Endless Thoughts

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Location: Orlando, Florida, United States

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Day 6

Why do I feel that my heart is breaking all over again every morning when I wake up? Why are the dreams and images that I am waking up with him in his bed in Birmingham so vivid that it is a complete surprise to find myself in my own room?

Why is he doing this to us? To me? To himself?

Everything that he’s given me and everything that he has said is a constant reminder of him. Small gifts and mementos lie scattered around my house and it seems that at every turn I encounter something that is his. At one point his house was scattered with reminders of me. Has he gotten rid of those already? He had so many pictures of me pasted around his room and in his office. Does he still look at me? Or was I easy to pack in a box or throw away and forget about?

I refuse to believe that he wasn’t being sincere with his feelings in the beginning. There was too much there between us for it all to have been lies. And I can’t believe that he feels nothing for me now.

I am going to have to go there. Probably on my day off this week. I can’t live this way. I can’t live knowing that the one person I have felt I was supposed to be with in my life and I are having problems. This can’t be resolved over the computer and it shouldn’t even be resolved over the phone. I have to talk to him in person. We have to work this out.

How do I make him see that it’s not right if we’re not together? Or maybe I don’t even need to make him see that…maybe he knows that himself. Is that the reason for the avoidance? I can’t deal with this…it’s driving me crazy.

I’ve never in my life felt so strongly that I was meant to be with someone. I’ve never in my life thought I have found that man who would be a perfect future mate for me. I didn’t even think that person existed. Now, I’ve found him and we’re going through this.

I don’t get like this about guys or boyfriends. I may cry a tear or two…I usually don’t cry at all though. But this is a real deep soul kind of hurt. There have been other guys that I really liked…guys that I wanted to work things out with…but I have been able to look at the situation and know that it was for the better if we weren’t together. I can’t do this with this situation. It’s not better if we’re not together. It’s wrong. It feels completely wrong.

Day 5

Why do I feel nauseous all the time these days? I eat and then I throw up...nothing stays down. Just thinking about this entire situation makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm staying at home again, once again ignoring the desire that only gets stronger with each passing day to drive up there to see him. I don't know that I am making the right decision by staying here and yet I don't know that I would be making the right decision by going home either. I really thought that this desire to drive back to Alabama in an attempt to fix things would go away, but it hasn't. Does that mean that it is the right thing to do?

Everyone tells me to give him time. Is that what he needs? I can give him whatever he needs as long as I know that he is coming back to me at some point. But I can't live without him. I can't see myself not being with him.

If I go up there then it seems like what's right in my heart. I show him that I really care. I show him that I'm willing to put it all on the line because I love him. Would that make him happy? Would that make him realize that we should be together? Could he look me in the eye and tell me that he felt nothing for me?

But what if I go up there and he simply needs space and time to figure out that we are meant for each other? Then by going up there I only push him into pushing me even further away.

I don't know what to do. One minute I'm headed out the door to meet him and the next I've decided to wait for him to come around. I just want things to work out between us.

Everything reminds me of him. Everything makes me think of things he told me or ways he made me feel. I wake up thinking he's right there beside me and can only cry when I realize he's not.

I just can't believe that he doesn't feel anything for me. If you truly love someone then you can't just make those feelings disappear. And isn't that the point? You can't change how you feel and love doesn't just disappear...even if you want it to.

Did I just hit on something there?

I don't believe that for three months he wrote me things and told me things that he didn't mean. He said himself that he meant them. And I've said all along that I didn't believe that he could really not feel anything for me all of a sudden.

So what is it? Is he scared of his feelings? Is he scared of my feelings? I'm not going anywhere. As I said earlier I'm in this for the long run. Whatever he needs from me I'm there for him. I will prove to him that I love him and I will convince him over time to believe in all those things he taught me to believe in in the beginning.

And so the age-old question comes back up...Do I go up there and prove my love to him? Perhaps that's not the best solution at this point. Perhaps he needs time to be more open to that.

These problems that he sees...there's only one that I can see might need to be dealt with. Everything else is only potential problems...things that may never happen. And as long as those feelings are still in place, then can't we find a way to work things out? Doesn't it become worth working it all out for?

That awkward week we shared...if we can just get through that...then things can be worked out. I wish I could erase that week, but I can't. And maybe it's better that I can't...maybe we needed that awkward week to prove that we can make it in the long run. Maybe that awkward week will end up being a good thing in the end.

Now if I can only figure out what to do from here. Is time what's best? Letting him discover that he does miss me? That he does need me? A part of me still feels that I need to go up there though. That that's why he's putting me off...to keep building the wall. And yet every piece of advice I have gotten has told me to sit tight...to wait for him to come back to me. But what if this is a test? What if he is backing away to see if I'm sincere?

Why does love have to be so confusing?

But he is worth risking everything for. His love is the world to me and it is worth fighting for and crying over. I wish he would just tell me what he needs. Whatever it is...I am there. I would pack up everything I own to move in with him. Nothing I have down here is as important to me as he is. And it's not that I'm changing for him because I've learned that lesson. You can't make things work out by changing for someone...you'll both only end up regretting it in the long run. It's the fact that ultimately he's worth sacrificing for and making compromises for. Orlando holds no special meaning to me, despite what many people seem to think. It was a means to an end….I knew I couldn't stay in Montgomery anymore. At first I wanted to dance for Disney...when that didn't work, Orlando just seemed like a good place to move. Am I happy here? Sure...but this place holds no attachments over me. I am free to go wherever I wish. I could have just as easily chosen Atlanta or Charleston or Phoenix or Memphis or Dayton. Orlando just happened to be the city I chose. And so if that was what he wanted, I could leave just as easily as I came.

If he needs space I can give him that too. I know his life is full of stress right now and the last thing I want to do is add to that stress. So if he needs to take care of things...work, Sidewalk, etc…then I can wait for him. I can give him time to do all of that and time to be by himself. I'll drop him an email or a phone call several times a week to let him know that I'm here and I care about him, but I will let him have that space that he needs. And whatever days I have off, he will always know that I will be willing to come up and visit if that's what he wants. But only if he wants me to and I won't pressure him to come see me or let me come see him.

I feel like neither of us were our true selves last week. We both seemed weird and slightly off...me from having to work and focus on training and him from the medication and nicotine withdrawals. That's why I wish he wasn't making such a big decision based on that week. We've known each other for a while and we've spent enough time together to know that we're way more compatible than we were last week. He even told me at one point that he thought it was good we had become friends first instead of jumping into dating right off because as a result we got to know each other better and find out that we were compatible and that a relationship was worth investing in.

So why the sudden shift that Friday? Was it the long drive that made him realize how far we really were away from each other? One of the first comments he made to me that week was that I was going to be down there for 2 weeks before I found some really hot guy and decided to leave him. I blew the comment off, but there were several more made in the same vein later on in the week. Is he afraid that I'm going to find someone else? Because that's not going to happen. I don't want anyone but him. I mean I really could see myself marrying this guy. It doesn't matter that he's been divorced twice and it doesn't matter that we have our differences. I could see myself marrying him.

Was it the effect of the external stress placed on the both of us that caused us to react differently to one another? And then once we began acting differently it just snowballed? I know that since he was only going to be here for a week I treated him differently than I would have if we had been living together. It felt like there was so much to cram into that week that we both wanted to get done. I know that I spent all my free time that I wasn't at work with him and that is never something I would do if we had had more time together. I need space and solitude, but I was trying to enjoy the limited amount of time we had together. As a result, I think situations got misinterpreted and he might have seen things being a way in the future that isn't necessarily accurate.

Argh, I'm getting a headache...too many tears and too much pouring my feelings out onto paper. I just want him to see how much I love him and that all the things he told me in the beginning were true. Love is worth the potential of getting hurt over...it is worth risking everything for...even if it doesn't work out.

And yet for some strangely optimistic reason at the moment, I think this will work out. It has to, I can't see myself not being with him and I can't see my life without him in it. It's not an option to me. And I'm not going to give up on him and I'm not going to give up on us...not even if he thinks he wants me to. Because I love him and I can't not believe that somewhere inside he feels the same way...because after all…Real Love is Forever.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Morning Day 5

The early mornings and late nights are the worst. More dreams…and when I awaken why do I think that he is right there beside me? Why does it hurt so bad to rub my eyes and find that there is no one there? And why does it feel so wrong and so empty?

I can't keep going on like this and yet I don't know how to make it stop. I don't remember a time in my life where a breakup has left me feeling this empty and this alone. And it still feels so incredibly wrong. Why am I having such a hard time accepting this?

I keep thinking that it can't really be over...it's not possible that things have really come to a close. At least not permanently. I can't accept that...I can't believe that...I won't. I don't believe that he feels nothing for me. I think he may want to feel nothing for me, but I can't believe that after everything he told me and everything we shared that he can feel nothing at this point.

And yet how do I make him see that side of things? I can't.

I feel like the only hope I have of getting him back is to leave him alone and give him the chance to figure out what he wants. And in the meantime, the distance that is building is killing me inside. I cannot imagine that I will come out of this the same person as I went in. He has taken a huge part of me. We talked about that at one point. About the way that I put a part of myself into relationships and that if this one didn't work out I thought it could be the end of me. I have nothing more to give...he has taken it all...and yet there is no way for him to give it back.

A part of me is afraid that this will work out and he will want to be with me, but it will have been too long and those emotional doors will be closed again. And once I find a way to close them I'm not sure that they will ever be able to be reopened again.

This is literally killing me. People keep telling me that I'm going to be ok, but I'm really not sure that I am. He knows me well so shouldn't he know that I'm dying inside? Does he really just not care? Does he know that just the shortest phone call could work wonders for my heart? The distance created is killing me.

I really saw this relationship going into the future. I thought I was going to marry this man. Is that foolish of me? I couldn't even see myself marrying the two guys I was engaged to, but I saw it with this man. We had something special...we still have something special. Why is he trying so hard to ignore it? It is so rare and so hard to find that one person that you are meant to be with in life. We found each other and now I feel that he is trying to deny himself of that.

I don't know what to do. I know that where I am right now is unhealthy. I haven't been able to stop crying for five days now. I can't eat. The dreams won't go away. The feelings of loneliness. The feelings that this isn't really happening. And ultimately knowing that this is WRONG! We are supposed to be together, but I don't know how to make him see that. I want to call him, to tell him these things on the phone. I want to drive to Birmingham and look in his eyes and see if he really means the things he says. I want to email these things that I have written to him so he will know how badly I am hurting.

What does he want from me?

Does he want me to prove how much I care for him? Does he want me to give him space so he can focus on other things in his life? Does he want me to disappear? Does he want to know that we can work through our problems?

The thing is, the problems he brought up we could make it through. Some of them haven't even become problems yet and I'm fairly sure that with some good communication they wouldn't become problems. He said that we had nothing in common and I know that's not true. We have tons in common...it's why all our friends thought we would make such a good couple to start with. We have so much in common, that at the beginning I was worried it would be the reason that we wouldn't work out. It makes it seem like he is just making excuses and trying to find reasons that we won't work out.

Something about the whole thing just isn't right. And I feel like if he would just talk to me on the phone or in person, we could work things out. Does he know that? Is that why he won't talk to me? Is that why he keeps having things to do or reasons why he can't talk to me? I just want to snap my fingers and somehow make him see how wrong things are right now. I want to drive up there and see him and show him how much I care and how much he means to me. I simply can't believe that he has no feelings for me. I need to be able to look in his eyes when he says those words.

But I feel like he needs me to stay away. I feel that if there is ever any hope of us getting back together I need to give him some time. And yet I don't know that I can do that. I need to know for myself...I need to see for myself...if the emotion really is gone.

If I went, it would be a huge gamble. If it turned out right, I would win everything. But if it turned out wrong, I could lose every chance I ever have of getting him back. But I don't know if it's possible for me to go on like this...

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Day 4

I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and step out of this nightmare that has become my life any moment now. Seconds turn into minutes into hours into days as I sit alone and depressed, unable to convince myself to do anything but cry. What am I crying over? A relationship that lasted two months? For five years I have kept all my feelings and emotions, anything that might possibly resemble love, locked tightly away in this little box inside my chest. Does this mean that I didn't love Joe who I dated for two and a half years? I don't know...with Joe things progressed at a normal pace. We fell in love and we fell out of love. Things didn't work out but it was expected, we could see our feelings toward one another shifting.

Then I meet a man who at first I don't even notice myself falling for. We go out as friends, but no matter whether we are alone or with others it has this strange feel of a date to it. Perhaps that first time I asked him to stay in Montgomery and have dinner and go to the movies I was subconsciously asking him out and didn't even genuinely realize it. So things progress and as they do I find myself terrified at the feelings that begin to pour out of him to me. I find myself crying in his arms, so afraid that I'm going to be hurt in the end and he reassures me. I tell him that all the hurt and the pain that comes at the end isn't worth those few great moments you share together and he insists that it is. I tell him that it's not possible for him to fall for me as quickly as he is and he comforts me that his feelings are sincere. He leaves my heart pounding after every kiss and my body shaking harder than I remembered was possible after every intimate moment we are together. He sends me beautiful emails and letters expressing his feelings and his love for me and he can't seem to get enough of planning when we will see one another again.

And over time, I begin to see things his way. I begin to believe that he means the things he says to me. I begin to believe that perhaps love isn't all about games, that maybe there is someone out there who is worth giving it my all for and putting my heart out there to be potentially trampled. And for some reason I begin to see a future with this man. He's not necessarily what I ever would have looked for in a future mate and yet he's perfect.

Are there some areas of disagreement? Of course, but that's a part of even the best relationships. After all, who wants a mate that's a carbon copy of them?

And so I begin, knowing full well of the possible ramifications that could occur, to attach myself to this person. I begin to open the box...well, actually I think he finds the key and opens the box himself and feelings and emotions are released that I didn't even know I was still capable of.

I love him.

And a small part of me struggles to remind myself of the weakness that shows. And so I keep the secret to myself, holding back the words that jump to the tip of my tongue at the strangest moments...odd places in conversations on the phone, while we are in the car together, as he runs bathwater for me that is just perfect. "I love you." Three simple words that seem to come so easily to him and yet I cannot force them out. It's not that I don't feel them, for I do, but it's that sense of weakness that I have taught myself goes along with them. For as soon as you tell someone that you give them the power to truly hurt you...to really get inside you and rip you up.

And even though I can't get them out, it's ok with him. He still reassures me and comforts my fears, ever the optimist...ever the hopeless romantic. And eventually he wins me over...the former ice princess... to his way of thinking.

And I fall head over heels in love with him.

I try hard to begin to tell him the things that I've kept inside, but even as I begin I feel a shift in him. I tell him I love him and start to reveal little personal things that I have kept locked away with the bigger one. Such as how much I enjoy hearing him play with his band and that I truly enjoy hanging out with his friends. But I don't get it all out and I'm afraid he will never know some of the things that I had meant to tell him (such as how beautiful his eyes are, or how brilliant I think he really is, or how great it felt to know that he loved me as he did, or even the fact that I loved his arms).

And then almost as quickly as it all began, it all comes to an end. It's as if it started as a happy dream and all came crashing down as a nightmare.

He tells me that although he meant the things he once said, he doesn't feel them anymore. And I wonder what I did to make him stop loving me. A large part of me feels that this can't be happening...not this way...not like this. I wonder if he is afraid of the way he was feeling about me and is trying to put emotional distance between us. He tells me that it's not that and I don't know who I'm talking to as the world crashes down around me. Why won't he talk to me? Why the impersonalness of email and IMs? The lack of complete feeling and effort? Even if he feels nothing for me now...wasn't what he felt for me in the past enough to know that I deserve more than this? And that lack of being personal makes me wonder even more if he can truly feel nothing for me at this point. He has told me that he doesn't appreciate being called a liar and I am by no means implying that. Perhaps he doesn't even realize what he is trying to do. And perhaps the only reason that I do is because I have done it myself so many times. You build that emotional distance in before you even realize what you're doing...it's your mind's way of keeping itself from getting hurt.

Or maybe it is my mind's way of trying to relieve some of it's own pain. I just don't see how it is possible for someone with such strong feelings to all of a sudden have no feelings. It doesn't fit together and it doesn't make sense. I am, however, well aware that one cannot control their feelings. And wouldn't life be easier if we could? I wouldn't be sitting here crying my eyes out for 4 days in a row while people tell me to toughen up. It doesn't matter that it's only been 2 months...I love him...I really love him and I can't just make that go away. Even if he has.

But he says there are other issues. Problems that I wonder if are problems because they really are or problems that I wonder if give him a reason to think the relationship should end. For example, one thing he told me was that being religious and livng in Orlando were two main paths that he did not see for himself and then later on told me that Orlando was not a big problem. So I'm left to wonder if perhaps the issues only exist because he wants issues to exist...they give him a reason that the relationship is not going to possibly work out. Most of the problems he states are things that haven't become problems yet, but that he thinks will. Is that right to base a breakup on things that may never even happen? I don't think so. And where is the man who taught me that lesson hiding? Where is the man who taught me that love was worth risking everything for? That it was worth the potential pain to experience the potential greatness? But then, if he truly feels nothing, then what would the risk be for?

I simply cannot believe that all those feelings are gone...maybe they are in hiding or stuffed away somewhere deep and out of the way, but I can't believe they are truly gone. If that is so, then everything I thought I had learned from him is untrue and void. And I don't want that to be the case. I don't want to forget the things he has taught me. And I don't want to pack all these feelings back in the box and lock them away again. I want to share them...with him...with the only man who made me believe that it was worth sharing them.

I have felt for a long time that I was supposed to be alone in life. At least in the long term. I've told everyone that I have dated this and it usually elicits the same response. I don't tell them so that they can comfort or reassure me...although that is often what they do. I tell them that so they know that that is what I expect from my life. And since I have suspected that, I have been ok with that thought. I have had many friends and even boyfriends in the past tell me that they didn't think I was truly ok with it, but I genuinely was. I have always felt that if I ended up alone I would be ok with that. I mean ultimately, you're the only person you can ever really trust in life anyway. You're the only one who you know for a fact is going to look out for you. Everyone else is going to look out for them and if you happen to be beneficial to them at the moment they might look out for you too, but you can't really count on anyone but you. Anyway, for the first time in my life, I met someone who made me not want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm scared of being alone for the rest of my life.

So was it all worth it in the end?

I would trade nothing for the way he made me feel when I was around him. The feeling of knowing that there was someone out there who truly cared for me and loved me, who accepted me and desired me...nothing beats that. The dreams won't go away...dreams of the happier times we spent together. I wake up and cry to think that those moments may never happen again. To see him playing with his band...to feel his arms around me...to want to snuggle closer to someone in the bed...to feel his lips on mine...to read his feelings of love poured out in emails to me...to see the smile touch his lips that I know something I have said or done has put there...to see him with his cats...to know that he loves me. How am I going to live knowing that I may never again be able to experience any of that?

Does he know how badly he has hurt me? Does he care? Is he hurting just as badly himself? Is that why he won't talk to me? Does he not want me to see that he is feeling all the same things I am? And if so, then why are we doing this? Why are we both going through so much pain when all we have to do to heal it is be back together?

Sure there will be problems to work through together in the long run, but that's what I'm in this for. When I first planned on moving to Orlando, it was to completely start over. I had no intention of carrying any baggage with me. But when I met this man all that changed. I didn't mind carrying a boyfriend along with me. Was it hell missing him all the time? Sure, but I wasn't going anywhere. I don't want to meet anybody else. I don't want to be with anybody else. I just want to be with him.

Why does it have to hurt like this? I hate love.