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Location: Orlando, Florida, United States

Friday, September 10, 2004

A Brighter, Shinier, Happier Elizabeth

Well as indicated by the oddly cheerful title (that is, odd for me at least) I’m feeling better these days. I’m not sure exactly when or why the transformation took place, but I’m feeling good…about life, about myself, about things in general. It is often strange to me how these transformations take place, but it’s nice. One day you’re moping around complaining about life and how bad things are and then the next thing you know you’re happy and things are peachy again. And even though you know it didn’t happen overnight, you don’t recognize the transformation period. I know for me, especially with this last time, I didn’t snap my fingers and become happy in 24 hours. And yet the change happened so gradually that I didn’t even notice it happening. I’m not sure I’m doing such a good job of explaining this in words. Hmmm…and I want to be a writer…not a good thing ;-) Ok, my point is that it seems my sad to happy transformation happened overnight even though I know it has been going on for some time. It’s just weird that you don’t realize it’s happening while it is.

Alright, no more trying to explain. So, aside from things in the big blue ball of hell being, well, hell, things are good in life. I suppose I’ve made some fairly profound discoveries about myself. I think I know where I want to be in life and I think I’m headed there…and that’s a good thing. I’m away from Alabama and all that I feel drug me down for a long time there. With the split from Kenn I’m finally able to really start over down here like I wanted to do from the beginning and that sense of independence feels very nice. I didn’t notice the change there either and I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I stopped missing Kenn. I think we are better not together and I think that in the long run, maybe even the short run, he was self-destructive for me. So it’s good that that tie has been severed. I forget when I get into a relationship how much I truly enjoy being alone. Many people will never understand that and even question my sincerity towards it, but I genuinely enjoy the time that I am single. It is in those times that I truly find myself and can work towards getting what I want out of life. I do have a tendency to put others above myself and when I’m in a relationship it can end up hurting me and stunting my growth more than benefiting me. So it has always been and will be the times when I am single that I am happiest and seem to be the most successful.

There are several guys out there on the radar. Some of them are small blips on the horizon and others are beginning to pull at me a little more strongly. It’s comforting to know that I’m still attractive, that there are people out there who are interested in me. But as far as forming a relationship with anyone, I just don’t think it’s going to be part of my agenda for a long time. This is a time in my life where I need to do some things for me and if I get involved with someone the focus will shift to them and I don’t need that right now. I need to get myself in a spot I’m happy with before I try and make someone else happy.

I’ve made friends who I feel safe at this point saying are Good Friends. Friends that I know I can depend on when I really need someone to depend on. We go out and we have get togethers…such as Two for Tuesdays…and we share stuff. I’m making connections with groups that I have been involved with in the past. Writing groups and dancers and band people. I’m diligently going to the bookstore once a week to write and research (and look for new Johnny Depp pictures in magazines J ) I’m working on my fanfiction hard core again. I’m back to my Depp website, trying desperately to catch up on all the JD news I have missed out on over the last couple of months. I’m working out again…dancing, spinning. I feel like I’m getting parts of my life back to normal…back to me…and in a new environment which brings a nice mix to it all. It feels fresh, but it feels sincere and that’s a good feeling…a true to myself feeling.

Strangely enough, I’m excited about going back to visit Alabama at the end of the month. That’s a weird feeling in and of itself, but I think it’s the people I’m looking forward to seeing and not the location. It’s also helpful to know that my friend, Kristin, is going with me so I won’t be alone in the terrifying land of the abnormal. I will have someone to rationalize with when things get too “Alabamian” for me.

Work is going well too…well, at least at my job that can actually be called a real job. David has been very complimentary and seems to be very pleased with the work I am doing at Barnes & Noble. He wants me to come on full time I believe and I’m truly thinking about doing it, although it would be nice if I could manage to get a raise along the way. I’m really happy there…I love being a bookseller…although I’m still pretty sure I’m spending more money than I’m taking home.

The balloon guy at Planet gave me a balloon tonight…it’s Batman. How cool is that? Batman is my favorite superhero and he’s awesome. I was talking to him tonight and people were laughing at me because I was flying him to the parking lot and saying things like, “To the Bat Mobile!” I don’t even need alcohol…lack of sleep will work just fine in getting me to be crazy. Anyway, BatBoy and I are about to head to bed. It’s getting late…or early…whatever your view on time is. I’m off work tomorrow, but have some venting to do about tBBBoH so I will probably write again soon.

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