…lots of bumping around in the dark and acting strange…but she’s kind of been that way since me and Melissa told her we were both moving. Oh well…

Got to see Kevin (the alien) and Mia again and that was nice…as well as another screening of Lilah…I hope we’re all famous some day ;o)

Went back through Montgomery on my way home again and got to see Randall and Mom again. I also stopped in at Lee and paid a visit to my students and Michael and Donnie. I miss my kids there a lot…I miss teaching a lot. Also stopped by on my way back home and saw Joe again. We’re really good friends these days and that’s a nice thing. We’ve worked damned hard to get there too…

So that, my friends, in a nutshell is my trip. Thanks to the trip you also got the short story out of me :o) Just a little thought for the moment. I’m still gathering people’s opinions on it, but maybe one day I will expound on what it means to me…until then…

More Song Lyrics

Take it however you want to…I’m not exactly sure who the words remind me of at this point…perhaps a couple of different people. None-the-less, they are fitting so…


So Much for My Happy Ending (Avril Lavigne…the only female singer I listen to ;o))

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretendingSo much for my happy ending