Views on the Weather and Life

Well the weather has passed through and Charley ended up being a pansy. There was maybe an hour's worth of really note-worthy and rather exciting activity, but overall I was not impressed. It rained a little this afternoon, but the action didn't start until around 8 or 9. The wind started howling pretty nicely and the rain came down hard, swirling in different directions. I opened all the blinds and watched most of the storm from right at the window. The lights in the parking lot provided an excellent view of the wind pushing the rain in all directions. Another really cool effect, which I’m thinking might have been attributed to lightening, was the sky lighting up green. It was really pretty, almost a turquoise shade and for several seconds at a time the entire sky would brighten to that color. The prettiest was at one point when the sky lit up green and then went to purple and back to green and then purple again. It did it about five times just over and over. It was really beautiful, almost like Mother Nature's own personal fireworks show. Very cool...if only I'd had a camera I could have videotaped it.

The wind and rain continued for a little over an hour and then it became completely still. I thought that maybe we were in the eye, but the weather map here shows that it is all gone. My first complaint about Orlando - it never rains enough here. But then my mood has been fairly melancholy lately so perhaps it is just me.

I had a really unique experience tonight that I thought I’d share. I was talking to my mother (who had called to check on me) on the phone and while we were talking my dad came home from work. I heard him open the door and I could hear him start talking to her, but here’s where it gets weird. All of a sudden I had this vision of him standing at the back door taking off his boots, just like he used to do every night when he got home and then all of a sudden I could smell him…just like he was right in my den. How strange is that? It was so weird…I’ve never had a feeling like that before…but I could literally smell him. Just the way he used to smell when he would come home from work every night. Interesting, huh? I’ve tried to imagine smelling other things, but I can’t make it work and even if I try to imagine smelling him now it doesn’t work. It was just for that minute in time that I could really smell him. Strange.

I've been having reception problems with my cell tonight, probably interference from the storm. I ended up with two new messages and no missed calls an hour or so ago. I wanted so badly for one of them to be from Kenn. Even if it meant that I had missed his call, I at least would have known that he had thought about me. Why doesn't he call? I know he doesn't like talking on the phone, but he could at least call every now and then couldn't he?

This is killing me. Just one phone call. I just want to hear from him…to talk to him…just to speak as friends...to see how he is doing and what is going on in his life. Does he know how much I think about him? Does he know that I fall asleep thinking about him and wake up with thoughts of him and dream about him in between? Does he ever think about me? I cannot get him off my mind, no matter how hard I try. He comes up in every conversation...in every thought process. I miss him so incredibly much. I think it is safe to say that I have never had a love like this. I've never let anyone in like this. And what do I get in return? A broken heart, the feeling of complete and utter loneliness, and a friend who doesn't even return my calls. Yes, this hurts worse than any emotional pain ever has in the past.

Why can't I just move on? He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to be with me. I think by now that is pretty clear. Why can't I just accept that and go on? Why does it still have that feeling to it that it can't really be happening? What could I possibly have done that was so bad to warrant a punishment such as this? To completely destroy all feelings of love from the only man who has ever mattered this much to me in literally a manner of days? What atrocity did I commit? For whatever it was, I will make it right. This is almost too much for my heart to bear. The burden is too heavy.

There are moments, small slices of time, when I manage to not think of him. J-- at work can provide a rather nice distraction for a small manner of time. But ultimately, that's all it is, isn't it? A distraction...a cover up so that for a few minutes in time I am not so incredibly sad and lost and alone. I have never in my life felt this way about anyone. But I guess that goes hand in hand with my theory that I am destined to be alone in life. It seems fitting, doesn't it? That the one person I would end up feeling I was destined to be with wouldn't want me. How else could I have expected that theory to hold true? To think that I would simply never find that person would have been too easy and too kind. No, life can't just kick you in the ass, it truly has to beat the shit out of you. I should have started listening to my father's advice much earlier on in life..."Life sucks, then you die."

For an optimistic look on things? Well, that's just not me (especially these days), but I'll try. He has promised me his friendship and if that is all he can ever give me in the future then I know that I am still more blessed than most. To know that for a brief moment I touched his life as something more, that for a brief moment I was what he desired, and for a brief moment I made him happy...I count myself lucky. But the happiness that comes with those thoughts is bittersweet.

I would give just about anything to get a second chance with him. Even if it only lasted a brief moment it would be priceless to me.