Endless Thoughts

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Location: Orlando, Florida, United States

Monday, August 30, 2004

An Insightful Conversation with "The Ex"

I had a rather interesting and thought provoking conversation with Joe a couple of night’s ago. While I was talking to him and he was expressing his opinion he actually sort of pissed me off. Once I got off the phone with him and had time to process and really think about what he had told me though, I realized that he was right.

The main thing he expressed to me was that I was not the same person that I was when I left Alabama and that for the most part it was in with a bad way. He said that it didn’t have anything to do with my relationship with Kenn ending so badly and that he didn’t really know what I did every day down here so maybe he didn’t have an accurate opinion. But he said that it seemed to him that I had given up on my dreams. He asked me what I used to say I would never stop doing and I said, “Teaching flags and dance.” Then he asked why I don’t talk about those things anymore.

Things were complicated when I first got here and I guess I mainly just focused on getting A Job…any job. Now that I’m here and things have settled down though, I think I need to take a look and rearrange my priorities. Color guard (marching band) has always been my true love. It’s why I wear my necklace every day of my life, isn’t it? To remind myself that no matter how bad things get I’m supposed to follow my dreams. There was a point in my life where I couldn’t imagine not being involved teaching guard somewhere. Now, I never even really talk about it or think about it. Is that my way of dealing with the loss it has created? If I don’t think about it and I don’t bring it up then it can’t hurt me, right? Well, it’s right and wrong. I won’t miss it that way, but I also won’t be challenged to pursue my dreams and a job where I can achieve happiness.

And so Joe is right. I’ve forgotten my dreams and I’ve forgotten who I am…and I think a lot of that was what made me special. It was what made me, me. I always said that I’d follow my dreams. I’ve always said that money didn’t matter, that I would rather work a job I actually enjoyed. I’ve always said that teaching and working with my students…watching them develop a passion for something that I’m passionate about…was the best reward in the world. To know that you’ve changed someone’s life, you can’t get a better feeling about a job than that. And yet somehow, over the hustle and bustle and craziness of the last few months I’ve forgotten that. I’m working two retail jobs and at the end of the day, how rewarding is that really? It’s not…it’s nothing like working with my kids…nothing like sharing my passion with my students. One thing that people who used to watch me teach guard always commented on was how passionate I was about it. I never tried to be more successful teaching, I never worked any harder at it than I did anything else, but people would always say that they could see how much I loved what I did when I taught flags. They said my tone of voice would change, my eyes would light up, and that they could tell just by watching me teach how much I loved it. In ten years of color guard, I never remember a single time that I looked at my watch and thought, “Yea! And hour until I get to go home!” Most of the time my students had to stop me and say, “Miss Elizabeth, you’re already fifteen minutes over…we need to go home.”

Sure there were times when teaching was hard. There were times when I was ready to pull my hair out over arguments with students…or worse…parents. There were times when I wasn’t sure if I’d ever made a difference in anyone’s life or taught anyone anything. But you know what? Just knowing that you’ve touched one person…knowing that because of you one more person has the passion for the activity that you do…that makes it all worth it.

Working merchandise, you don’t get feelings of satisfaction like that. You may help a customer, but you’re not going to change anyone’s life. So, come winter time, when contest season is over and concert band is in full swing, I’m going to look for a high school marching band program. Concert season always puts band directors in a happier frame of mind than marching season and they will also know by then whether or not they are going to have a guard person for next year. I have to get involved again somehow. I may be down and depressed and feeling completely out of sync with the rest of my life, but that’s the one thing that has to be right. It’s my truest love and closest to my heart. It’s who I am and if I forget that, then I forget everything.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

The Wonders of Stripped Books

You know how all paperback books have that little paragraph in the beginning that talks about buying the book if the cover has been ripped off? If you don’t, then you either don’t read enough or don’t pay close enough attention to what’s in your books. Well, I’ve kind of always wondered what exactly that paragraph meant and today I found out. Let me tell you of the wonders of “stripped books”.

Once every month or so at the bookstore we go through all of our paperback stock and pull out anything that isn’t selling well. We leave 2 copies on the shelf, but everything else gets pulled to the back. In the back, we rip the cover off the book (this part has the barcode on it) and send it back to the publisher to get credit and then we destroy the book.

When I was first assigned this task today, it horrified me. Tearing up books…can it get much sadder than that? Luckily I was assigned the romance section so I didn’t feel too bad ripping the covers off and tossing them in the box to be recycled. There was also a fiction cart, but fortunately someone else was going to do those.

Well, after I finished ripping them up, one of the guys I worked with came and told me about the wonders of stripped books. You see as it turns out that we can take some of them home with us…up to five actually…per day. How cool is that?! And I thought it didn’t get any better than the 30% off discount. Boy, was I wrong! Anyway, the managers have to sign for them, but we can go through the stripped books and take 5 of them home with us. AWESOME!!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Strange Happenings and Lessons on Love

Got a really weird feeling last night. I talked to Kenn on Friday night so I had figured I probably would give his phone a rest for a while, maybe give him a chance to call me. (Hah! Like that would ever happen. I’ve learned that lesson as well. I feel so stupid learning all these damn lessons over again.) Anyway, I all of a sudden got this strange feeling that I was supposed to call him. I ignored it for a while, hoped it would pass, but it wouldn’t go away. It just kept sitting there, eating at the corners of my mind. So I called…no answer (no surprise there).

After I left a message, I attempted to go to sleep. That’s when the weird things started coming. I guess they were daydreams, perhaps? I wasn’t asleep so I can’t call them dreams, but I wasn’t one hundred percent awake either. Hmmm…

I dream about Kenn every night, nothing new there. I can’t seem to make it go away and so it continues. Dreams about happy times we shared, dreams about good parts, although come to think of it, there were no bad parts when we were together. I think this would all be so much easier if I could just understand what happened to us. If I could just get a good explanation of what I did to make him unhappy with me. If I just knew what I did to make him fall out of love so easily. Anyway, the “dream” would end and for some reason whenever it does it makes me sit straight up in bed when I realize we’re not together anymore and I feel like I’m going to throw up. It’s odd. To feel so upset at my stomach and to be unable to go back to sleep. I just lie there and stare at the ceiling and wish that it would go away.

Why is this so hard? Why can’t he just talk to me and explain things once and for all? Why can’t he just love me again? This is one of the absolute lowest points in my life. I feel empty inside…broken. I can’t imagine that I will ever truly be ok. I know that I won’t ever let anyone else in again…I can’t. Even if I wanted to, this wall will never come down. Same lesson learned twice…I don’t believe in love…well, I guess I have to believe in love because unfortunately I’ve felt it…even more unfortunately I still feel it. But I think love is a bad thing…it’s a weakness…almost like a disease or a sickness. Being in love doesn’t work out…it’s not hearts and curlicues and smiley faces…it’s loneliness and pain…tears shed alone in the dark and no one that cares. That’s what love is…or that’s what love turns into.

I’ve said that it’s a game….maybe “game” is the wrong word…but the theory is correct. It’s all about seeing who can get the most out of the other person while giving the least. It’s all about making sure that you’re the one who comes out on top in the end…the one who doesn’t get hurt. It’s all about making someone else feel the way you want them to when you want them to and resisting feeling what they want you to feel when they want you to feel it. It’s about getting someone to believe in you and fall for you and not make the mistake of falling for them. And to me, that’s a game. Whether anyone wants to acknowledge it or not, that’s what it is. And these things I know I’m right about. I don’t want to be right about them, but I am. It’s that simple.

Everyone is out for themselves…you do what you have to do to make sure things work out right for you. It’s not even a conscious effort…it’s part of that whole survival of the fittest thing. You have to put yourself first to survive and if someone gets hurt along the way…well, that’s just life, isn’t it? But the mistake is made when someone starts to believe that they actually mean something to someone, that the other person cares about them for who they are. The mistake is made when someone forgets that they are just helping someone else get to where they want to be. And that mistake, is fatal.

So…lesson learned…don’t fall in love. I just have to remember it this time. And somehow, if nothing else ever sticks…I think this will. It’s me and Dot from now on. I’ve always said I’m supposed to be alone and I believe that more strongly than ever. There are no prince charmings and no puffy white clouds…no rainbows or smiley faces…and no rings in the future. I’m alone and that’s how it’s supposed to be…that’s how it’s always supposed to have been. Now, if I can just not get myself mixed up in this whole relationship thing again. If I can just decide not to date…to truly be alone…things will be ok.

Damn the Planet People

I’d like to take just a moment to vent my frustrations about my job at The Planet (aka Planet Hollywood). Things have been progressively moving downhill, but they seem to be getting worse by greater extremes these days.

The entire merchandise department is corrupt, I tell you!

Alright…not everyone…Nick and Kristin…I’m letting you guys off the hook. I’m sure there are potentially some others that I am misclassifying at the moment as well…but you just never know these days. There is so much crap going on in that store that there’s no way that anyone who isn’t part of “The Group” will ever get anywhere. Don’t get me wrong…I have no problem with people who work together being friends outside of work, but this extends way beyond that.

Example, please? But of course…

The other night as I was trying to close at 2:30 AM with the supervisor I was working with, we were rudely disturbed by 4 very drunken fellow employees. Now, my first question would be to inquire as to why anyone would want to go to the place they work at 2 in the morning after they’ve been partying all night, but we’ll skip that for now. These “model” employees, and I say that in great jest, included a supervisor, a manager and 2 sales associates, one of which is the only employee in the merchandise department to yet be rewarded for having Planet Hollywood Pride. And what exactly is Planet Hollywood Pride? The ability to out drink your fellow employees and come to work drunk to disturb people who are actually working or the ability to fuck the managers the best? Or perhaps it’s a combination of both…at this point I’m not really sure what qualifies one for PHPdom…but whatever it is, I feel that I probably don’t have it and don’t want it to be more exact.

I’m not really sure how I made it on the shit list…I just know that I’m there. And with things turning out the way they have been lately, I think it might actually say quite a bit about my character (who knew I actually had any) that I’ve been placed there. Michele sucks. She picks and chooses favorites…isn’t that a great way to run a store…some manager qualities those are. Why is it that I’ve been begging to go to Traditions ever since I started and can’t seem to get scheduled for it while others have been scheduled more than once and never seem to go?! WTF is that? Its BS at it’s finest, I suppose.

I believe its time to start searching for a new job…not again…I hate the job search! But I’m pretty sure that I can already see that I’m not going to progress with this company as I had hoped. Oh yes, and isn’t life grand? When one thing falls apart it all goes to hell in a hand basket, doesn’t it? It’s not enough that life sucks badly enough already, let’s see how many other things we can make go wrong in Elizabeth’s life this week.
Well, I don’t know about you, but this is getting depressing enough for me…Good night…I’m out.

Monday, August 23, 2004

More Dreams

Up early this morning…thanks to more dreams. You know, they’re not bad dreams. They’re dreams about good memories, good times, and nothing bad ever happens in them. But for some reason they make me sit straight up in bed and I feel like I’m gonna throw up halfway through. Odd? Perhaps. I think it’s been almost a month now. I don’t really want to try and recall the exact date and I’m still not over him. I’m pretty sure at this point that I will never be. I think three days is probably the longest amount of time it’s taken me to get over someone up to this point and I don’t think I’ve ever cried more than about thirty minutes over a guy. But this is different…as were my feelings towards him and our relationship. I don’t think I will ever feel whole without him again. I want to forget about him, to think of all the pain that he has caused me and just write him out of my life, but I can’t. I love him…and damn love, because it won’t go away. I just want to be with him again…to be happy together again…and I don’t understand it. Life isn’t fair, I know that. Life downright sucks most of the time and I’ve always been one of the first to admit this. But this is so incredibly unfair and it hurts so bad. I’m dying inside. I really am. It’s killing me. I cry every day. It won’t stop and I don’t know how to fix it.

I’ve turned down 4 dates this week…2 with the same guy so I’m not sure if that counts or not. They all seem to be fairly nice guys and it would probably do me some good to attempt to get out, but none of that matters. I want to be with Kenn. And yes, we all know just how stubborn I really am, but this is different. I’ve talked about settling before. He opened so many doors and changed so many things for me and I just can’t see anyone else being able to do that. In 24 years, I’ve met one guy who became that special to me in just a couple of months. I don’t have a lot of hope for finding someone else of that caliber. This is literally ripping my heart out. I thought the pain was supposed to go away over time, but no, it’s not going anywhere. It’s sitting right here, eating slowly away at me. And I can’t continue on this way. My life feels so empty without him.

I know that it’s bad for someone in a relationship to change you, most of the time. And I never would have believed until I met him that good changes could be made, but they can. And while I was with him, they were. I felt differently about him than I ever have about anyone. When I was with him, I was a different person…a better person. I’m not saying that I changed completely…I barely changed at all, but it was little things. Little ways that I opened up to him, little things that I shared with him, things that I wanted to do for him because I loved him. I’ve never been that way with anyone before and I won’t be that way with anyone again.

If me and Kenn never end up back together… and I can’t bear the thought of that because it’s the only tiny happy thought that gets me through the days…then I won’t be with anyone. It’s not that I’m being silly or stubborn, although it may seem that way to many people, but it stems from two reasons. One, as I have said before I don’t want to settle, I want to be with Kenn. Two, I will not allow myself to go through this pain again, ever. Nothing is worth this. No amount of happy time, no great love is worth the heart wrenching pain and depression that I have been experiencing for the last month. I didn’t want to get involved in this to start with. I warned him about that…that someone always gets hurt. It’s not worth it. But he said it was. And I believed him. Maybe I deserve the pain. Maybe I deserve the lesson. It’s definitely one that once learned should never be forgotten. Maybe I am a terrible person and I don’t deserve to be loved. And it’s not just that I can’t be loved, I have to find someone and fall in love and then have my heart ripped out and trampled on…just to really rub it in.

Whatever I did, I would make it better, I would make it right. I’m so, so sorry for all the wrongs I have committed, but no one deserves pain like this. No one deserves to sit and cry for days and days on end. No one deserves to have a happy relationship change with the snap of fingers. To be in love and be happy and then to one day wake up and have all of it gone…and for no apparent or obvious reason. It isn’t fair….it’s just not fair.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Right from the Beginning?

How unlikely is it that a life lesson would be disproven in only a couple months time? Maybe I was right from the beginning. Maybe it is all lies and games...and maybe he's the best player of them all...

The One Thing

The one thing that he said to me that keeps popping into my head and seriously bothering me is that music is the biggest part of his life and it always will be. He never commented directly that it wasn’t a part of my life and maybe I took it completely the wrong way, but it seemed implied that perhaps because of that I didn’t understand him.

I know that I don’t have to defend or prove myself to anyone, but the comment did not settle with me and I need to get my frustrations out somewhere. When I mentioned it to a friend the other day their reaction was that maybe he didn’t know me as well as I thought he did. Anyone who doesn’t see music as a huge part of my life doesn’t know me. Music is a huge part of who I am; it always has been and it always will be.

My mom says that when I was a baby I would have crying fits and the only way to get me to be quiet and stop crying was to sit me between the tow speakers in my parent’s den and put on classical music. She says that I would be quiet almost instantly and that was the only thing that would work. I think that we always know things as babies and young children, but as we grow up we forget those things and at some point have to relearn them. For me, music never faded completely out of my life. I was always taking piano lessons and dance lessons from the time I was very small. But it wasn’t until I became involved in my junior high/senior high marching band when I was 13 that I rediscovered my true PASSION for music.

This is the first year in twelve years that I have not been directly involved in participating in or teaching with a marching band program. I miss it so incredibly much. I’m glad that I am taking this year off…teaching had become stressful and I needed the time to recharge my emotional and creative batteries, but come winter time, I know that I will actively begin searching for a program to be involved with. My life is empty without it. There are so many pieces that I miss…all the summer rehearsals, learning new drill, band tans, weeks of band camp, basics blocks and learning to play scales. Then there’s football season…marching the first game, new stand tunes, bus rides, out of town games, adding new halftime songs and routines until the entire show is in. And the most important…contest season…going to the first contest of the season and dreading hearing “2” behind your section, a potential shot at Best in Class as the season passes and your squad improves. Music is a huge part of who I am. I would not be the same person without it. I may play piano, mallets and a bit of clarinet, but my choreography is the things that brings me closest to music. To listen to a piece and actually feel it in my heart and in my head and to compose a motion to it that makes people see what they are hearing. There is something magical and amazing about that. I used to describe color guard that way to my students by telling them that they were going to perform a visual representation of what they were hearing. When the choreography is good it interprets and expands on the music. You shouldn’t have to think about the movements, they should come naturally, they should be your expressions to the sounds. The best choreography comes naturally when you allow your body to flow without the thought from your mind, without stressing over how it will look. It happens when you feel the music.

I miss it so much….I really, really do.

On Music

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.

Aldous Huxley

On Books

A house without books is like a room without windows.

Horace Mann

From Counting Crows’ Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby

On My Life in General…

Well I woke up in mid-afternoon
‘Cause that’s when it all hurts the most
I dream I never know anyone at the party
And I’m always the host
If dreams are like movies
Then memories are films about ghosts
You can never escape you can only move south down the coast

And On Johnny…

Well I know I don’t know you
And you’re probably not what you seem
Ahh, but I’d sure like to find out
So why don’t you climb down off that movie screen

About Kenn

From Vertical Horizon’s Give You Back

I need to know that you were real
‘Cause I’ve been known to get it wrong
When the memory comes
I’ll say I’m always in the dark
You got me now.

I need to know if you were real
I’d hate to think that I’d been fooled again
And as the vision fades
I’ll say I was blinded by your eyes

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Heart Break

I thought of you last night as I tried to fall asleep. Lying there, in the dark, quiet thoughts faded to soft dreams. I miss you so much still that I fear my heart may never heal from the pain that you have caused it. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life before. I love you so much and yet you say you have no love for me.

Perhaps if our breakup had made more sense I would not be struggling with this as I am. The more I read over the things you wrote me, the more I think about the things you said to me, the things we did together, the moments and memories we shared, I feel more and more at a loss of understanding for the whole picture. I love you, I always will. And at one point you loved me, very much. What happened to that? And is there any chance that I can ever gain that love again? That I could be given another chance? That we could be given another chance? I simply don’t understand what happened between us.

I feel that without you, a part of me is missing as well. There is a void, a gap in my life without you. I will never be whole again without you.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Been a While, Has it?

Yeah, yeah, I know…but dammit…sometimes it’s hard to remember to write in this darned thing. As a result, I have lots to share today though :o) Where to start…where to start…hmmm…

Today was my day off at the Planet. I was going to sleep late, or tan, or do something productive on my long list of errands that I was supposed to run, but the phone rang around noon. It was the guy from Barnes & Nobles (yes, I know the “Noble” part doesn’t have an “S”, but I’ve always thought it sounded so much more fun that way) calling to offer me a job. So, I’m now an official “bookseller” for B & N. I went in and filled out all my paperwork. I’m supposed to be working about 25 hours a week. That should work out well with my job at Planet. I just hope Michele remembers to give me my correct schedule for the next week. Anyway, we get 30% off on books and magazines… “oh happy day, oh happy day” (sounds in a sing-song voice) but here’s the best part. Since they want us to be knowledgeable about our merchandise, we can borrow hard cover books for free. We simply have to slip the jackets off and put our name and the book name on the little list. We have to return them in “sellable” condition in 2 weeks. How awesome is that? It’s like a library, but with new books! And without ever having to actually go to the library. I’m such a dork :o) but I just love books. This job is going to be GREAT!!!

Speaking of bookstores…Has anyone else seen the new issue of Entertainment Weekly? I went to Books-a-Million today…yes, I know that constitutes as being a traitor these days, but it’s no worse than having dinner at the Hard Rock Café the other night I suppose. I had to go pay my last dues, you know, it’s been a faithful bookstore to me over the last several years. Anyway, I went and had a snack in the café and performed my usual inspection of the trashy weekly magazines (People, Star, US Weekly, etc) for beautiful Johnny pics lurking among the trash ;o) Entertainment Weekly has a review on the movies scheduled to come out this fall and our gorgeous Mr. Depp graces the cover. It’s a nice shot, although I personally prefer him with longer hair and the scruffy facial hair look. I’m not complaining however, any picture of Johnny is a good one to me. Especially when it’s an entire glossy cover shot. There appear to be some good movies coming out this fall. I’m rather excited, as it were. Good Stuff. Hopefully Finding Neverland will get Johnny another Oscar nod and a potential little golden man this time.

Speaking of dear Johnny Depp (isn’t this all leading into itself rather well tonight), I met an interesting Disney Security man the other day. He’s always made a point of speaking to me and seeing how things were going, real nice guy (although I think he’s attempting to hit on me). He’s way too old for me though and I’m definitely not interested in anything other than a friendly coworker chat. Yesterday we were chatting and he asked me if J-- had ever called me. I told him that he hadn’t and he said the guy was missing out. Normal chit chat. He asked me if I had another guy I was interested in and I’ve told him the Kenn story many times. I said that if I couldn’t have Kenn I was going to hold out for Johnny Depp. Well, he starts telling me that he worked security detail for Johnny and his pirate co-stars during the filming of the movie. He said that Johnny was a real nice guy and that he still kept in touch with him. He said that he was probably his favorite celebrity that he’d ever had to work for. Anyway, he said that they are filming some of PotC2 at the MGM sound stages and that he would probably be working with him again. He told me that if he did, he would definitely introduce me to him. Now how cool is that? I don’t entirely believe him just yet. I think he could be exaggerating a bit, but we’ll see. I’m not getting my hopes up too high just yet.

Hmmm…what else? I killed a spider tonight…all by myself. Rather proud of that little accomplishment. It was huge, almost an inch around and it had fangs…long ones…dripping blood. Ok, well, I couldn’t actually see them, but I’m sure they were there, and if they had been dripping anything, it would have been blood. So I’m feeling more creative these days, that’s not a bad thing, is it?

I finished The Library Policeman…thank goodness. I bought a new book while I was at BAM today. One by Bentley Little…he’s no master like the Pike, but he’s much better than King, at least in my book. I’m already about 150 pages into it. It’s pretty good. No more Stephen King for this horror lover. I can’t deal with library policemen and red licorice…just not scary to me…but oh well. I’ve been spoiled by Christopher Pike’s great writing for too many years now. Any man who can truly make me terrified of vampire aliens on Mars has real talent.

What’s on the agenda for tomorrow? More work at The Planet I suppose and perhaps a little movie watching tomorrow evening. Nothing too exciting, but then I won’t be sitting around the house mourning either and that’s always a good thing. I’m feeling more positive these days. I don’t understand Kenn…perhaps I never will. But I still feel that we are supposed to be together. It doesn’t matter if it’s days or months or years. I’ll wait for him. I’ve never had a love like his and I don’t want to be with anyone but him. If I sit down and read the things he wrote me months ago and then I look at the way he is now, it’s not the same person. I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope at some point the old Kenn comes back and remembers what he left behind. Today, I’m hopeful…tomorrow, I probably won’t be once again. But for now, it’s that hope that’s keeping me alive. I liked who I was when I was with him. I liked the way he inspired me, the way he challenged me and I only hope that while we are apart I can keep growing as that person that he helped me start to become.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Frightening, isn't it? To think that Hilary Duff actually has things worth quoting...none-the-less, for some reason this part always stands out to me...well, lately at least.

Let’s go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Hurricane Damage

Apparently I greatly underestimated the effects of Hurricane Charley. As I drove to work today I was shocked by the incredible amount of damage that lay only two blocks down the street from my apartment. Huge trees were pulled up by their roots and were lying in the middle of the road. Interstate signs were broken and twisted. Most Orlando residents have lost power for what is supposed to last around 5 days. The theme parks sustained minor damage, with Universal Studios receiving the most…odd since it is literally less than five minutes down the road from my house. All the streetlights are out. Amazingly, unlike what could be expected in Alabama, people are treating them as four way stops. Even on 6 lane highways. It’s amazing, everyone stops and traffic actually flows. Incredible. I had to make a left hand turn from a side road onto a highway on my way to work. I thought that I would never get out, but in less than 15 seconds I was making a safe left hand turn because people here know how to drive. It’s impressive, really. There was a whole forest that I passed on my way to work that was completely destroyed. Trees that used to have power lines running through their branches are split literally in half. And about a mile away there is a huge brick fence that has been completely knocked down.

Joe called around 3 in the morning to see if I was alright. I told him that he and my mom were the only people who had called to check on me and he sounded surprised. He said that the news and weather channel were saying that the damage in Orlando was very bad. It actually hurt my feelings that Kenn didn’t call. Perhaps he genuinely doesn’t care. Ouch. I just don’t understand what happened to us even now.

For months he told me how much he cared about me and loved me and then literally overnight he completely changes…or his feelings completely change. I know he said he thought we had problems, or things that would become problems in the future. But I still don’t understand the abrupt change in feelings. And when I emailed him and even when I went up there to talk to him, I was the only one doing the talking. He never attempted to explain anything. I just wish he could try and explain to me what happened. I really don’t understand. I call and he doesn’t call me back. I email and he doesn’t email me back. And yet he says that he wants to be friends. Well, aren’t friends there for each other? Don’t they care what happens to each other? So why is he ignoring me? If he doesn’t want to be friends then he just needs to say that. Stop ignoring the situation and be honest. If he does want to be friends then he needs to be a friend. But the indifference to the entire situation really stings. It really, really hurts.

On a side note…I’m reading another Stephen King story. Why do I do these things to myself? This one is called The Library Policeman and it’s just as stupid as the rest of the crap that he writes. Why would a writer want to try and scare people from going to the library? I’ve always thought of a library as a wonderful place. But then I suppose if people check his books out from the library, he loses out on royalties. Heaven forbid. So he pumps out another not scary story to try and frighten people with the “library policeman”. Interesting. I would put the damn thing down, but out of the last three books I’ve started I haven’t finished a single one so I feel a bit guilty. I guess the things I’m reading these days are just a disappointment. Note to self: Must go to bookstore and buy more GOOD reading. Anyway, I dislike his style of writing as well…makes it difficult to get through. I find myself reading sentences over and over again before I go, “Oh, that’s what he meant to say…well, why the crap did he word it like that?” Whatever. Another note to self: No more Stephen King. I’ve always disliked his work and I always will. His sense of “horror” only makes me laugh. When will my dear Christopher Pike return with another true horror novel? How I miss his brilliant style of writing and his ability to create fear…

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Views on the Weather and Life

Well the weather has passed through and Charley ended up being a pansy. There was maybe an hour's worth of really note-worthy and rather exciting activity, but overall I was not impressed. It rained a little this afternoon, but the action didn't start until around 8 or 9. The wind started howling pretty nicely and the rain came down hard, swirling in different directions. I opened all the blinds and watched most of the storm from right at the window. The lights in the parking lot provided an excellent view of the wind pushing the rain in all directions. Another really cool effect, which I’m thinking might have been attributed to lightening, was the sky lighting up green. It was really pretty, almost a turquoise shade and for several seconds at a time the entire sky would brighten to that color. The prettiest was at one point when the sky lit up green and then went to purple and back to green and then purple again. It did it about five times just over and over. It was really beautiful, almost like Mother Nature's own personal fireworks show. Very cool...if only I'd had a camera I could have videotaped it.

The wind and rain continued for a little over an hour and then it became completely still. I thought that maybe we were in the eye, but the weather map here shows that it is all gone. My first complaint about Orlando - it never rains enough here. But then my mood has been fairly melancholy lately so perhaps it is just me.

I had a really unique experience tonight that I thought I’d share. I was talking to my mother (who had called to check on me) on the phone and while we were talking my dad came home from work. I heard him open the door and I could hear him start talking to her, but here’s where it gets weird. All of a sudden I had this vision of him standing at the back door taking off his boots, just like he used to do every night when he got home and then all of a sudden I could smell him…just like he was right in my den. How strange is that? It was so weird…I’ve never had a feeling like that before…but I could literally smell him. Just the way he used to smell when he would come home from work every night. Interesting, huh? I’ve tried to imagine smelling other things, but I can’t make it work and even if I try to imagine smelling him now it doesn’t work. It was just for that minute in time that I could really smell him. Strange.

I've been having reception problems with my cell tonight, probably interference from the storm. I ended up with two new messages and no missed calls an hour or so ago. I wanted so badly for one of them to be from Kenn. Even if it meant that I had missed his call, I at least would have known that he had thought about me. Why doesn't he call? I know he doesn't like talking on the phone, but he could at least call every now and then couldn't he?

This is killing me. Just one phone call. I just want to hear from him…to talk to him…just to speak as friends...to see how he is doing and what is going on in his life. Does he know how much I think about him? Does he know that I fall asleep thinking about him and wake up with thoughts of him and dream about him in between? Does he ever think about me? I cannot get him off my mind, no matter how hard I try. He comes up in every conversation...in every thought process. I miss him so incredibly much. I think it is safe to say that I have never had a love like this. I've never let anyone in like this. And what do I get in return? A broken heart, the feeling of complete and utter loneliness, and a friend who doesn't even return my calls. Yes, this hurts worse than any emotional pain ever has in the past.

Why can't I just move on? He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to be with me. I think by now that is pretty clear. Why can't I just accept that and go on? Why does it still have that feeling to it that it can't really be happening? What could I possibly have done that was so bad to warrant a punishment such as this? To completely destroy all feelings of love from the only man who has ever mattered this much to me in literally a manner of days? What atrocity did I commit? For whatever it was, I will make it right. This is almost too much for my heart to bear. The burden is too heavy.

There are moments, small slices of time, when I manage to not think of him. J-- at work can provide a rather nice distraction for a small manner of time. But ultimately, that's all it is, isn't it? A distraction...a cover up so that for a few minutes in time I am not so incredibly sad and lost and alone. I have never in my life felt this way about anyone. But I guess that goes hand in hand with my theory that I am destined to be alone in life. It seems fitting, doesn't it? That the one person I would end up feeling I was destined to be with wouldn't want me. How else could I have expected that theory to hold true? To think that I would simply never find that person would have been too easy and too kind. No, life can't just kick you in the ass, it truly has to beat the shit out of you. I should have started listening to my father's advice much earlier on in life..."Life sucks, then you die."

For an optimistic look on things? Well, that's just not me (especially these days), but I'll try. He has promised me his friendship and if that is all he can ever give me in the future then I know that I am still more blessed than most. To know that for a brief moment I touched his life as something more, that for a brief moment I was what he desired, and for a brief moment I made him happy...I count myself lucky. But the happiness that comes with those thoughts is bittersweet.

I would give just about anything to get a second chance with him. Even if it only lasted a brief moment it would be priceless to me.

Friday, August 13, 2004

Inspiring Weather

Well I’m riding out my first bout of bad weather here in the Sunshine State. It hasn’t been so sunny here lately. This hurricane is supposed to bring some really bad stuff to us, but it all seems kind of exciting to me.

I never really thought about leaving, although I suppose I could have gone home for the day. I guess it’s times like these that it really would be nice to have a TV. I could have been a bit more well prepared…although knowing how often I actually pay attention to weather and news, I doubt it.

Most of the neighbors left earlier this morning. There are still a few people here, I believe. Most of my friends from work are sticking around. It almost tempts me to want to throw a party. The old Elizabeth would never have missed an opportunity for a good party…of course she also had lots of friends who would have encouraged her not to miss the opportunity ;o)

I went out to rent movies an hour or so ago and it actually is starting to look pretty scary out there. Everything is closed. And I mean EVERYTHING. The only places open are gas stations and grocery stores, both of which are packed. The stores that have closed are all taping up their windows and the Methodist church right down the road is putting up boards over their stained glass. The road heading out of town is bumper-to-bumper cars and the road coming in is empty. Hmmm…it all makes me wonder…but Dot is sitting here beside me relaxed and I’m trusting that he knows what’s going on better than me. All the public schools here are closed today. The apartment maintenance people came by earlier and asked us to remove everything from our balconies…not too big of a deal considering that we got letters about that 2 days ago. What is a big deal is calling into work to find out that they closed Walt Disney World down for the rest of the day. The only other day that Disney has been closed in all of history was 9/11. Now the mouse is fairly predictable and he likes to make money no matter the cost. So the fact that he is missing out on an entire evening of money making opportunities…and a Friday evening at that…is significant to me. Perhaps there is going to be something to this little storm.

The sky is completely black one direction…and completely sunny the other. Makes for an interesting contrast. And it brings me to wonder what it must have been like to be on the ocean years ago (before they had radar) to find yourself stuck in a storm. How terrifying must that have been? To look into the sky and see the blackness coming in and know you have nowhere to run or escape to and only a small pirate ship on the vast ocean. Perhaps this will inspire great fanfic writing later on. Hmmm…

Whatever the case, the rain has begun to come down…heavily…and my computer keeps blinking off and on…damn power outages. I suppose being scooped up by 125 mile an hour winds wouldn’t be a bad way to go. It could actually be rather interesting. I wonder how long you live. Do you actually get to see what it’s like to spin around on the inside of the tunnel? Or do you die almost instantly? From shock? Or weird things that happen on the inside of your body? Hmmm…thought provoking.

Anyway, for the moment, it is just hard rain and gusting winds and I find it beautiful.


I'm being more productive these days...if nothing else good is coming of anything. I finally updated my fanfiction. Chapter 17 dead ahead mates...http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1847059/17/

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Here Without You - 3 Doors Down

A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello
I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go

I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won’t take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it’s all said and done
it get hard but it won’t take away my love

I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

I’m here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
but tonight girl it’s only you and me

Good Times

Ahhh...too much to catch up on since I've neglected writing for a couple of days.

I had what I'd like to refer to as a "K-- relapse" the other night. Things have been going well with work, flirting with J--, making new friends and then all of a sudden I'm right back where I started. Don't get me wrong...some things are still going really great. I finally feel like I have found a place I fit in down here. I'm making good friends. I'm going out and doing things. And I finally feel as though I'm beginning to excel at my job. I was brave enough to write my number down and actually hand it to the guy at work that I have a huge crush on. I don't know that he'll ever call and in all honesty I'm not actually sure that I want him to. It was something I had to prove to myself that I could at least do. He's a cutie and the more I hear about him I think we actually could have some things in common. But it all brings me back to those thoughts of where is this going in the grand scheme of things.

I have a few terrible fears that this whole thing with K-- has led me to. First, I don't want to end up settling. Maybe years down the road I will look back and think that this whole thing with K-- was a huge overreaction...but I doubt it. I can't imagine meeting someone that I share so many interests with and have so much in common with that is actually interested in a relationship with me. And should I find someone that is, how will they ever be able to live up to this standard that K-- has set so high. I don't know that I will ever meet someone who will love as strong and as hard as he did. Maybe it's a foolish statement...but I just don't see that happening. I think anyone else for me at this point would just be settling. I will always know what it could be like and I just can't see anyone else being able to live up to those expectations.

Fear Number Two is that I do find someone...or settle for someone since that is definitely more realistic...and at some point K-- really does come back into the picture. I am pretty sure that I will never have feelings for anyone as strongly as I do for him. That leaves me with the option of deeply hurting one of two people...myself or the person that I am with. I would leave someone for K--...I know I would...does that make me a bad person? But if I didn't leave them...because I didn't want to see them hurt...then I only hurt myself. Again...knowing that he is out there and being unable to imagine ever having a love like he gave me.

I guess there is perhaps a Fear Number Three as well. What if K-- comes back and I can't bring myself to be with him because of the fear of his feelings changing again? If he were to want to invest in a relationship again with me...would I be able to let myself fully experience it? Or would I always hold back, scared that he might stop having feelings for me once again?

And so the other night I cried myself to sleep again. I don't think I will ever get over him. As I have said before, if you truly love someone, then that never goes away. And I will always love him. I will always dream of him. I will always think of the things that he told me, the things that he taught me, and wonder what happened between us...wonder what I could have done to make him stay in love with me...to keep him happy with me.
And so what about J--? What do I hope to gain from him? I don't want to hurt anyone...it's not my goal to play the game on anyone else as it has been played on me. I think J-- is cute and I think we could have potential for dating, but I'm not sure that is truly what I'm looking for. I think that perhaps I'm only trying to reassure myself that I can still interest people. That I'm still desirable. But then there are moments when I feel that I am interested in him. That perhaps there could be something there. And then the tears come again. How could anything be there, except for K--? And why does love have to work out this way? All I want is him back...for him to want me back.

Enough philosophizing for the evening...tonight I'm going out with some friends from work to Citywalk. I've never been before so it's something to look forward to. Not to mention it keeps me out of the house and my mind off of K-- for a few hours. I wonder if he thinks of me as often as I think of him.

The whole part time job thing has taken a turn for the worse I believe. I actually worked all the details out with my manager, but now the guy from Barnes & Nobles is being all weird. Hmmm... Well, even if it doesn't work out at least I will have a predictable schedule so I will be able to look for other jobs. That's positive I suppose.

On another note of sadness...school has started...and with that football season and memories of marching band. I think that I have been trying to ignore it, but it's coming on full force with the fall. How I miss it. The smells of freshly cut grass, diesel fuel on the buses, new flags and uniforms. The sounds of football games, of new stand music and half time shows that have yet to be polished or even in tune. This will be the first time in 14 years that I have not been involved with a marching band program and I could honestly cry over all that I know I'm missing. What I wouldn't give to be standing in Cramton Bowl next Friday night, hiking to the top of the bleachers and running out of breath, watching all the mistakes and yelling and fuming that we're never going to be ready for contest. Working my ass and the kids off the next week at practice to make sure that it looks better for the next game. I miss it...so much.

And the sadness and memories begin to set it. Odd how the feelings of marching band and K-- mingle together to provide an unusually nostalgic sense. I feel that two of the greatest things I have ever been a part of are missing in my life. I don't see myself as a whole person without either of them and there is a gaping hole in my heart that they have both left...one of my own choice and the other not so much. To have either of them back at this point would be a great comfort and relief, but I'm just not sure how to get them back and so for the moment I will remain...broken.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

A Quote that Reminds Me of Johnny

"What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the words I have read in my life."

Walt Whitman

Another Peachy Night

Haha! Got home at 11:30 tonight...things are looking up! I had another good night at work. I got a perfect score on the snapshot Danielle wrote up on me. She said she's never given one of those out before. The comments she wrote were very nice. One of them even said she thought of me as a role model...wow...

I had to work at On Location so I didn't get to see J-- as much as normal :o( It was sad. I did however go up and give him my number tonight. We'll see if he calls. Bold move on my part but I'll probably get shot down. Oh well...it's all just an attempt to cure my K-- pain anyway.

Had my interview with Barnes and Noble. I think that might actually work out :o) I would love to work at a bookstore! The guy was really nice and sounded optimistic about the job.

Anyway...long day...little sleep...tomorrow is a day off :o)

Monday, August 09, 2004

Good Night at Work

Well I suppose I will take advantage of this little opportunity and keep writing in this as a journal although at times it will be much better written and more philosophical than others…

Tonight was a really good night at work for me. I actually won the contest we were having. I had $1500 in sales, a $38.50 ADS and a 2.3 UPT. I got some really good sales at the end of the night and that boosted me up a lot. Anyway, I won a $25 gift certificate to Planet Hollywood…not sure exactly what I’ll do with that, but at least I get the recognition for winning.

More flirting with J--…hmmm…not sure this will actually really go anywhere…but it’s working some small wonders to help me forget about K-- at the moment. Who am I kidding? I can’t forget K-- and as soon as I remember that it makes me cry again. I wonder if he took everything he said to me as seriously as I did. I think that was why I was trying to always ask for confirmation on things…because I knew how seriously the things he was saying meant to me. I wonder if he meant for me to take them that way or not. I hate love. Why does it have to hurt so damn bad? Grrr… Maybe I was right from the beginning and it really is all just a game. Maybe there is no love that lasts forever between two people. Who knows? Getting way too analytical for 3:40 in the morning.

I have my job interview at Barnes and Noble tomorrow morning at 11:30…ugh…so early. I hope it goes well. Just another sign that the Lord really is looking out for me. Friday I was telling my friend Nick that I wanted to get a part time job at a bookstore somewhere because I needed more money than I’m getting at just the Planet. Then Saturday I get a call from B & N about the application I put in a month ago. I just hope that PH will work my schedule out if the interview goes well. I’m going to need more money and how cool would it be to work at a bookstore?! I would love the discount!

Alright…the bed is calling…loudly. More tomorrow….

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Good Friends

As I was driving back home from Birmingham the other day I did realize one very positive discovery that this whole little ordeal has led me to…I have an excellent support system…a group of friends who are there for me no matter what. It is easy to find friends to go out and have a good time with…to party and drink and enjoy each other’s company. It is not so easy to find friends who are going to stick around and help you pick up the pieces when something goes wrong this badly.

I know that most of you will never read this, but you are in my thoughts, none-the-less…I love you guys and thanks for being there.

Mark & Melissa…Even though we only met a little less than a year ago and we are now 2000 miles apart, I feel as if I have known you forever. You were close friends in Montgomery and you remain close friends now. Thank you for always listening and advising. It means a lot that you have been there for me.

Scott…You have been there for me from the first day we met. You truly are like a brother to me and you know I will always have mad love for you.

Nick…I am so lucky to have moved to Orlando and met a good friend like you. Thank you for listening and being a true friend. As I have told you before, if you ever need anything, you know I’m there.

Alex…How could I be so blessed to have made two great friends already? Thank you for being there.

Joe…I know you have ulterior motives, but your friendship means a lot, none-the-less. I must admit that when we broke up I doubted that you would always be there as you said you would, but you have stayed true to your word. Thank you.

Carolyn…You’ve been there for me for practically my whole life! I love you and appreciate your prayers that you have always been so faithful to give.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Back to the Game

There are moments when I feel like I’m going to be ok…that this too shall pass and life will go on. And then there are those moments when I feel that my world is surely going to end and I will never be the same person again.

How many times do I need to learn this lesson? That love sucks! I have known this in the past…I have learned this before. It feels great for a little while and then it completely fucks you over in the long run. And why am I always the one who gets hurt? Whether I break up with someone or get broken up with…I always end up hurt. Does the other person hurt just as badly? Why does it always feel that they are just moving on with their life and I am the one left picking up pieces of myself?

And so I move on…back to the game. I may completely suck at love…but I know how to play the game. And I am fairly good at the game. It’s only when I let feelings get involved that I manage to fuck things up.

No more falling in love…no, I’m fairly sure there’ll be no more of that for me. I’ve said that before and then I got weak and started believing someone. I thought that it would be different…I thought that it would last a long time…but it never is, is it, and it never does. And I knew that going in and I let myself be convinced that wouldn’t be the case. Lesson learned…again. I won’t put myself in that position again.

I have said that I was destined to be alone in the long run and I think I believe that more firmly than ever now. What are the odds that I would find the one person who would make me think that I could share my life with them? And then they reject me. So how much greater are the odds that there would be someone else out there like that? Very slim, I tell you, very slim. And so it’s just me and Dot…I hope he hangs in there for a long time because there are times when he is most definitely the only reason I come home at night and get up in the mornings.
Now to make sure I remember the lesson. I’ve put it in writing this time around and I’m getting my ring sized this week. I’ve even thought about a tattoo to mark the occasion, but I’m not sure I want to do something quite that permanent. We shall see…

Friday, August 06, 2004

Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) - Vertical Horizon

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever hadThe best I ever

What it Takes - Aerosmith

There goes my old girlfriend
well there's another diamond ring
and all those late night promises
I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby what's the story?
Did you find another man?
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made
when you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away

I used to feel your fire
but now it's cold inside
and you're back on the street
like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
without thinking you lost everything that was good
in your life to the toss of the dice
Tell me what it takes to let you go

Girl before I met you
I was F.I.N.E. fine
but your love made me a prisoner
Yeah my heart's been doin' time
Spent me up like money
Well then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
'cause you had me deep with the devil in your eyes

Tell me that you're happy that you're on your own
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me
Tell me who's to blame for thinking twice (no no no no)
'cause i don't wanna burn in paradise(let it go let it go ... )

"Even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you meant to me."

The Trip to Birmingham

1200 Miles…$100 worth of gas…and $6 in tolls…All to come to the same damn conclusion in the end.

My life still feels as if it is coming to an end.

How odd it felt to sleep in his bed with him last night and still have the eerie dreams. The feeling of waking up and thinking I was in Birmingham and actually being there. Fading in and out of sleep to see him lying there beside me and knowing how badly I want to hold him, but not being able to. Wanting to touch his arm, to run my fingers through his hair, to snuggle up against him, to have him hold me. I wish that for only a moment I could have pretended that things weren’t the way they were…to pretend that he loved me still and desired me as much as I still do him. But that is not the way things are…

Where do I go from here? And how do I even begin to attempt to pick up the pieces that lay shattered around me? I thought that I had met someone who thought I was special. I thought that I had finally met someone that I meant something to…that I meant as much to them as they meant to me. Someone who saw something different in me…someone who loved that something different in me.

I just really thought that if he could be with me and see how good things were again, he would change his mind.

Is it possible that I was right from the beginning? That love doesn’t really exist? At least not in a form where two people can truly love one another forever.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Why I have to go

Why do I have to go up there? Why can’t I just move on?

I have to try and fix things between us. It would be so much easier if he would just talk to me. Just let me know what he needs. But he won’t. I honestly don’t know what he needs, but I need to show him how I feel.

From the beginning he has been the strong one, the one to always make sure I knew how he felt. He has called himself the hopeless romantic…a true believer in love. Does he need to know that I feel the same about him? Does he need reassurance that my feelings are just as strong? From the first day, I’ve told him how scared I was of love…how cynical I was toward relationships…did he finally start to believe me?

I want him to know how much he means to me. I want him to know that he changed my beliefs on love. That he made me believe that it does exist…that it’s worth fighting for…that it’s worth feeling…that it’s not a negative thing…and that it doesn’t always have to be a game. I want him to know what he means to me. I want him to know that I’m willing to stick by him in the long run. That I’m willing to work through things and fix things. That I don’t want to meet anybody else and I don’t want to be with anybody else, I just want to be with him. He brought out so many positive things in me and I like who I am when I am around him. He taught me a lot about myself and brought out good things in me. So many things in my life were beginning to look up and be brighter and I know that was true for him as well. We inspired each other…in many ways…to be better people, to focus on what we loved, to make things better around us. You don’t find that with many people…someone who builds you up and your life up instead of dragging you down. I want to be by his side and have him by my side, helping each other through life…being there to support each other through our ups and downs.

I want him to remember how he felt about me. I don’t know where those feelings are hiding, but I know they have to be there somewhere. They can’t just disappear like that. So many things remind me of things he said, things he wrote. I was someone special to him. I know I was. Conversations he told me that he had had with his friends or with his family…things he told me when we were alone together. I know he loved me, I know he still does. Now it is my turn to show him that whatever problems he things are there are worth working through. That our love is strong enough to make it worthwhile. I feel like perhaps this is a time when he needs my support. When he needs to know that I’m there for him and that he doesn’t have to be the only strong one in the relationship…that he’s not the only one who believes in the power of love anymore.

I want him to know that whatever problems we have I am going to be willing to work through them. That we can resolve our differences. That I’m not going to let my parents come between us or let my relationship with my parents affect my relationship with him.

I need to tell him how empty I feel without him. That things aren’t right without him in my life. That I can’t stop dreaming about him or waking up and feeling that I am with him.

If he is dead set against us not being together then I don’t want to ruin our potential friendship together. He has been a good friend in the past and if that truly is all he can offer me then I will have to be able to accept that.

But I need to tell him that I love him…And that I’m not scared to be in love with him anymore. He deserves to hear that much in person.

Monday, August 02, 2004

Better than Depp

Why does this have to be ok in the end? And why do I have to know this will work out in the long run? Because without him, I am missing a part of me. We fit together. Before I met him I didn't even know a part of me was missing, but now that he is gone, that hole is empty and I feel that it is empty with an incredible pain.

He taught me so many things in such a short period of time. Does he know how he touched my life? Does he know the creativeness he inspired in me? Does he know that he is the only person who has made me believe in love? The only person who has made me believe that love is worth feeling? Even now, even as I feel so hurt, I know that his love was worth it. I've never been able to say that about anyone else in my life...never believed it was true about anyone else in my life.

I don't want that to be over. He said this to me once and now I am going to say it about him...I want to learn with him and grow with him. We have so much to offer one another. So much to give.

Does he know how completely brilliant I think he is? Does he know that I think he's possibly one of the most talented, creative, and gifted people that I've ever met? His mind completely amazes me. He's truly a creative genius, a mastermind. And how fortunate I am to have met him...to have him share his love with me.

And although I know how trivial and silly this may sound...does he know that he has beaten out Johnny Depp? If I were to be given the option right now to spend one day with either him or Johnny I would choose him. It may not seem significant on the surface, but it is. I can't believe I'm putting this in writing, but I am. No man...and I mean no man...has ever been able to win my thoughts over Johnny. And yet he has.

He follows his dreams. Does he know how much I admire and respect that? Does he know how good it felt, how comforting, to have someone who understood me for once? Who understood what I wanted from life? A kindred soul…a dreamer…like myself.

Does he know how much I miss him? I miss so many things little and big. I miss watching him fall asleep at night. I miss the way that after he played a show and went to bed the way that his fingers would start to twitch as if he was still playing. I miss waking up next to him and only wanting to snuggle closer. I miss those kisses…the way my heart felt as if it was going to go through the ceiling every time our lips met. I miss hearing his voice. Hugging him. Sitting in his lap. Cuddling with him. Watching him get completely lost in his music as he plays with his band. Being able to ask his advice. Watching him put on his robe in the mornings and stumble around his room until he got that first cigarette and sip of caffeine. So many, many things. And these would all be things I would miss no matter what…but knowing that I may never get the opportunity to share those moments again kills me.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Day 7

Did I do something to hurt you while you were here? What did I do that was so incredibly bad that it made you decide that it wasn't worth working things out? What did I do to make you think that you have fallen out of love with me? The man that I loved the most in my past did some really terrible things to me...I lost my job because of him and he cheated on me (just to name 2), but it didn't make me love him any less. It may have made me see that we weren't supposed to be together and it may have made me wish I didn't feel that way, but it didn't make those feelings go away.

Whatever wrong I committed, I will make it right. Whatever I need to do to fix things, I will. It was a terrible week last week. I had a ton of stress on me with work. All the training and the tests...if I am going to be able to support myself with this job, then I need to get a promotion or at least a raise as soon as possible. I had to work the first 5 days he was here and I was worried that he was going to think I was putting him off or that he was going to feel like he wasted a week by coming down and never getting to see me. He was dealing with the effects of medication and withdrawal from nicotine as well as stresses from work and home. It was not an accurate portrayal of us as a couple. We know that from the time we've spent together in the past.

I know the religion thing was a huge issue to him. I wish that I could take back that argument. I'm so incredibly sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Whatever I need to do to make that up to him, I will. I'm not going to change my beliefs or deny my faith, but I'm not going to make it an issue in our relationship. I'm not going to push them on him or ask him to see things my way. I may believe that my religion is right and others are wrong, but unlike most people I know, I see that people of other religions believe just as strongly that they are right and I am wrong. And to them, their opinions are just as valid and just as correct as mine are to me. For the record, this is where I end up in a most heated debate with other Christians. It's why I believe our country can't be run based on Christianity. You can't dictate a religion and decide what is best for everyone. People have to be able to make those decisions for themselves. Their faith is just as strong mine, we just believe different things and it isn't right to tell them what they must believe in.

As for politics...My Republican friends tell me I'm a liberal. My Democratic friends tell me I'm a conservative. I guess that in reality I fall somewhere in the middle. But I'm not going to argue with anyone over politics. So I believe in capital punishment and he doesn't? When is it necessary to really get into a heated discussion over a topic like that? I also think that they should let George Jung out of jail. I almost wrote the man a letter myself (were it not for my fears of the government conspiring against us all). The man has served his debt to society, now let him repay his debt to his family. We have discussed politics before and discovered that many of our views on it were the same...about the war, about Bush, about making abortion illegal and taking prayer out of schools. The last time I went to vote, I even ended up voting Libertarian. I don't think that our political views are all that different.

The parental issue was obviously a problem as well. It's such a screwed up relationship that I wish he wouldn't try to analyze, much less attempt to compare our relationship with. What matters is that no matter how much my parents disapprove and no matter what they say, I'm not going to deny him. They know even now how much I love him and how wrong I feel it is that we aren't together at the moment. And they can disagree with me all they want...it doesn't matter...he is worth disagreeing over. I know he was disappointed that they shut him out so fast, I know that bothered him. But it doesn't change anything for me. It doesn't make me feel any different towards him and it will never make me love him any less.

Day 6...nightfall

This can't be happening. I feel like any moment now I'm going to wake up and the nightmare is going to be over. Or I'm going to check the mail or get a phone call saying, "April Fools!"...even though it's August. It really does feel completely unreal to me.

I don't believe that he has no feelings for me. And it's not that I don't want to believe that’s the way things are. It's that I actually don't believe that's the way things are.

I'm a very pessimistic person and it's normal for me to believe that things are going shitty in my life. It would be perfectly normal for me to believe that things were going this way...and yet, I don't. It would be typical for me to say that he never meant anything he said to start with...and yet, I can't say that.

When things ended with D-- (and I use him as an example because he is the one person in my past that I know I loved like this) I may not have wanted it to be over, but I knew that it was and that it needed to be. I didn't have a problem acknowledging that things were the way they were. I told him at the time and I still tell him today (in a more joking manner, but still meaning it very seriously) that I got played. He can tell me that's not the way it was...that he cared about me...but that's not true. I got played. He knew what he was doing and he played the game and he won. It’s as simple as that. And I may have been in love with him, and those feelings may still be a part of me today...it's the reason that I know I have to stay away from the opportunity to really be around him. But at the same time, I know I got played....and I always knew that. As badly as it hurt and as badly as I didn't want it to be true, I knew it was.

With K-- it's different. It's not that I don't want to believe it, it's that I don't believe it. The more I think about all the things we talked about, the harder it gets to believe. We had talked about moving in together, about having our cell phone bills put together, about how we felt about combining our bank accounts if we got married (which we both agreed was a bad idea to), about plans for major holidays, about how to celebrate Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve. You don't just talk about that kind of stuff if you're planning a casual relationship. You don't talk about that kind of stuff unless you're really serious about someone.

So I go back to the problems and issues that aren't really problems or issues just yet and I wonder once again if he is subconsciously scared that this is going to work out like one of his past marriages. I know that he and his last ex had some problems with religion and I know that that is something we would need to work out because it is a problem for him. I also know she kept things from her parents about him and I can't help but to wonder if he thinks that I will do the same. I know he knows my parents don't approve and yet it doesn't matter. I have been very careful to be straight with them about him from the beginning. I've told my mom that I know she doesn't like him, but I really do and that's all that matters. And I've been honest and upfront with her that we were together and that we were a couple and that he wasn't going anywhere. He means enough to me that I'm not going to deny our relationship.

Another thing I have always experienced in my past breakups…no matter who broke up with who…is that I have been able to look at things and be glad that I wouldn’t have to go through certain things anymore. I have been able to look at situations and be thankful that certain things were over. Again, with him, it’s different. Everything reminds me of him…my watch, my Jiminy pin, pictures on my walls, CDs, posters, songs…everything brings him to my mind. But it’s also thinking about things that I may never get to share with him again that make me start to tear up. I can’t live like this. And it’s small things too. What I wouldn’t give to be able to see him play with his band. To sit on his couch with his head on my lap watching a movie. To run my fingers through his hair. To watch him sit as his computer as he works on something…not even noticing that I’m paying attention. To see him argue and joke with his roommate. To see him play with his cats. How cheesy is that? I can’t imagine not getting to share those things with him again.
I miss him so much and I know we can work through this. I know we can…if he will just let us. I’m in this for the long run…whatever he needs from me…whatever he needs from us…I am there for him. And he mentioned that he thought one of both of us would have to change in the future for us to be together and I don’t believe that’s the case either. We both know that changing who you are doesn’t fix things. I don’t want him to change. I love him just the way he is. I don’t think I ever told him…or if I did, I didn’t tell him enough…how wonderful I think he really is. How amazingly brilliant his mind is. What a caring person he is. I’m sure there will be more on this tomorrow…but the hour is drawing late and for some odd reason, I always really struggle to tell people what I think of them… when it’s good at least. But I don’t think vast changes are required for us to be together. We may need to accept each other and understand each other, but we already knew a lot about each other before we started dating. That was what was so great about being friends first. We knew who the other person was and we knew what we were getting into. We knew we were compatible. Please just don’t let that one bad week destroy us…please, please, please. Let us get through it. I know if we do it will be worth it on the other side.

An email from Scott

Hey sweety,

I hope you are doing better now than last time we spoke. I'm sorry that you are so down, I wish I was there to give you a shoulder to lean on. Like I have always told you, Elizabeth, you are a beautiful, intelligent, and very kind person. You will meet someone, one day, that will realize how great you are and will refuse to let you go. Until that day, don't let yourself get down about the ones who don't make the final cut. I realize that you thought this was the one, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be. You will recover, and you will find THE one. I hope you are better, write back when you get the chance.

Love Always,

“When I met you, I was scared to hug you.
When I hugged you I was scared to kiss you.
When I kissed you I was scared to love you.
And now that I love you, I’m afraid to lose you.”