Endless Thoughts

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Location: Orlando, Florida, United States

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Congrats to my little brother

Just wanted to let everyone know how proud I am of my little brother. He took his Nissan 240 to NOPI in Atlanta a couple of weekends ago and he won! He now has the number one 240 in America. Pretty impressive, huh? Here's the picture from the NOPI website. http://www.nopinationals.com/2004/gallery/CarShowAsian/www.html

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

A Short Story

Alright, so I still haven’t updated the fanfiction. Sorry mates :o( But I was productive in writing this weekend. The idea for this short story came to me while I was at home Wednesday…it hit me and wouldn’t go away until I put it on paper…despite the fact that my dad was watching TV and I had to focus way too hard to put the words down. Regardless, it’s been edited and here it is for your reading enjoyment. I’d like some thoughts if you feel like commenting or emailing me. I kind of want to see if I got the message across that I was attempting to convey. What are your final thoughts on the story? Enjoy and there will be updates from this weekend later on :o)

She entered the party from a side door and even from all the way across the room, she caught his attention immediately. She looked absolutely ravishing tonight and he wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination or if everyone really did turn to stare at her as she passed by.

She was dressed for the occasion, but had no date by her side. Her dress was the color of the sky and he could only imagine how well it must have offset the shade of her eyes. It flowed loosely down around her ankles and barely clung to her skin in all the right places. Silver strappy sandals added over an inch to her height and drew his eyes slowly down and back up her body. Despite the way the fabric flowed loosely around her, it still managed to accent her tiny waist. The low neck played up the cleavage that she would always wish for more of, but fit her body perfectly none-the-less.

At her throat she wore a single strand of pearls. Her arms remained bare except for the deep tan she carried from the southern sun. He subconsciously checked her ring finger for a wedding band.

What in the world was he doing, he thought. It hadn’t been that long since they had last spoken. And what if she was engaged? What did he care? He didn’t want her back.

She only wore one ring on her right hand, an exquisite emerald that he was sure he had never seen before. He briefly wondered where it had come from. A gift, perhaps?

She moved through the room gracefully, smiling and speaking to anyone she came across. She looked happy and she seemed to spread her radiance to those around her. An angel, he thought, she could pass for an angel tonight. The way she seemed to touch everyone she encountered without ever really doing anything special.

It was that smile, he thought. That smile that could melt a thousand ice cold hearts, his included, even in the dead of winter.

Her hair was pulled up and away from her face, allowing her features to express their full beauty. It was curled and styled loosely in a bun, revealing the small spot on the back of her neck that he used to love to kiss. The spot that he knew would send thousands of small shivers down her spine.

Tiny pearl strands dangled from her ears, loosely grazing her neck. And then there were those thoughts of her neck again. But he wouldn’t think about that tonight, wouldn’t dwell on lost memories. Tonight he wanted to enjoy her true beauty and he must admit that she was beautiful.

The party continued on, the dull music of the live band playing on in the background as his thoughts consumed him while he watched her finish her round of greetings. Almost before he realized what he was doing he was headed across the room, putting down his drink, putting out his cigarette, pushing gently through the crowd.

“Excuse me, pardon me,” he apologized.

She was going to leave, he could feel it and he couldn’t let that happen, couldn’t let her get away, not before he had at least spoken to her.

“Miss?” knowing that she couldn’t hear him, not yet anyway.

And then he was there, behind her.

“Excuse me, Miss?” finally close enough for her to hear, “Sarah?”

She turned to face him and for the first time that night their eyes truly met and she stared at him in confusion.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I don’t believe we’ve met.”
Staring into those glassy dark blue eyes he realized his mistake.

“No, no, you’re right. I’m so sorry to have disturbed you. It’s just, well, you just look like someone I used to know.”

She nodded an acceptance of his apology and stepped away. As he watched her go it seemed as if she glided on top of the floor and he had to force himself to focus on her feet touching the ground just to prove to himself that she had been real.

Elizabeth Ludlow

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Going Home

And they say you can never go home again…but that’s what I’m doing…well, Wednesday at least.

Ahoy there mateys! Did you know that today is national pirate talk day. Good thing I’ve been studying up so diligently. Anyway, I thought I better write and give everyone an update since I’m about to disappear for a week or so. I’m going to die without my internet connection! Whatever will I do when I can’t be connected to the rest of the world for a whole 5 days?!

I should probably be in bed right now. I have Traditions at 8 AM tomorrow…:o( I’m really excited about finally getting to go. I think I will enjoy the class and I will finally get to enjoy my Disney benefits. How long has it been? Three months? That damn rat…robbing us blind at every opportunity.

I’m leaving Wednesday morning to go back home. I’m strangely excited. Isn’t that weird? Who knew I would ever look forward to going back to Alabama. But the truth is I am excited for the chance to see my friends again and my family. Now that Kristin isn’t going with me :o( I can leave two days earlier and actually get to see my family without having to rush out the door to Birmingham for the film festival. I’m also going to have a chance to see some of my Montgomery friends…well, the ones I care about at least. The others will never know I ever even stopped by…bwahaha! Evil laughter ensues.

Anyway…my father is having surgery Friday so I will be staying in Montgomery through that afternoon. Someone has to take care of him and we’ve all learned that Mom is not the nurturer of the family ;o) I’m hoping to get some relaxing done…some reading and writing…but I know it will probably be pure craziness trying to fit everything in while I’m there.

Then it’s off to Birmingham for Sidewalk. I can’t wait to see Melissa again. I have missed her and Mark so much although they have still been a pretty strong lifeline even in Arizona. They’re wonderful friends and I’m so lucky to have met them. I know Melissa will be nervous to see her film on a big screen again…but it’s highly possible that we’ll all be so drunk by then we won’t notice :o) Just kidding…maybe…

Things at Barnes & Nobles are going well. I love the job and I love the people. I’m thinking I’ll probably try to go full time there in the near future…if I can convince David to give me a raise. It’s just so peaceful there and the people are intellectuals…those are hard to come across at TBBBoH. But I digress.

Finally finished reading TC Boyle’s new book The Inner Circle. I highly recommend it to anyone. It’s not what I thought it would be…I handpicked it off the shelf hoping for lots of sex…it is about Dr. Kinsey after all. What I discovered though was a beautifully written descriptive work about a very interestingly drawn group of people. Boyle really makes his characters pop off the page and seem lifelike with descriptions like none I’ve ever read before. Excellent, excellent, excellent read.

Now it’s on to Christopher Pike’s new fantasy world in Alosha. Why did the master of horror decide to focus on elves and dwarves? The idea seems silly, but I’m trying to keep an open mind…

Things at TBBBoH are still…well, hell…just as I said last time. I really need to get motivated to find another job. I cannot deal with those people. They screwed my schedule up again on Saturday. The one in the mini said 5-11, but the cheat sheets said 4-C. What the fuck is that? AARRRGGGHHH (in honor of national pirate talk day and all).

Despite the sucky job frontier I’m still feeling pretty happy. Things are looking up these days. I’ve made some good friends and I’m getting involved with some projects that I’m really excited about. I have a focus…a direction again…and I think that’s good for me.
Well, it’s bedtime. I gotta be up way too early. And after that…I’m headed home. I’m sure that I will have many interesting stories to tell when I return. Until then…Au Revoir!

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Never Enough Time

Why is it that there never seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done? I even had the day off today and I still didn’t get everything finished. My poor fanfiction…I have devoted zero time to dear Jack lately. Perhaps I should say my poor fanfiction readers though, for it is they who are truly suffering from my lack of time to write these days. I did, however, manage to get most things done that I set out to do today. I tanned and worked out…used to have time for that 3 or 4 days a week…no wonder I’m getting chunkier these days ;o) Hmmm…what else? I allowed my friend Kris to drag me shopping with her. I would say that was productive, but it depends on which way you look at it. It was productive for my credit card company I suppose. As for my wallet…well, that is why I’m working two jobs these days, isn’t it? Yes, so back to the trip to the mall. My goal was a black skirt and some black knee-high boots for next weekend. Now, I ask you, do you think either of those two items was found? Well, I did buy a black skirt, but it wasn’t what I had in mind since I was picturing something dressy and ended up buying a cute little number from Hot Topic. That particular store also turned up a pirate search that ended in notebook paper and magnets. I love that place :o) I did also manage to find a cute dress to wear to the parties next weekend so that should be good.

Well, that’s going to be all for my short little synopsis of today. I’m tired and I have to be at work early again…so tired of this. I want to write, so badly! but there is no time! Arrrggghhhh! That’s pirate speak there mateys. Goodnight.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Useless Information

Things are still looking up…smooth waters and good sailing winds dead ahead…I hope. Despite my immense amount of hate for tBBBoH and the extreme amount of exhaustion I’m feeling from working all the time…life is pretty happy at the moment.

Two and a half hours at the bookstore the other day turned up 3 magazines with Johnny pictures in them! Thank heavens for the Venice Film Festival…the man has been damn near invisible for the last month or so. They’re nice pictures too…big full page color ones :o) I must also thank my dear friend Kristin for making beautiful stickers of dear Johnny to adhere to my Micros card at tBBBoH. It’s the pic of him where he’s pointing his finger to his head like a gun…that’s how working at the damn place makes me feel. Like blowing my brains out! Thank you Johnny for providing such a lovely photo to look at that also manages to express my feelings so well ;o)

Finally caught up with my good friend Sweet T again the other day, who for the moment being will remain nameless in case I want to engage in interesting discussions about him ;o) Yes, I know you’re probably reading this…and for the record I am madly in love with you and want to have wild and crazy sex with you all night long :o) Anyway, it was a nice good catch-up chat.

Things have been so busy with work lately that other areas of life are suffering. My writing is taking a hard hit. My readers for The Horizon are probably going to start sending me hate mail soon. I’m having ideas and the story is blossoming inside my head, I just don’t have time to get it all down on paper. A very frustrating position to be in as a writer. I’m trying desperately hard to keep reading…finally finished the Johnny Depp biography. It was very good…nothing I didn’t already know, but then I’m guessing at this point that would be a rather difficult thing to accomplish. I’m working on a collection of stories by H.P. Lovecraft. It’s pretty good, nice and dark. Kinda twisted…so far my favorite one was The Outsider although I also enjoyed Herbert West – Reanimator. The Outsider was a bit predictable, but I’m sure at the time it was written it was rather profound. I also borrowed The Inner Circle in hardback from Barnes and Noble. I’m planning on starting that one tonight. It sounds interesting even though it’s out of the typical genres that I normally enjoy. There are so many books I want to read and just not enough time!

Went shopping at Wally World tonight and got some good stuff. A couple of new shirts for work and some tasty foods. I’m really going to try and start eating better…no more vending machine food for this girl. I’ve got to lose some weight. I’m also going to try and start working out again.

I’m excited about going back home next week. Turns out that my dad is going to have surgery that Friday so it will be good that I am going to be there for that. Funny how things work out, isn’t it?

Well, I’m off to a warm bath…this is the first night I haven’t had to be at work since I don’t remember when. I’m going to soak with this new novel. I hope it’s a good one.

Friday, September 10, 2004

A Brighter, Shinier, Happier Elizabeth

Well as indicated by the oddly cheerful title (that is, odd for me at least) I’m feeling better these days. I’m not sure exactly when or why the transformation took place, but I’m feeling good…about life, about myself, about things in general. It is often strange to me how these transformations take place, but it’s nice. One day you’re moping around complaining about life and how bad things are and then the next thing you know you’re happy and things are peachy again. And even though you know it didn’t happen overnight, you don’t recognize the transformation period. I know for me, especially with this last time, I didn’t snap my fingers and become happy in 24 hours. And yet the change happened so gradually that I didn’t even notice it happening. I’m not sure I’m doing such a good job of explaining this in words. Hmmm…and I want to be a writer…not a good thing ;-) Ok, my point is that it seems my sad to happy transformation happened overnight even though I know it has been going on for some time. It’s just weird that you don’t realize it’s happening while it is.

Alright, no more trying to explain. So, aside from things in the big blue ball of hell being, well, hell, things are good in life. I suppose I’ve made some fairly profound discoveries about myself. I think I know where I want to be in life and I think I’m headed there…and that’s a good thing. I’m away from Alabama and all that I feel drug me down for a long time there. With the split from Kenn I’m finally able to really start over down here like I wanted to do from the beginning and that sense of independence feels very nice. I didn’t notice the change there either and I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I stopped missing Kenn. I think we are better not together and I think that in the long run, maybe even the short run, he was self-destructive for me. So it’s good that that tie has been severed. I forget when I get into a relationship how much I truly enjoy being alone. Many people will never understand that and even question my sincerity towards it, but I genuinely enjoy the time that I am single. It is in those times that I truly find myself and can work towards getting what I want out of life. I do have a tendency to put others above myself and when I’m in a relationship it can end up hurting me and stunting my growth more than benefiting me. So it has always been and will be the times when I am single that I am happiest and seem to be the most successful.

There are several guys out there on the radar. Some of them are small blips on the horizon and others are beginning to pull at me a little more strongly. It’s comforting to know that I’m still attractive, that there are people out there who are interested in me. But as far as forming a relationship with anyone, I just don’t think it’s going to be part of my agenda for a long time. This is a time in my life where I need to do some things for me and if I get involved with someone the focus will shift to them and I don’t need that right now. I need to get myself in a spot I’m happy with before I try and make someone else happy.

I’ve made friends who I feel safe at this point saying are Good Friends. Friends that I know I can depend on when I really need someone to depend on. We go out and we have get togethers…such as Two for Tuesdays…and we share stuff. I’m making connections with groups that I have been involved with in the past. Writing groups and dancers and band people. I’m diligently going to the bookstore once a week to write and research (and look for new Johnny Depp pictures in magazines J ) I’m working on my fanfiction hard core again. I’m back to my Depp website, trying desperately to catch up on all the JD news I have missed out on over the last couple of months. I’m working out again…dancing, spinning. I feel like I’m getting parts of my life back to normal…back to me…and in a new environment which brings a nice mix to it all. It feels fresh, but it feels sincere and that’s a good feeling…a true to myself feeling.

Strangely enough, I’m excited about going back to visit Alabama at the end of the month. That’s a weird feeling in and of itself, but I think it’s the people I’m looking forward to seeing and not the location. It’s also helpful to know that my friend, Kristin, is going with me so I won’t be alone in the terrifying land of the abnormal. I will have someone to rationalize with when things get too “Alabamian” for me.

Work is going well too…well, at least at my job that can actually be called a real job. David has been very complimentary and seems to be very pleased with the work I am doing at Barnes & Noble. He wants me to come on full time I believe and I’m truly thinking about doing it, although it would be nice if I could manage to get a raise along the way. I’m really happy there…I love being a bookseller…although I’m still pretty sure I’m spending more money than I’m taking home.

The balloon guy at Planet gave me a balloon tonight…it’s Batman. How cool is that? Batman is my favorite superhero and he’s awesome. I was talking to him tonight and people were laughing at me because I was flying him to the parking lot and saying things like, “To the Bat Mobile!” I don’t even need alcohol…lack of sleep will work just fine in getting me to be crazy. Anyway, BatBoy and I are about to head to bed. It’s getting late…or early…whatever your view on time is. I’m off work tomorrow, but have some venting to do about tBBBoH so I will probably write again soon.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Insert Witty Title Here

So I haven’t really written in a while. I guess that’s what happens when you work sixteen-hour days all the time…maybe this two jobs thing wasn’t such a good idea. But the bills have to get paid somehow and Planet just isn’t cutting it right now. So for the moment, most days I work 11 – 4 at Barnes & Nobles and 5 – 2 or 3 AM at Planet (aka the big blue ball of hell). I actually applied for a job at Hard Rock (traitor!) and I can go for an interview on Monday. I simply can’t deal with the bullshit that goes on at PH every day. It’s more corrupt than I ever could have imagined. “The Group” really is a group and they really are getting unfair treatment…to an extreme amount…and that I just can’t deal with. Everyone is struggling for hours. I’m getting about 30 a week and this is supposed to be a full time thing. Well, last week I was looking over the sheet of people who are getting close to having overtime. ALL of them were people from “the group” and all of them are working between 38 and 45 hours a week. Tell me how that’s fair. Everyone else is trying to get hours and yet somehow they’re all ok? WTF?!

Then you have “The Girl with the Forked Tongue”. I’m pretty sure she’s sleeping with all three of the managers. I wonder if that ever gets confusing or if they take notes and compare things about her later on. One would think that it would have to be awkward to stand in a meeting with all of your bosses and know that you’re banging each of them later on in the night. So she takes care of their needs and in exchange she gets to do things like take Ken Ken for a ride in her brand new car and let him buy her ice cream while she does no work but stays clocked in for 2 hours. And then there was that little comment she made the other day at pre-shift when someone said that the supervisor who had a question about closing the mini at 2 AM should have called Ken. “He wouldn’t have answered.” Do I need to remind anyone that Ken Ken is married?!

There’s “The Trendsetter” who for some strange reason manages to get “the group” to follow his lingo blindly. As a result, all sorts of scary words such as “Fantasmic”, “Hells” and “Shoo” are circulating the store with no end in sight. It’s bizarre the way they flock to him and follow his lead. It almost resembles one of those religious groups whose leader ends up making them all drink poisoned Kool-Aid together. I’m sure there is some witty comment just waiting to be made as I compare stupid phrases to poisoned Kool-Aid, but it’s just not coming to me at the moment. The Trendsetter has also managed to steal almost one piece of every type of merchandise from the stores and have the management comp it out for him. Now my first question is the obvious Why would you want that shit? But my second deals with morals and ethics and since the group clearly has none…we will move on.

There is one member of the group that I’ve grown rather partial to…Although I know that Julien is a key player to the group, I must admit that I actually like him. When Julien is not around the group, he is a very neat individual. He’s very intellectual and cultured. He’s very interesting to talk to and I find myself looking forward to the conversations we have when we work alone together. The moment a member of the group walks in however, the conversations shift and become more light-hearted and not so serious. It’s kind of sad and I wonder if they even know all the depth there is to Julien or if he is just a fun Frenchman to party with. If that’s the case, they are really missing out and Julien is selling himself short.

So that’s enough about the corruption that exists in the Big Blue Ball of Hell…how about the corruption at Disney?! Let’s talk about the Mouse or the Rat…whichever you prefer. Disney brainwashes people. I haven’t figured out exactly how just yet…it seems as if placing ears on them and reorganizing their brain waves would be too obvious, but then I guess you never know. Can anyone tell me why we were the only people in the whole damn city who had to work last night? Go ahead…anyone…you there, in the corner in the back, go ahead and give it a shot. “It was a beautiful day yesterday.” Oh yeah…you’ve been brainwashed by The Mouse…have you been eating that hallucinogenic cheese again? We were open yesterday because Mickey might as well just shout out “Fuck you” to all of his employees over the loudspeaker. “We don’t care if your homes blow away in the storm tomorrow because you haven’t had time to prepare. Remember what we told you in Traditions? All of our employees should be replaceable…everyone should just blend in.” Why don’t they just build an entire army of robotic mice? Wouldn’t that be cheaper ultimately anyway? I mean, you wouldn’t have to pay them, right? I would actually be a little surprised if they hadn’t already thought of this.

So what did we do yesterday while the entire city was preparing for the storm? We stayed open and worked to bring that extra hundred bucks in…because after all, it was a beautiful day! Here’s another great little tidbit about Disney. Did you know that, as an employee, we’re not allowed to bring up any bad news to guests? I understand that they’re trying to make sure the Fantasy Vacation is complete…I mean, after all, they’re selling happiness, right? Bottled happiness. But there is a point where it just goes to far. Example? Alrighty then…a guest comes in and says, “It’s a hot day out today.” We’re expected to say something to the effect of, “Yeah, but it’s beautiful out there.” Alright, I accept that…play into the fantasy…no harm done. But say for example when 9/11 happened, if a guest came in and asked an employee what was going on they were supposed to tell them that they didn’t really know because they’d been at work all day. What the hell is that? I mean come on people, you can’t just ignore that shit and make it go away. The Mouse is disturbed…there are some serious issues with that way of thinking.

And because Disney is the great and wonderful company that it is, we’re all getting Severe Weather Pay for the time we miss because of the hurricane, right? Is that mouse laughter that I hear? Of course we’re not! It’s probably part of the brainwashing process…we’re supposed to be happy we’re getting the hours now because they’re sure as hell not gonna pay us for the couple of days they have to shut down the park. Do you know how much money Mickey is losing? He’s gonna have to settle for a cheaper brand of cheese for a couple of days at this rate. I can see the dollar signs clicking away in his eyes as he imagines all the lost opportunities.

And as if on cue, the hurricane winds are howling just outside my window. I’d like to shout out a great big Thank You to the lovely Sunshine State on greeting me with not one, but two nice hurricanes in my first two months of residency. Nothing says Welcome Home like having to wonder if a tree is going to land on your car in the middle of the night….or how about a twig launching itself as a small projectile through your window. Ahhh, the excitement of hurricane season…to think of how I was missing out on all this fun in Alabama. But I suppose if I have to choose, I’d rather die in a hurricane than from sheer boredom.

You know, the people from Barnes & Noble never called to say we weren’t working tomorrow. So does that mean that I’m supposed to show up at 8:30 AM? If they think that’s gonna happen, they’ve lost their damn minds. Somehow I figure I probably just missed the call though. We’ve been closed since Thursday night and since they actually care about us, they are paying us for Severe Weather Pay. Obviously they haven’t been affected by the corruption of the mouse’s dollar yet.

Chapter Eighteen

Being productive again...Chapter 18 is now up and ready for reviews.